Anti-social. Battle with my own conscience.
Again, I feel that way.
Sometimes all it takes is a talk
To make it motivating
A little encouragement
To make things going
I really really want to "blend-in" with them, but I don't seem to fit in anywhere.
Ottekay? Ottekay?!
I tried my best. I really did! Or did I? All I did was write a song. right. a song. What can that do? Bring fame to myself? WHO CARES? I just wanna talk to them. What's so difficult?? Right, missing the point here : I CAN'T EVEN OPEN A TOPIC BOTH THAT BOTH THEY AND I KNOW!!!
I tried to look on the bright side. At least I still have Deborah right? Sigh. WRONG. I must've been neglecting her trying my best to make friends with the others. I feel so terrible avoiding her like this. SHE'S MY FRIEND! And yet, I don't even talk to her already. the most is that I see her during YE, talk awhile. When that's it. And she's gone. Dunno go where. She's probably with Crystal and Hannah by then - at least I hoped so, it'd lighten my guilt a little. sigh. Oh whatever. As punishment, I'm still a loner. Or I have BECOME a REAL loner after she "left" me, in a sense.
I do know I talk to Rachel, Saul and today, Stephanie (Or Jiayi). Rachel is often with her friends and hui juan. And like, with people HER age. So.. I shan't poke my head into adult's business. Saul? Saul has his friends too, what's more? I girlfriend. Right, so, definitely OUT. Then Stephanie. I don't talk to her much either. It's like.. When I'm so alone, at my usual place - music room or a room with a piano inside, she appears. It's like God tells me I cannot be alone like this. Like when I tried to be alone today upstairs before offertory song. Huihui followed me to the piano room. I'm so sorry HuiHui! I know I'm a lousy entertainer. Sigh, I guess that must be it of why I can't make much friends here..
Today when Stephanie sneaked into the music room along with Mark. You have NO IDEA how happy I was. It was unexpected - that was first, and they forced me to continue playing and so on. Or rather, stephanie did. Well, fine. But I guess I was being too annoying when I said I didn't want to, until Mark was quite fustrated and say "Oso not like we're gonna force you!" Then he frown some more. zzz. SORRY LAH! LONER HERE A BIT HAPPY CANNOT AH. zzz. So I continued playing, then stephanie and I talked awhile before the auntie came to tell us she was about to lock the room and wanted all of us out. Then as we were on our way out, stephanie said, "This used to be the place I always went to when I was young."
I guess she must've been quite lonely too. Sigh. Well, I can always be a loner in church right? I mean, there are so many loners. I know one famous one - Amos. Is that how you spell his name? right. if not, oops =x Well, there are a number of loners in church, but I just can't seem to list them all out . STM. psps.
Should I remain a loner forever? I used to want to be lonely. Until when I went for a church camp in 2008, when Shirley told me that God created Eve for a reason. Adam(Man) cannot live alone. Or something like that. And that motivated me to make more friends. Or rather, that pushed me as like a guilt thing whenever I try to be a loner. I guess God really wants me to do something big uh? Sigh. I wonder if I can really do that. I totally screwed today's offertory song. What more handle a big "case"? I really feel like emo-ing now. But then, my sis would come laughing at me. UGHHH!!!! I can't even CRY when I want to!
Forget it. I wanna be a loner just this once kay. I know deep down I'm a nice person. That's what everyone says once they get to know me well. But it seems that my outer-appearance is SCARING people. I myself just lock myself up in the room and emo, until someone realizes a person is missing. isn't that a good solution? GRR! Even my little conscience inside of me is shouting into my "ear" telling me it's not. GRR!! Whatever lah! My temper is bad okay! Just bear with it. Oh, right. no one to bear with it. okay nvm. I shall shout to my bear today about today and scream it in it's ear until it hears me and respond..... never gonna happen -I know.
Feeling so miserable.
I really wish I can stop taking certain things for advantage. I really want to treasure them.. But there's always a boulder to make me stumble, Satan. And a true question that backs up in my head: "Do I really have a talent for music? That song I wrote, was just due to how I felt back then. Does it really take effect even now? Does it? People may say it's nice. But after a few times listening to it, is it really that nice? Be honest. It's not."
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
Again, I feel that way.
Sometimes all it takes is a talk
To make it motivating
A little encouragement
To make things going
I really really want to "blend-in" with them, but I don't seem to fit in anywhere.
Ottekay? Ottekay?!
I tried my best. I really did! Or did I? All I did was write a song. right. a song. What can that do? Bring fame to myself? WHO CARES? I just wanna talk to them. What's so difficult?? Right, missing the point here : I CAN'T EVEN OPEN A TOPIC BOTH THAT BOTH THEY AND I KNOW!!!
I tried to look on the bright side. At least I still have Deborah right? Sigh. WRONG. I must've been neglecting her trying my best to make friends with the others. I feel so terrible avoiding her like this. SHE'S MY FRIEND! And yet, I don't even talk to her already. the most is that I see her during YE, talk awhile. When that's it. And she's gone. Dunno go where. She's probably with Crystal and Hannah by then - at least I hoped so, it'd lighten my guilt a little. sigh. Oh whatever. As punishment, I'm still a loner. Or I have BECOME a REAL loner after she "left" me, in a sense.
I do know I talk to Rachel, Saul and today, Stephanie (Or Jiayi). Rachel is often with her friends and hui juan. And like, with people HER age. So.. I shan't poke my head into adult's business. Saul? Saul has his friends too, what's more? I girlfriend. Right, so, definitely OUT. Then Stephanie. I don't talk to her much either. It's like.. When I'm so alone, at my usual place - music room or a room with a piano inside, she appears. It's like God tells me I cannot be alone like this. Like when I tried to be alone today upstairs before offertory song. Huihui followed me to the piano room. I'm so sorry HuiHui! I know I'm a lousy entertainer. Sigh, I guess that must be it of why I can't make much friends here..
Today when Stephanie sneaked into the music room along with Mark. You have NO IDEA how happy I was. It was unexpected - that was first, and they forced me to continue playing and so on. Or rather, stephanie did. Well, fine. But I guess I was being too annoying when I said I didn't want to, until Mark was quite fustrated and say "Oso not like we're gonna force you!" Then he frown some more. zzz. SORRY LAH! LONER HERE A BIT HAPPY CANNOT AH. zzz. So I continued playing, then stephanie and I talked awhile before the auntie came to tell us she was about to lock the room and wanted all of us out. Then as we were on our way out, stephanie said, "This used to be the place I always went to when I was young."
I guess she must've been quite lonely too. Sigh. Well, I can always be a loner in church right? I mean, there are so many loners. I know one famous one - Amos. Is that how you spell his name? right. if not, oops =x Well, there are a number of loners in church, but I just can't seem to list them all out . STM. psps.
Should I remain a loner forever? I used to want to be lonely. Until when I went for a church camp in 2008, when Shirley told me that God created Eve for a reason. Adam(Man) cannot live alone. Or something like that. And that motivated me to make more friends. Or rather, that pushed me as like a guilt thing whenever I try to be a loner. I guess God really wants me to do something big uh? Sigh. I wonder if I can really do that. I totally screwed today's offertory song. What more handle a big "case"? I really feel like emo-ing now. But then, my sis would come laughing at me. UGHHH!!!! I can't even CRY when I want to!
Forget it. I wanna be a loner just this once kay. I know deep down I'm a nice person. That's what everyone says once they get to know me well. But it seems that my outer-appearance is SCARING people. I myself just lock myself up in the room and emo, until someone realizes a person is missing. isn't that a good solution? GRR! Even my little conscience inside of me is shouting into my "ear" telling me it's not. GRR!! Whatever lah! My temper is bad okay! Just bear with it. Oh, right. no one to bear with it. okay nvm. I shall shout to my bear today about today and scream it in it's ear until it hears me and respond..... never gonna happen -I know.
Feeling so miserable.
I really wish I can stop taking certain things for advantage. I really want to treasure them.. But there's always a boulder to make me stumble, Satan. And a true question that backs up in my head: "Do I really have a talent for music? That song I wrote, was just due to how I felt back then. Does it really take effect even now? Does it? People may say it's nice. But after a few times listening to it, is it really that nice? Be honest. It's not."
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
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