I've lost it.
I've lost it.
Sunken deep down
my heart hits the bottom of the jar
Now I'm being famous for all the frowns
In the emotional town.
The thoughts of the competition coming up makes me wanna puke. i'm serious.
I think im having some really weird phobia or something. The thoughts that run through my mind when my teacher pushes me real hard .. "We have strong competitors.." says a friend. Strong? It's my first time, and not only is it in the Singapore Conference Hall, but with STRONG COMPETITORS?? "Our grading exams are not official ones .." or reknown, by the same friend. Then where do I stand?? I feel lost. I've already been psychologically defeated!
Timid. Coward.
They just pop up in my mind alternatively one at a time and sometimes, both together.
My sis and I went out to make her contacts in Kovan. Before that, we were watching nickelodeon. They were showing iCarly and the next programme was Big Time Rush. They were funny, I gotta admit. My sister was laughing hysterically. But thing is, I COULDN'T LAUGH. Seeing my sister so happy with one more MCQ paper left which is like.. 2 dec I think? I CRY MADLY INSIDE. What's wrong? The little me asks inside. I don't know, I simply replied.
Normally going out would mean fun. My sister was busy telling me all the retarded stuff she heard on 91.3 and some weird and stuff videos on youtube. I laughed. I tried to. all that came out was ha-ha-ha-ha.. barely 5 "has" and I forced myself to be happy. Has anyone EVER done that??! Yeah, only lunatics would. Lunatics who've really lost it. lost their minds. lost everything. or something.
We ate dinner at New York New York. Ordered the meat platter. I enjoyed myself. a sense of relief breezed inside of me. But the nausea feeling just stays. What's wrong? The little me asks inside. I DON'T KNOW! I shouted at it. The dessert was lovely, Lake Chocolate. It was extremely sinful. I loved it. I loved it's extreme opposites of cold and hot. (the vanilla ice-cream and fried banna splitters I think.. in a pool of warm chocolate)
We walked to level 1 and saw some awesomely expensive sandals - not shoes. I bought a pair. Normally, to a girl, when we buy something AWESOME, we'd go gaga over it and be extremely happy right? I mean, something that we'd probably long for or has gone on a EXTREME OFFER DISCOUNT for a period of time and we got it. we got it! But .. again.. that nausea feeling.. it haunts me. What's wrong? The little me asks again inside. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON SO STOP ASKING ME THAT! I screamed inside.
I couldn't smile today. I totally couldn't. Now the thoughts of all of these. ALL OF IT, with the many smiles and laughs and jokes and giggles of today, the nausea feeling keeps growing a lot stronger. I don't wanna eat. I wanna stone. I don't wanna do any productive or efficient. I wanna stone and do nothing, worry about nothing. I wanna cry so badly and so quietly that the silence would be as loud as the noise in pubs when the dj plays the music.
What's wrong? The little me asks..
I don't know .. I said tiredly.
I really, really don't know.
Sunken deep down
my heart hits the bottom of the jar
Now I'm being famous for all the frowns
In the emotional town.
The thoughts of the competition coming up makes me wanna puke. i'm serious.
I think im having some really weird phobia or something. The thoughts that run through my mind when my teacher pushes me real hard .. "We have strong competitors.." says a friend. Strong? It's my first time, and not only is it in the Singapore Conference Hall, but with STRONG COMPETITORS?? "Our grading exams are not official ones .." or reknown, by the same friend. Then where do I stand?? I feel lost. I've already been psychologically defeated!
Timid. Coward.
They just pop up in my mind alternatively one at a time and sometimes, both together.
My sis and I went out to make her contacts in Kovan. Before that, we were watching nickelodeon. They were showing iCarly and the next programme was Big Time Rush. They were funny, I gotta admit. My sister was laughing hysterically. But thing is, I COULDN'T LAUGH. Seeing my sister so happy with one more MCQ paper left which is like.. 2 dec I think? I CRY MADLY INSIDE. What's wrong? The little me asks inside. I don't know, I simply replied.
Normally going out would mean fun. My sister was busy telling me all the retarded stuff she heard on 91.3 and some weird and stuff videos on youtube. I laughed. I tried to. all that came out was ha-ha-ha-ha.. barely 5 "has" and I forced myself to be happy. Has anyone EVER done that??! Yeah, only lunatics would. Lunatics who've really lost it. lost their minds. lost everything. or something.
We ate dinner at New York New York. Ordered the meat platter. I enjoyed myself. a sense of relief breezed inside of me. But the nausea feeling just stays. What's wrong? The little me asks inside. I DON'T KNOW! I shouted at it. The dessert was lovely, Lake Chocolate. It was extremely sinful. I loved it. I loved it's extreme opposites of cold and hot. (the vanilla ice-cream and fried banna splitters I think.. in a pool of warm chocolate)
We walked to level 1 and saw some awesomely expensive sandals - not shoes. I bought a pair. Normally, to a girl, when we buy something AWESOME, we'd go gaga over it and be extremely happy right? I mean, something that we'd probably long for or has gone on a EXTREME OFFER DISCOUNT for a period of time and we got it. we got it! But .. again.. that nausea feeling.. it haunts me. What's wrong? The little me asks again inside. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON SO STOP ASKING ME THAT! I screamed inside.
I couldn't smile today. I totally couldn't. Now the thoughts of all of these. ALL OF IT, with the many smiles and laughs and jokes and giggles of today, the nausea feeling keeps growing a lot stronger. I don't wanna eat. I wanna stone. I don't wanna do any productive or efficient. I wanna stone and do nothing, worry about nothing. I wanna cry so badly and so quietly that the silence would be as loud as the noise in pubs when the dj plays the music.
What's wrong? The little me asks..
I don't know .. I said tiredly.
I really, really don't know.
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