Cell! (:
YAY! YAY! CELL GROUP TIME! :D
haha! don't know why, but I just LOVE cell. Even though I find it a little bit weird to be praying in groups - up til now. HAHA. Well, I guess a time I'm just deprived of fellowship with YE peeps! ;D
Anyways .. I must owe my thanks to regina for opening me up, yeah! Otherwise I'd probably still be the wallpaper in church :s But I guess, taking a step forward like this wasn't and isn't so bad after all? Haha, a time of fun and bonding still cheers me up the most - even when I'm really depressed and demoralised (:
Wrote a poem about our cell! haha, and I have not included about the remark Steph made about our cell yet .. Hmm ... haha! Shall do more drafts and finish it up and post it here again! (:
Hmm.. Before cell, had guzheng recording again ):
But the recording was okay ba.. At least he didn't criticize it much. I guess it's cos I was all too serious about it .. And well, he had to entertain a guest .. okay, not exactly a guest .. It's ying jia's (my senior) mom. She's the most pro, like seriously. won 3rd place in the first competition, can't remember where & first place in esplanade there? yupp. super pro. won herself a thousand bucks ._. wooooo....
HAH. Anyways .. Yeaa... I kinda figured out my weakest point in life, I mean, so far. I used to think it was a joke and well, I just kept telling myself that it's not that I can't do it, it's that I don't wanna do it. But I know I was living in self-denial. One, stage fright. Two, socially .. well, when i talk to people, it's not the same when I type it out. Most definitely, when I type it out, I can still delete the words that I find irrelevant or something I feel not very wise to say.. But when I speak, like saying it out, sometimes I say the wrong things, and I feel bad about it 'cos I can't take it back. That's a fear I hold inside of me all the time. That's probably one of the reasons why I "restrict" and "restrain" myself from talking. It has become a habit to me to the point that even when I TRY to control it, my body will just respond that way. And I know it's weird, but I find it weird too & I don't know how to change! ugh. sigh.
I have a strong feeling that being much like an introvert is "inclusive" of stage fright and being like a coward. Look, I don't even dare to say thank you to my close friends while I can say so - trying my best to be genuine or like, natural - to friends whom I'm not that close to or not even close. Sometimes it's probably because there are things that happen between my close friend and I and I find it quite embarrassing and hard to overcome. But I keep telling and asking myself, how the HECK does that link to me finding it hard to say thank you or sorry to her/them? It's such a lousy excuse.
Then I call myself a coward. But when I'm with my cell group, I'm more open I guess. I feel more welcomed and home. I'm not that afraid to speak my mind; share my thoughts. It's all about sharing and understanding at the applications part or like, beginning of cell .. something like that. And that's probably the reason why I look forward to cell so much :\
Being an introvert .. I thought it was a barrier easy for me to breakthrough when I grow up. But later on I realise that it wasn't. And it's much more difficult. It's a heavy heavy strong barrier. this fear that's binding me and it can sometimes strangle me too. But the weirdest thing is .. It can be easily removed when I'm with my cell group. Amazing, but that does not really change much. Because by then, I'd only be close to my cell group and isolated from the rest of YE? Then what's the use to have cell when it's not that much different to last time when YE had cliques??
UGHHHHH!!!!!!!! fed up. I can't stand it. I can't even talk right. I know, in my mind, of what I want to say, I know I can explain it like so, I can impress people like so, I can do this I can do that, but it's because of this STUPID barrier, I just .. can't . I can't explain certain things to my friend when I want to. I can't "insert" the emotions into my words because I've never done it before, I have no guts to and I seriously seriously seriously can't. I don't know why. 'Cos everytime I try to, my heart goes beating really really fast. Even when it's my CLOSEST friend. My heart just beats really really fast when I'm giving an "emotional speech" to motivate someone, etc. I mean, it IS easy to do so by typing, 'cos I'm not there to well, face them and all that. But it's just when I talk to them over the phone, or face-to-face (that's worse) I'll just .. be at a lost of words. & can you believe it? from young to the beginning of this year, I've alway been afraid to order my own food. I guess it's just being insecure.
I hate to go to foreign places alone. Or places I am very familiar with - alone. Yet I'm afraid of being on one-to-one with a friend. ugh. this is frustrating. I'm gonna watch bleach.
It'll distract me from all this frustration I'm in ..
& at least I can stop thinking about it.
haha! don't know why, but I just LOVE cell. Even though I find it a little bit weird to be praying in groups - up til now. HAHA. Well, I guess a time I'm just deprived of fellowship with YE peeps! ;D
Anyways .. I must owe my thanks to regina for opening me up, yeah! Otherwise I'd probably still be the wallpaper in church :s But I guess, taking a step forward like this wasn't and isn't so bad after all? Haha, a time of fun and bonding still cheers me up the most - even when I'm really depressed and demoralised (:
Wrote a poem about our cell! haha, and I have not included about the remark Steph made about our cell yet .. Hmm ... haha! Shall do more drafts and finish it up and post it here again! (:
Hmm.. Before cell, had guzheng recording again ):
But the recording was okay ba.. At least he didn't criticize it much. I guess it's cos I was all too serious about it .. And well, he had to entertain a guest .. okay, not exactly a guest .. It's ying jia's (my senior) mom. She's the most pro, like seriously. won 3rd place in the first competition, can't remember where & first place in esplanade there? yupp. super pro. won herself a thousand bucks ._. wooooo....
HAH. Anyways .. Yeaa... I kinda figured out my weakest point in life, I mean, so far. I used to think it was a joke and well, I just kept telling myself that it's not that I can't do it, it's that I don't wanna do it. But I know I was living in self-denial. One, stage fright. Two, socially .. well, when i talk to people, it's not the same when I type it out. Most definitely, when I type it out, I can still delete the words that I find irrelevant or something I feel not very wise to say.. But when I speak, like saying it out, sometimes I say the wrong things, and I feel bad about it 'cos I can't take it back. That's a fear I hold inside of me all the time. That's probably one of the reasons why I "restrict" and "restrain" myself from talking. It has become a habit to me to the point that even when I TRY to control it, my body will just respond that way. And I know it's weird, but I find it weird too & I don't know how to change! ugh. sigh.
I have a strong feeling that being much like an introvert is "inclusive" of stage fright and being like a coward. Look, I don't even dare to say thank you to my close friends while I can say so - trying my best to be genuine or like, natural - to friends whom I'm not that close to or not even close. Sometimes it's probably because there are things that happen between my close friend and I and I find it quite embarrassing and hard to overcome. But I keep telling and asking myself, how the HECK does that link to me finding it hard to say thank you or sorry to her/them? It's such a lousy excuse.
Then I call myself a coward. But when I'm with my cell group, I'm more open I guess. I feel more welcomed and home. I'm not that afraid to speak my mind; share my thoughts. It's all about sharing and understanding at the applications part or like, beginning of cell .. something like that. And that's probably the reason why I look forward to cell so much :\
Being an introvert .. I thought it was a barrier easy for me to breakthrough when I grow up. But later on I realise that it wasn't. And it's much more difficult. It's a heavy heavy strong barrier. this fear that's binding me and it can sometimes strangle me too. But the weirdest thing is .. It can be easily removed when I'm with my cell group. Amazing, but that does not really change much. Because by then, I'd only be close to my cell group and isolated from the rest of YE? Then what's the use to have cell when it's not that much different to last time when YE had cliques??
UGHHHHH!!!!!!!! fed up. I can't stand it. I can't even talk right. I know, in my mind, of what I want to say, I know I can explain it like so, I can impress people like so, I can do this I can do that, but it's because of this STUPID barrier, I just .. can't . I can't explain certain things to my friend when I want to. I can't "insert" the emotions into my words because I've never done it before, I have no guts to and I seriously seriously seriously can't. I don't know why. 'Cos everytime I try to, my heart goes beating really really fast. Even when it's my CLOSEST friend. My heart just beats really really fast when I'm giving an "emotional speech" to motivate someone, etc. I mean, it IS easy to do so by typing, 'cos I'm not there to well, face them and all that. But it's just when I talk to them over the phone, or face-to-face (that's worse) I'll just .. be at a lost of words. & can you believe it? from young to the beginning of this year, I've alway been afraid to order my own food. I guess it's just being insecure.
I hate to go to foreign places alone. Or places I am very familiar with - alone. Yet I'm afraid of being on one-to-one with a friend. ugh. this is frustrating. I'm gonna watch bleach.
It'll distract me from all this frustration I'm in ..
& at least I can stop thinking about it.
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