unknown
?? Kept me from going to school today
It all started yesterday after school. No, to be exact, after I left my house for jap class 6.30-8pm. There was no cca yesterday. Apparently, I think it's because the time free in between after school and before jap class was the time for me to REST. No, more like take a breather.
Upon meeting Sheryl and her friend - I forgot her name, you'll know why later. Cara was busy studying, so she couldn't make it today. I was late and well, they started eating already. That's when I felt a bit ..lonely. Her friend was busy talking to her, Sheryl was busy answering everything and adding spices to the conversation. While me? I had no idea who or what they were talking about. None of them even included me in the conversation, like telling me who they were talking about or what they were talking about. Then just excluded me out of the conversation like that. I never even got to ask Sheryl's friend's name. So i kept quiet and ate my wakame udon.
Then we left. I tried to say something .. like start a topic .. just to get her friend to talk, so I could ask her name or something. "Hey! we're all carrying our bags on one shoulder! haha haha haha hah .. ha ." Good going -.-
Well, at least Sheryl gave a reaction. Her friend just gave a semi-shrug and gave the expression as if she was too cool to be around me. Ugh. another opportunity GONE.
Later during class, the people in class were super duper pro. I had no idea what was going on. The teacher's voice was WEIRD. I had no idea when he was speaking jap and when he was speaking english. like WHAT IS GOING ON?? I spent 80% of my time there spamming english translations that I tried to figure out - what on EARTH was this guy saying?? I couldn't even have time to. Even if I did, it was short "intervals" like 1 sec before the teacher carried on to the next line and I was like .. oh gosh. and even when I tried to ask Sheryl, she was either lost too, or talking to her friend. Or rather, since I FAKED sore throat and said I couldn't talk, Sheryl and her friend was busy writing down answers.
The lesson was fast. 1h 30min. It may seem so long. so so very long. But I think it was so intense until I think ... I think .. I think .. well, I can't believe I'm saying this but, I'm gonna dread the next lesson which is next week since this friday is a public holiday. So I've got no excuse. no sore throat. nada. ziltch. I'm gonna have to read the words out and translate it in english and add particles by myself. I'm gonna die. why?
1) Either Sheryl had forgotten to lend me her book, or when she finally brings her book to school, I forgot to get it from her. Or like today, I didn't go to school. sharks!
2) Sheryl'd be busy with her FRIEND.
3) I think I'm developing some panic disorder or something.
That night after the lesson, my heart was still thumping hard, remembering the very moment he called my name with a "san" behind it, to read out some sentence. gosh. then the next thought of the constant murmuring of my teacher's voice and the many pros speaking so fluently. I thought I could faint. seriously.
Worse, the ignoring carried on. I stupidly decided to follow them. HOPING SO FOOLISHLY THEY'D FINALLY INCLUDE ME IN THE CONVERSATION, KNOWING I HAD A 99% COMMON SENSE TELLING ME IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
True enough. I was the extra person. again. Then I recalled what happened when I was young. I was excluded by my cousins and my sister. That's cos my sister and my cousins were either the same age as her or just one year older. While me? I was 3 years younger than my sister. They always called me "extra" whenever I walked over to them to ask them whatever they were talking about. Most of the time it was my sister.
My heart grew cold. It hardened. I know she hates me. I thought she hated me to the core. So I went into solitary. My dad ask me why I was suddenly so quiet. I was either super happy or super sad. I cried every night. Why was this happening to me? My sister was way too fortunate than me. She'd been to Australia. Wow. pink dolphins. etc. She's smart. I'm so not.
But that's when Christ came into my life and changed me. I became sympathetic towards my sister. What she lacked of - compassion. But now? Now I've changed again. I'm losing my "compassion" towards others. I'm dying here. My real me's dying. Why? I don't know. All I know is, when things happen too quickly around me, and I realise I'm all alone ..
that's when the trauma started.
I woke up this morning .. still thinking of what happened yesterday night. I even packed my jap notes in my bag yesterday, ready to bring it to school today to revise and spam mug. But my heart was still racing. I told my mom I didn't wanna go to school. I said the academic portal would have some notes, etc. I didn't care. I lied. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to shut myself of this world. I wanted to have this me time. I wanted to spend time with God. 'Cos he's protected me from many things in this world. He's been my comforter this whole 15 years and one month plus plus of my life. I know He's still here. I know He'll here me out. So I skipped school.
I hope my parents wouldn't scream at me. I've had enougah.
The panic is strangling me hard enough.
I was already so scared to speak up - even though I know I would be like the lady in front of Sheryl during jap class, slow and a little bit blur. I know. I could've been that. But I was too scared. I was just so scared. my mind says go, but my heart and body just won't let me. Then my mind loses the battle and I get scared.
If so, how can I perform infront of many now during the guzheng competition?
-the one who can only hide herself in a box right now.
It all started yesterday after school. No, to be exact, after I left my house for jap class 6.30-8pm. There was no cca yesterday. Apparently, I think it's because the time free in between after school and before jap class was the time for me to REST. No, more like take a breather.
Upon meeting Sheryl and her friend - I forgot her name, you'll know why later. Cara was busy studying, so she couldn't make it today. I was late and well, they started eating already. That's when I felt a bit ..lonely. Her friend was busy talking to her, Sheryl was busy answering everything and adding spices to the conversation. While me? I had no idea who or what they were talking about. None of them even included me in the conversation, like telling me who they were talking about or what they were talking about. Then just excluded me out of the conversation like that. I never even got to ask Sheryl's friend's name. So i kept quiet and ate my wakame udon.
Then we left. I tried to say something .. like start a topic .. just to get her friend to talk, so I could ask her name or something. "Hey! we're all carrying our bags on one shoulder! haha haha haha hah .. ha ." Good going -.-
Well, at least Sheryl gave a reaction. Her friend just gave a semi-shrug and gave the expression as if she was too cool to be around me. Ugh. another opportunity GONE.
Later during class, the people in class were super duper pro. I had no idea what was going on. The teacher's voice was WEIRD. I had no idea when he was speaking jap and when he was speaking english. like WHAT IS GOING ON?? I spent 80% of my time there spamming english translations that I tried to figure out - what on EARTH was this guy saying?? I couldn't even have time to. Even if I did, it was short "intervals" like 1 sec before the teacher carried on to the next line and I was like .. oh gosh. and even when I tried to ask Sheryl, she was either lost too, or talking to her friend. Or rather, since I FAKED sore throat and said I couldn't talk, Sheryl and her friend was busy writing down answers.
The lesson was fast. 1h 30min. It may seem so long. so so very long. But I think it was so intense until I think ... I think .. I think .. well, I can't believe I'm saying this but, I'm gonna dread the next lesson which is next week since this friday is a public holiday. So I've got no excuse. no sore throat. nada. ziltch. I'm gonna have to read the words out and translate it in english and add particles by myself. I'm gonna die. why?
1) Either Sheryl had forgotten to lend me her book, or when she finally brings her book to school, I forgot to get it from her. Or like today, I didn't go to school. sharks!
2) Sheryl'd be busy with her FRIEND.
3) I think I'm developing some panic disorder or something.
That night after the lesson, my heart was still thumping hard, remembering the very moment he called my name with a "san" behind it, to read out some sentence. gosh. then the next thought of the constant murmuring of my teacher's voice and the many pros speaking so fluently. I thought I could faint. seriously.
Worse, the ignoring carried on. I stupidly decided to follow them. HOPING SO FOOLISHLY THEY'D FINALLY INCLUDE ME IN THE CONVERSATION, KNOWING I HAD A 99% COMMON SENSE TELLING ME IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
True enough. I was the extra person. again. Then I recalled what happened when I was young. I was excluded by my cousins and my sister. That's cos my sister and my cousins were either the same age as her or just one year older. While me? I was 3 years younger than my sister. They always called me "extra" whenever I walked over to them to ask them whatever they were talking about. Most of the time it was my sister.
My heart grew cold. It hardened. I know she hates me. I thought she hated me to the core. So I went into solitary. My dad ask me why I was suddenly so quiet. I was either super happy or super sad. I cried every night. Why was this happening to me? My sister was way too fortunate than me. She'd been to Australia. Wow. pink dolphins. etc. She's smart. I'm so not.
But that's when Christ came into my life and changed me. I became sympathetic towards my sister. What she lacked of - compassion. But now? Now I've changed again. I'm losing my "compassion" towards others. I'm dying here. My real me's dying. Why? I don't know. All I know is, when things happen too quickly around me, and I realise I'm all alone ..
that's when the trauma started.
I woke up this morning .. still thinking of what happened yesterday night. I even packed my jap notes in my bag yesterday, ready to bring it to school today to revise and spam mug. But my heart was still racing. I told my mom I didn't wanna go to school. I said the academic portal would have some notes, etc. I didn't care. I lied. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to shut myself of this world. I wanted to have this me time. I wanted to spend time with God. 'Cos he's protected me from many things in this world. He's been my comforter this whole 15 years and one month plus plus of my life. I know He's still here. I know He'll here me out. So I skipped school.
I hope my parents wouldn't scream at me. I've had enougah.
The panic is strangling me hard enough.
I was already so scared to speak up - even though I know I would be like the lady in front of Sheryl during jap class, slow and a little bit blur. I know. I could've been that. But I was too scared. I was just so scared. my mind says go, but my heart and body just won't let me. Then my mind loses the battle and I get scared.
If so, how can I perform infront of many now during the guzheng competition?
-the one who can only hide herself in a box right now.
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