I'M LOVIN' TODAY.

It's probably one of the most memoriable day. EVER.

Alright. Before I go on, I would like to say some stuff about the new mixpod :D

Okay, I think some of you might think it's a bit .. "disturbing" to see the first song, played.. and that "disturbing" scenes come out and ruin your day ... well, thing is. that's your problem. LOL. sorry. I just couldn't find a decent one! And yes, I gotta choose that because the sound level is roughly the same as the rest [except the last song - URGHH!! this is the part I dislike about mixpod -.-]

Second thing, I wanted to give reasons for putting "When I survey the wondrous cross" first and "Jesus take the wheel" last. For the first one, well, it's that I feel great singing it. It brings back a lot of memories of what I've learnt during sunday school and stuff like that. I was thinking about God's love for me and what sins I've committed that He had already purified. Singing this song reminds me of how great our Father is, how He, God, showed His, God's, love for us. Because sometimes when I filled with guilt and I don't dare to face Him, I remember of this song and somehow, miraculous things happened. My QT answers most of my doubts and questions and led me to a free spirit kind of feeling. I feel that throughout this week, God has shown me His miracles so much to the extent I think I can CRY thinking about all of it.

Anyways, thing is, this song, too answered one of my doubts. And reminded myself, to restrict myself from doing so. I'll just give an extract.

"Forbid it Lord that I should boast
Save in the death of Christ my God
All the vain things that charm me most
I sacrifice them to His blood"

This is actually the second verse. And I was thinking about the day before I go stucked to this song, about pride. Okay, I shan't go on. Don't wanna contribute a tear to this post. nah-uh, I've cried enough.

The second thing is why I put "Jesus take the wheel" as the last song? Well, they say that the last concert item is reserved for the best, right? And so, yes this is. It actually goes with what I wanna share what God did for me. Okay, before I start, I know that some of you are really used to explore the whole Singapore and stuff like that. You're too used to Singapore, you're probably so sick of it already. But I'm not. I'm afraid. I guess I'm still the girl that clings on tight to my mother's hand and staying close beside her, taking each step with her support. But today I took my first step. And this statement went through my mind - a statement that many have said to me before but I never really got it, as in, felt it that much before: "It's easier said than done."

Today's the deadline for the guzheng competition held on the dates between 30 Nov - 12 Dec. Now the past few days I've been struggling to think whether I should go for the competition or not. I'm so afraid because it's an extremely high grade and it's my very first competition as well. I see guof playing so well and confidently, I just feel like hiding in a corner, painting my face and arms and legs to blend in with the background so that no one knows I'm there. I'm so afraid of facing this world, this scary scary big huge enormous world that's gonna be my competition for the rest of my life when I take a step towards music career.

I felt like bursting into tears just thinking about it all the time. All these years I've been fighting against my frightened little self inside of me. But I always carry the fear every year that it might grow bigger and bigger, and soon devour me into the blackhole. I had no courage to tell my parents I didn't wanna go through it. But then again, when I do, I learn so many things. Exposed to many new things I begin to search and discover so many other new things and made new interests. But all that came out of this journey is that I've travelled so far already, yet, my confidence level was nowhere higher than the first time I've learnt guzheng. All the pressure's on me. I've made my parents paid for my lessons since the time I've gotten into advance class, EOY when I was P3. Just thinking about going for my alternative route: take up psychology or learn about banking and financial, etc .. Makes me feel so guilty to the point I felt nausea.

Each time I wish to tell it to my parents, I swallowed my tongue as my "intro" statement that I used to try to bring it to the topic that I wanna tell the truth to them, led my dad to an exciting mode of what I should do in my future. They - even my mom too - look up to me so much, yet I can't fulfill there high hopes because I'm so afraid. In the beginning, right from the start I've been so afraid. And my parents have been my support and all that. Now that my dad tells me about how competitive the world is gonna be if I take the music path, I freak out even more. It's like I wish I could go back from the start to change everything. really. I feel so upset thinking about all of this that I can't do much without - maybe - hurting - at least - my dad.

I don't know how to break it to Him.
"It's easier said than done"
What you guys might say to me is, just do it. Just tell it to him. But it's not that easy alright. I look up to my dad for his great impact he has had left on so many people esp. in church, he makes me so proud that I wish and longed to be like him. But how is that I'm so much of like a turtle in a shell? I don't know. I believe God has plans for me, but I'm not sure what. And with my dad so quick on asking about my future, as I grow - btw, I just received this letter that I'm gonna make my NRIC soon - makes me feel like I'm growing so fast. I just wish time would stop and let me live forever in this time zone. But I know it's not gonna happen, I can't be that selfish.

I wish I could cry now but I gotta be strong.

I took 30 min ++ to get the documents all ready for the submission with the registration form for the competition. It was already so late: 12.45am perhaps. & I had school the next day. celebrations. I had to meet my teacher to sign the documents [cos it was kind of like a last minute decision] before I had to head down to Clark Quay and to MICA building to personally hand in the registration form. I've barely gone to clark quay. The most number of times I went there was just 3 times. And it's 2 times that I BARELY EVEN WALK, and one time I barely walk one-third or half of clark quay. So pretty much scary that I had to go there alone. Well, piglet was supposed to come with me, but her mom did not allow her to. I can understand that, even my mom wouldn't allow it if I were in her shoes anyway.

So that very night I felt pressurized. I was so afraid. I didn't know if participating was the right thing to do. But my mom already wrote a check and I must hand it in! But then again it'd be a pity if I miss the timing. I was so afraid because I still had to look for my lao shi to sign the documents. I was panicking throughout the night. Thankfully, God sent an "angel" friend to ym rescue, who, miraculously smsed me in the middle of the night saying "HAI!" = hi! Such a cheerful tone didn't match the tears already formed and glistening on my cheeks. I cried again.

I prayed hard. I prayed and cried. but the longer I prayed, the lesser tears I began to let out. And charcoal was able to calm me down with his smses (: Then I remembered this song, "Jesus take the wheel". Let me give the extract ^o^

"She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass"

I had a lot of things going through my mind about the consequences of going and not going, and afraid that if I'm going, I'd be late ....


"She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry.."

I was thinking about my parents ..

"..She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel"

And I think this one you can figure it out on your own .. And well, I sang this song to sleep. And I went to dreamland before 2am.

[I'll just sum this part up]

In the morning, I called guof. panicked, and I texted my lao shi in english [first time texting him AND in ENGLISH] during the celebration, my lao shi texted me. He told me he'd be coming at 1030 to PL?!? But the celebration was said to end at 1130. I was so afraid. how was I to leave the hall with a file, saying I wanna go to the toilet, but I'm actually asking my teacher to sign some documents? I can't tell them the truth either, they'll just NAGNAGNAG. ugh. all the cause of last minute things. But then again, I couldn't presume such things. Anyways, in the end, the program ended 10-15 minutes earlier than 1030! I was so shocked from then. Firstly, lao shi's gonna come to my school to help me sign the documents while on his way to another school. I need not go out to find him. Secondly, the whole thing ended JUST NICE, 10-15 minutes earlier before 1030! AND THIRDLY! My row that I sat at was the second last (or last) row and NEAREST to the door :D I even had time to go to the toilet before rushing down to meet my lao shi to help me sign the documents.

Everything's going fine so far. I was laughing a little to myself, I didn't even need to feel so scared after all (: Then later we even had some fun celebrating qian hui and mr pang's [form teach] birthday. My spirit enlightened by x100!!

Later on I headed down to clark quay. From here on, it felt as if God was with me, rushing along with me, laughing at how nervous I must've looked and so on. I even felt embarrassed at my ownself for feeling that way. Because I must've looked reallyreally nervous that got almost so many people on the street at clark quay to stare hard at me. Or maybe it's cos I'm wearing a not-very-obvious half uniform I guess ..? Hmm.. Anyways, after I left school, I took bus 53. And it felt like I was having some argument with God, I can alight at whichever bus stop, so and so and whatever benefits, and how long I can take and so on. But in the end, duh, he won. And so I alighted one bus stop before the MRT. Then rushed, on my way, I bought the A4-sized evelope I've been searching for at the store I always buy my pens and stuff. And headed for the MRT. Yupp, it sure was a pretty short timing! 'Cos I took the same bus as Thivvya and her friends. And apparently when I took the escalator down underground, I saw her and her friends taking it up. And fyi, the bus stop between the MRT and the one that I alighted is only one. so u can imagine how fast it was. I still strolled around the shop and contemplated on which envelope to buy ._.

Ok. God you win -.-"

From then till the time I reached clark quay station, I felt really secure with the feeling that God is just beside me. It felt as if I was having the LONGEST prayer EVER! in my LIFE. Then I walked out and tapped my card. Then I called zoey for help. They all told me to ask the control station person. But I refused - not that I did tell them i think .. - and I decided to look at the map. There's bound to be MICA building SOMEWHERE .. And just when I saw it, I turned to the left and headed for exit F. Then I entered central building. I got lost -.- turned and walk and walk and turned, and OH! HOW DID JELENE GET HERE?!? Super coincidental!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked her for help. though she did not know where MICA building was, I just asked her for the way out, haha. Anyways, I think I remembered looking up into the sky and winking at God and smiling back at Him.

I walked out of the central building and looked around. Guof told me, building with colourful WINDOWS. And I looked around.. kay .. everything's colourful -.- then I looked to the RIGHT, and there it is! I saw the bridge too! the one that I identified MICA building and recognised it as. Phew. good thing I saw the map ._.

Anyways, I was on my way. And there again, I felt afraid. eyes were all locked on me. like seriously, what so unusual about a singaporean girl walking in clark quay, huh?? Anyways, I just walked there, felt as if God was right in front of me, leading the way. I was.. shy .. and whenever the pedestrian path was full, they'd always give me space, a hole for me to walk through and I ran through looking down as if trying not to be recognised by them. for somewhat, a weird reason, since I don't even know them ..

Oh wells, when I crossed the road, I got to the building. At first I thought I went to the wrong place. There were so many guests in the first floor. There was some event going on I guess. I don't know. I just walked to the security guard and asked for directions, all she told me was to give her my NRIC or whatever ez-link card, etc. Then she gave me her tag. Then she said, "Yahyah, go to the 3rd floor and give it okay, put on the tag ah!" Her voice faded and I thanked her and walked into the lift that just opened .. Then I got a shock. "3" .

Then I remembered. 3, it's just like God is with me. That building was pretty quiet and so on. I was afraid. It was so cold and quiet. I had to sit beside this business looking man. who looked pretty much impatient and WAS. so much on the adults being examples please. he was so rude to the lady who tended to him for the form and stuff. 'Cos the lady came to me first when I came later than him. Okay, I admit, sorry for not pointing to him first lah, but I was NERVOUS okay! all the manners thing and minding for others, all these in a certain part of my brain just shut off you know! Then when the lady apologised, he said 'never mind' with his hand waving with his head shaking and and eyes rolling afterwards. I nearly wanted to scold him off, just that i didn't dare to. And I WAS in my school uniform you know -.-"

Anyways, as I waited, I could feel that each exhale my mouth trembled along with a high-pitched voice as an "echo" effect. well, it all came in a pack. But I remembered the number 3, that reminded me that God is with me. always.

Later on everything went fine. Except that I was so mad with the man because after he handed in his form, he left. just like that. it's almost as if like a scenario when u see a little boy throwing tantrums just because he couldn't get his way. I seriously felt like scolding him. I'M SERIOUS!! But I guess at that moment I was more of shocked and astonished by his actions and by the fact that everything was so quiet and the fact the when I waited for the lift, I saw a lady carrying the same score as me, "chun jie xi qu". I nearly DIED.

But anyways, everything went perfectly fine! (:
I got to explore this unknown place on my own with a few advices from my friends. and most of all, the guide the God gave me. this sense of security..

...


Wellwellwell.. this's probably the longest post ever yet right? HAH! It's the best moment of my life so far anyway. Writing this much is nothing (:

Anyways, my ipod died on my days ago and today challengers called my dad, informing him that the itouch stock just came in! :DD And yeah, my parents decided to get me an itouch too -.-" Hmm .. gonna get it tomorrow after math lessons (extra to make up for the I think two periods we all missed due to some stuff.. I couldn't remember what).

AHHAHA!!! Just thinking about all of these, i can really say that at least for today, i'm the happiest & most fortunate kid on earth!! WHOA!! HAHAHAH!! at least that's about it. But anyways, I longed to say that . HAHA! Anyways, I gotta go, better turn in for now.

Math lesson 10am-12pm. tomorrow.

MATH LESSON HERE I COME!! :DD

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