Happening
So many things, all at one go. God, can I take it? How can I control?
It's probably one of the most craziest day I've ever lived. Family matters are bursting my lungs out and I can't deal with it. I know. I would've asked for advice if I would want to hear a logical/emotional response from the other side. But .. maybe for once I don't . Because right now, all I wanna hear is that I'm right. It's probably because I'm too overwhelmed by too many things. All arrows shooting to the target; my heart.
For crying out loud, I would not even want to go for cca anymore. I feel so depressed and demoralised. Where is justice? I nearly let out a tear in anger while spilling everything out to my mom again while she was on her way to fetch my sis. Just after spilling it all out only to find out an almost ignorant answer - though I know she's really busy driving, my timing really sucks when I try to telling people things, that's why I'm mostly never heard of. probably - she told me to tell my sis that I needed to inform her, to tell her that my mom's coming to fetch her soon. Just when I called? My sis sounded flustered and hung up before letting me have a chance to tell her that I actually called just to inform her that my mom's coming! How terribly misunderstood ..
..
Later on when my sis came into the car. Her voice was somewhat different than the other times I hear. Well, let's just say it was unsual. After hearing her story of how SHE was demoralised too because of .. something, I was upset. Where is God? At first, guzheng DAO MEI - is it? Then next, my sis? And the next big blow would be, my mom? Then my dad? I'm not cursing my parents, that is. I'm worried. Seeing how two of their children are so upset about something that matters so much to us, gone. destroyed. just like that. & there I sat, listening to how my mom tries her best to enlighten my sister's spirits a bit, trying to be positive and having little giggles every once in awhile in her sentences. But all I could - and ever knew I could - do was to sit there. listen. & feel terribly sorry and much pity for her.
I sat and listened.
How I always dreamed of a happy family, trying not to put Satan into the picture. But why is God letting this happen? We're totally demoralised. I don't want something to happen to my mom on the day of her op. no. if that day EVER happens - though as much as I don't want to talk about it - I'm never gonna forgive myself. Or. Or, I'm jsut NEVER going to school again. Or something.
My dad. The moment he saw my sis coming home, looking all demoralised and such, in his response, it felt as if like a sympathy is all she'd probably ask for, but all that I sensed that the next question or in that response itself, meant that he was concerned for her future. Putting that aside, lately I've been hearing how tired and worn out my dad is. His boss is really stretching his energy and making full use of him. Not giving proper job timings is bad enough, giving him seemingly a lot more work than the others with no difference in pay is even worse. I may not know about this internal affairs, but I heard about the finance management. My dad was worried. He was worried. Was he ever not worried? no.. not really, but it sounded a little scary.
In the early years - I guess I started maturing at an early age - I cried and prayed to God. I was afraid that my dad was not able to get a new job to work and get enough money for our family to grow and use the money for studies and food, etc. I cried because I was concerned. I think that was the very first day I felt compassion within me.
And now that I begin to be more compassionate, I'm beginning to feel so useless. I don't even know how to comfort them. useless.
On the verge of crying
There a little fuzzy dog
As I started tearing
She walks forth and comfort me.
In her fur I tucked my nose
For most it may seem gross
But it's whom I hug the most
The one I know I can trust most
The one
that would stay with me
till the day of her death
Would she still comfort me.
It's probably one of the most craziest day I've ever lived. Family matters are bursting my lungs out and I can't deal with it. I know. I would've asked for advice if I would want to hear a logical/emotional response from the other side. But .. maybe for once I don't . Because right now, all I wanna hear is that I'm right. It's probably because I'm too overwhelmed by too many things. All arrows shooting to the target; my heart.
For crying out loud, I would not even want to go for cca anymore. I feel so depressed and demoralised. Where is justice? I nearly let out a tear in anger while spilling everything out to my mom again while she was on her way to fetch my sis. Just after spilling it all out only to find out an almost ignorant answer - though I know she's really busy driving, my timing really sucks when I try to telling people things, that's why I'm mostly never heard of. probably - she told me to tell my sis that I needed to inform her, to tell her that my mom's coming to fetch her soon. Just when I called? My sis sounded flustered and hung up before letting me have a chance to tell her that I actually called just to inform her that my mom's coming! How terribly misunderstood ..
..
Later on when my sis came into the car. Her voice was somewhat different than the other times I hear. Well, let's just say it was unsual. After hearing her story of how SHE was demoralised too because of .. something, I was upset. Where is God? At first, guzheng DAO MEI - is it? Then next, my sis? And the next big blow would be, my mom? Then my dad? I'm not cursing my parents, that is. I'm worried. Seeing how two of their children are so upset about something that matters so much to us, gone. destroyed. just like that. & there I sat, listening to how my mom tries her best to enlighten my sister's spirits a bit, trying to be positive and having little giggles every once in awhile in her sentences. But all I could - and ever knew I could - do was to sit there. listen. & feel terribly sorry and much pity for her.
I sat and listened.
How I always dreamed of a happy family, trying not to put Satan into the picture. But why is God letting this happen? We're totally demoralised. I don't want something to happen to my mom on the day of her op. no. if that day EVER happens - though as much as I don't want to talk about it - I'm never gonna forgive myself. Or. Or, I'm jsut NEVER going to school again. Or something.
My dad. The moment he saw my sis coming home, looking all demoralised and such, in his response, it felt as if like a sympathy is all she'd probably ask for, but all that I sensed that the next question or in that response itself, meant that he was concerned for her future. Putting that aside, lately I've been hearing how tired and worn out my dad is. His boss is really stretching his energy and making full use of him. Not giving proper job timings is bad enough, giving him seemingly a lot more work than the others with no difference in pay is even worse. I may not know about this internal affairs, but I heard about the finance management. My dad was worried. He was worried. Was he ever not worried? no.. not really, but it sounded a little scary.
In the early years - I guess I started maturing at an early age - I cried and prayed to God. I was afraid that my dad was not able to get a new job to work and get enough money for our family to grow and use the money for studies and food, etc. I cried because I was concerned. I think that was the very first day I felt compassion within me.
And now that I begin to be more compassionate, I'm beginning to feel so useless. I don't even know how to comfort them. useless.
On the verge of crying
There a little fuzzy dog
As I started tearing
She walks forth and comfort me.
In her fur I tucked my nose
For most it may seem gross
But it's whom I hug the most
The one I know I can trust most
The one
that would stay with me
till the day of her death
Would she still comfort me.
Comments