Tasting the sour

Ever heard of eating a sweet that is sweet on the outside and sour on the inside?

It's just like everybody else. just like everybody else.

I'm probably in a sour mode that's why im saying that. But on the other hand, aren't I stating yet another sad truth & fact in this world - or at least mine?

You're an outcast in a group. A person from this group walks up to you and wants to be your friend. Later, realising his/her real purpose he/she is talking to you, you get disappointed. You get even further disappointed, upset and abandoned when he/she no longer needs you anymore and dumps you aside. First times spent with that special person - who opened their hearts, or so I thought - has left me. Entered my heart, stirred it up a little, spice it up a little, and left it - incomplete.

Meanwhile, while this friend is close to you. You tell him/her your problems - unable to "blend in" / mix with the others. He/she helps you. They all make you comfortable. Yet another week later, it was as if nothing happened. No one remembers you, no one cared about you.

That's how I feel. I won't tell you where, but that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes I blame them, but maybe most of the time I blame myself for not being able to open up to others. I always wanted others to open up to me first, before I can trust that person wholeheartedly and tell them about my life & stuff. I don't know why, but that's probably how I am. And in this "new" environment I've been living in for so long... in here AND there...

How am I to maintain this "outer look" here? For how long more? For how long more will they be entertained and leave just like that? But at least they still remember me. They sense my presence and invite me in their conversation. I'm more than happy.

How am I to change? To fit in to that world? I feel distant after every two to three days of that particular day. Its events that take place... Though they've become more active.. Why do I still feel that distance ..? I don't feel I can enter. I can't. I really can't. To me, it seems as if like all those lessons on loving others to them and probably me as well has totally went in and out of their ears with no effect at all.

I'm upset. and disappointed. and no one understands that. even if they do, what CAN they do? What WILL they do? Who would accept me for who I am? Who would dare talk to me now? Who could open their mouths and start a topic that I know? Who could share their lives with me?

No one. All they think is.. I'm just a guzheng girl. Chinese-y instrument stuff. right. and they walk away.

that's right. no one. no one at all.