Upset.
I know I know. To some of you, all that I post/most of the posts that I write are emo.. But I think I really can't help it.
Problem #1: I can't let go of my past. Though it's not, in a sense, shameful and all that, but it was so bad to the extent that I can't bring myself to fully forgive the person who was involved. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I yearned to gain a new perspective of her, I just can't seem to. I'm on the brink of breaking down soon. Though it's just one year in my head, it feels like 10 years and I'm afraid of letting it stay in my head for too long till I go totally insane!
Problem #2: Aside from the first problem, I can't stand it nowadays when I watch drama series/shows and show injustice and stubborn people. Mostly stubborn. As they all said it, the first point is always important, as to impressions. My past is a burden. It is dragging me down, haunting me of the outcomes when I talk to her or when I ask her a question similar to what I used to ask her. All the negative signs just flow out like a fountain. I couldn't stop it alone. I really needed someone to help me. I can't say I've solved it yet, cos it's a problem, a problem number 2 and also, I'm still going through it.
Problem #3: Nowadays when I see her, I guess the conditions between us are getting better. Well, because I seldom get the worst impressions whenever I talk to her. Though it's not totally gotten rid of, at least a little progress made my heart rest for awhile. I'm guessing God is at work as when I talk to her or communicate with her in anyway, at least my friend here isn't jealous or that affected. Actually, come to think of it, she doesn't really have any feelings when I talk about her. Well, maybe a little. But it doesn't last long - phew. Even that bit of what I call encouragement puts my heart to rest too. From here, I can infer that I have always been stress. Oh lookie here, I'M TALKING SS!
zzz.. oh well, what can I do now? Sometimes I get very impatient when God's work/solutions carried out are just too slow! I'm not saying I'm complaining, but I guess I'm just not up to have that much patience and determination to go through all of this.. Sigh. I used to be.. cheerful, positive, always wanting to evangelize. And what have I become? Sad, emo, still positive, but the moment the mention of my past, my facial expression would change. I wouldn't say it would be agitated or jealous, but more of troubled and worried. I feel more stressed piled up the stack of problems next to my studies and expectations of me from the people around me.
Today Amabel told me about a story. A guy, was stressed at something and like.. he was just so stressed till the people around him just told him to give up because he was like, in a dire state already. So, he prayed to God and put a note - made up of what, I do not know, Amabel forgot and so, that piece of info was not brought through - on his desk and it stated: "Let God" It means to let God do the rest, it was a reminder to him to leave it to God. Then as he prayed, a sudden gust of wind blew pass him and the letter "D" dropped off the table. And those words became "Let go". It was a message from God to the man.
I then realize that this actually applied to me. When Amabel told me about the story, she said it somehow and she felt that it really related to her. And here, I am typing, it relates to me as well. Weird as it may be, but I think this is what God wants us to know: He is, has been and always will be there for us in our time of need. To some, it depends on whether we want the help or not. And when we want the help, it depends on whether we want to take the advice or not.
Life is made up of choices. I hate decisions. Being a precissionist, I want to do things the right way. And the thing is, I'm afraid of making the decision is because I'm afraid I'd make the wrong one.. And trust me, I've done a lot of wrong things in life that made people seriously mad at me before. And I learned from them all. But this time, I do not know why, but I feel really upset and burden weighed over my shoulders. I don't know what to do this time. I didn't feel this way last time. Why do I feel it now? Is it because I'm just growing up? Or is it because I'm just unlucky? Is God teaching me a lesson on determination and endurance here? My mind always flashes such - silly to some - thoughts and unthinkable-answer questions.
My life is then led to confusion and worse still, I can't shake off the love issue. Even the thing that I hoped I'd get rid of more easily, was as difficult as getting over my past.
I feel like I'm having my death speech here before I commit suicide. But trust me, I'd never do such a silly thing as to end my life so early. NO THANK YOU. I'm not a fool to do such a thing. Sigh, I sometimes do wonder. If committing suicide and doing silly things is what a fool is, then will what I want to do (cut off ties with them->people and my past) make me a fool as well?
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN gone emo .
I know I know. To some of you, all that I post/most of the posts that I write are emo.. But I think I really can't help it.
Problem #1: I can't let go of my past. Though it's not, in a sense, shameful and all that, but it was so bad to the extent that I can't bring myself to fully forgive the person who was involved. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I yearned to gain a new perspective of her, I just can't seem to. I'm on the brink of breaking down soon. Though it's just one year in my head, it feels like 10 years and I'm afraid of letting it stay in my head for too long till I go totally insane!
Problem #2: Aside from the first problem, I can't stand it nowadays when I watch drama series/shows and show injustice and stubborn people. Mostly stubborn. As they all said it, the first point is always important, as to impressions. My past is a burden. It is dragging me down, haunting me of the outcomes when I talk to her or when I ask her a question similar to what I used to ask her. All the negative signs just flow out like a fountain. I couldn't stop it alone. I really needed someone to help me. I can't say I've solved it yet, cos it's a problem, a problem number 2 and also, I'm still going through it.
Problem #3: Nowadays when I see her, I guess the conditions between us are getting better. Well, because I seldom get the worst impressions whenever I talk to her. Though it's not totally gotten rid of, at least a little progress made my heart rest for awhile. I'm guessing God is at work as when I talk to her or communicate with her in anyway, at least my friend here isn't jealous or that affected. Actually, come to think of it, she doesn't really have any feelings when I talk about her. Well, maybe a little. But it doesn't last long - phew. Even that bit of what I call encouragement puts my heart to rest too. From here, I can infer that I have always been stress. Oh lookie here, I'M TALKING SS!
zzz.. oh well, what can I do now? Sometimes I get very impatient when God's work/solutions carried out are just too slow! I'm not saying I'm complaining, but I guess I'm just not up to have that much patience and determination to go through all of this.. Sigh. I used to be.. cheerful, positive, always wanting to evangelize. And what have I become? Sad, emo, still positive, but the moment the mention of my past, my facial expression would change. I wouldn't say it would be agitated or jealous, but more of troubled and worried. I feel more stressed piled up the stack of problems next to my studies and expectations of me from the people around me.
Today Amabel told me about a story. A guy, was stressed at something and like.. he was just so stressed till the people around him just told him to give up because he was like, in a dire state already. So, he prayed to God and put a note - made up of what, I do not know, Amabel forgot and so, that piece of info was not brought through - on his desk and it stated: "Let God" It means to let God do the rest, it was a reminder to him to leave it to God. Then as he prayed, a sudden gust of wind blew pass him and the letter "D" dropped off the table. And those words became "Let go". It was a message from God to the man.
I then realize that this actually applied to me. When Amabel told me about the story, she said it somehow and she felt that it really related to her. And here, I am typing, it relates to me as well. Weird as it may be, but I think this is what God wants us to know: He is, has been and always will be there for us in our time of need. To some, it depends on whether we want the help or not. And when we want the help, it depends on whether we want to take the advice or not.
Life is made up of choices. I hate decisions. Being a precissionist, I want to do things the right way. And the thing is, I'm afraid of making the decision is because I'm afraid I'd make the wrong one.. And trust me, I've done a lot of wrong things in life that made people seriously mad at me before. And I learned from them all. But this time, I do not know why, but I feel really upset and burden weighed over my shoulders. I don't know what to do this time. I didn't feel this way last time. Why do I feel it now? Is it because I'm just growing up? Or is it because I'm just unlucky? Is God teaching me a lesson on determination and endurance here? My mind always flashes such - silly to some - thoughts and unthinkable-answer questions.
My life is then led to confusion and worse still, I can't shake off the love issue. Even the thing that I hoped I'd get rid of more easily, was as difficult as getting over my past.
I feel like I'm having my death speech here before I commit suicide. But trust me, I'd never do such a silly thing as to end my life so early. NO THANK YOU. I'm not a fool to do such a thing. Sigh, I sometimes do wonder. If committing suicide and doing silly things is what a fool is, then will what I want to do (cut off ties with them->people and my past) make me a fool as well?
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN gone emo .
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