Recluse.
Btw, I've found out that it's spelled as f-l-a-b-b-e-r-g-a-s-t-e-d, means surprised greatly. And I got a feeling I've used it wrongly --"
I don't know why I feel this way, or actually used to feel that way. Felt like trying out for the solitary life. NGYYA!! What has gotten into me??!
Favours. To do it. And do it right.
Incongruous. Craven to do it for someone.
At times I feel weak, I can't do anything right .
I try to help her out, but I fail to do so.
At times I attempt to do it, but still fail,
I tell myself to persevere, keep moving forward, and don't look back.
At times when I do look back, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks
I begin to cry uncontrollably, as I saw a trail of unpleasant tracks.
At times when I break down into pieces,
I thought you weren't there. But in fact,
It's those times when I'm feeling down and weak,
you gave me the biggest hug just like I gave my teddy bear.
I used to really think that I wasn't important anywhere - at all.
But after some experiences, I guess I can say I was confounded.
Friends;
- I never really liked to be the one to talk in the group. The last time I did, when I was the most talkative one, I guess I may have accidentally said some things that were offensive to my friends and so they avoided me. Through that experience, I decided to stop being the talkative one.
- Yes, even though I'm not the talkative one in the group, or at least the fist noisiest one now.... Truth is, I guess I'll only be noisy when the group is too quiet. I guess I'm too used to listening to my group of friends talking and laughing away, a little silence would probably kill me (nah, just kiddin')
- Last time when I was in a group of friends, my best friend decided to call it her "gang". Apparently we were still in primary school, so we did not really know the true true meaning of it. We all thought it was cool and fun, so I joined in too. (Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to make friends. except bad things, of course. and I was certain this wasn't, kay -.-)
My group was kind of noisy and I didn't really get the chance to talk much. After a few weeks or months, when I finally couldn't take it (my tolerance level used to be higher because they were the noisiest group of friends I've ever had), whenever I went recess with them, right after I eat, I put back my plate, wash my hands, and walk away from them - so I became the tag-along person.
My friendship with my best friend was quite close. I use to go to her house and she talks to me about lots of fun things and especially dance. After taking her exam that year, she could start teaching dance already . Apparently when we reached secondary school(no longer best friend anymore) she picked track and field as her CCA instead. You could say I was quite disappointed. After all, she used to tell me that her dream was to become a famour dancer. I guess she decided to have better and reachable realistic goals. I may not know what've happened midway, but I wish her all the best (:
- Moving back, about the part where I said after I put back my plate and wash my hands and mouth, then walk away..? Yupp. I really did that. I suddenly felt like as they were talking, they never really noticed me or decided to include me at all. And so, like for e.g., when I'm sitting with them, the person sitting beside me(in the clique) will stand up and all of them will rush into the middle to tell some secrets and all that sort of stuff..
To tell you the truth, I used to gossip - a lot . Trust me. Then later when I just started gossiping, and started off like with a big mouth, I kinda got intro trouble and I got reprimanded by my teacher and after still denying the fact that I gossipped, she scolded me even more. Man, I couldn't believe I was so thick-skinned last time . Now, when I wanna be lian hou oso so difficult. Very bu hao yi si na yang ... Well, and so, while they gossip, I sit there, looking alone, trying to fit in to some random clique by sitting with them for recess - pathetic.
+ Apparently, now, when I talk much, it didn't really affect my friends at all. well, I guess we were all too sensitive last time. And now, I'm more matured and can understand other people's feelings just by having at least 30 minutes of conversation with them. And well, I guess being all-time cheerful is the best way to making friends (:
It's no wonder God made me talk to her :D
Family;
- It's not much about my own family. But rather, my cousins. Here, I was being left out again. I have 3 cousins on my dad's side. And all 3 are girls. 1 same age as my sis, the other 2 are just one year older than my sis and my other cousin that is same age as her, 18(this year, sis and si en). As the age group between the 4 of them(including my sis) and me, it's like, 3-4 years apart, I'm normally the outcast.
- To some, it may be surprising, but definitely not to me. Whenever I meet my cousins, my sis and the cousins rush to a room and start talking and talking. Oh yeah, did I mention I didn't like gossiping? It kinda makes me feel guilty. Well, ever since I got scolded last time, once bitten twice shy, eh? ... Then, whenever I pry into the room, before I say a word, they tell me to get out. And my sister will always be the first to say this to me, "You very extra leh, go away leh!!" then followed by the other cousins.
- And so, I never really got engaged to gossiping. Why? My friends gossip about bad things I can't take, my sister - and cousins - don't even include me in their conversation. And whenever they laugh, I feel so sad and left out I just go to the toilet and stone most of the time. Otherwise, I talk to the adults. That's probably why I can understand feelings (mature faster in this area) better than my sister -.- Also, on my mother's side, all my cousins are little boys . Far to young to even hold a proper conversation with me. Heck .
- Sometimes when the grownups are talking about important things, I just find a seat and sit and stone. That used to be my lifestyle . I'm not sure why, but I guess it's because I don't find much fun in school, I look forward to having fun with my cousins despite the fact that I know they would never include me in their conversations that I became really anti-social in new environments.
- Even now, I feel weird greeting teachers as they pass by . I don't think I even feel right . I mean ... ugh!! I don't know how to say it, but it's not what u guys probably think - exaggerated way .. It's something that I really don't know how to say. Like for example, I know it's right to smile at my neighbours when I get the chance to when I walk pass them, just in case they look right at me and give me a glance - showing that their first impression/current impression of me's not good. This leads me to the craven part ..
- I feel I lack of so many things, not being offensive or to blame God here. I'm trying to say that I don't believe that I do have the courage and determination to press on and do things. My heart desires for a change in my mind. But it seems that it doesn't wanna work together . As a result, after missing an opportunity to make a difference, I so regretted. somewhat remorseful too.
- I blame myself for the slightest bit of things. Just like how a typical woman get angry for the slightest bit of things.
+ Now, as I grew older, like the friends part, I began to mature a lot and so did my cousins. They began to accept me in their conversations. And now? We're talking like normal relatives (:
+ Also, after many lessons in YE (in my church). And some sermons from both church and school, I've come to learn not to wallow in self-pity; otherwise I'll never look up to myself, and nobody will ever look up to me too. I've learnt self-control . To restrict my anger at things, control financial stuff (not to keep spending aimlessly, esp. buying clothes that I'll only wear for a few days and classify it as "unwanted in the closet"), To look at things from a different perspective and sometimes look at the pros and cons. Then, I will then know what I should do next.
~~~~~~~
I didn't quite like school today either. It was kinda boring and well, I only liked chapel . Even though I know I slept midway --" SORRRY LAH!! tired lah -_-"
Well, it's 5.33pm right now and I gtg bathe before starting my lesson with dora today @ 6pm! (:
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
Btw, I've found out that it's spelled as f-l-a-b-b-e-r-g-a-s-t-e-d, means surprised greatly. And I got a feeling I've used it wrongly --"
I don't know why I feel this way, or actually used to feel that way. Felt like trying out for the solitary life. NGYYA!! What has gotten into me??!
Favours. To do it. And do it right.
Incongruous. Craven to do it for someone.
At times I feel weak, I can't do anything right .
I try to help her out, but I fail to do so.
At times I attempt to do it, but still fail,
I tell myself to persevere, keep moving forward, and don't look back.
At times when I do look back, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks
I begin to cry uncontrollably, as I saw a trail of unpleasant tracks.
At times when I break down into pieces,
I thought you weren't there. But in fact,
It's those times when I'm feeling down and weak,
you gave me the biggest hug just like I gave my teddy bear.
I used to really think that I wasn't important anywhere - at all.
But after some experiences, I guess I can say I was confounded.
Friends;
- I never really liked to be the one to talk in the group. The last time I did, when I was the most talkative one, I guess I may have accidentally said some things that were offensive to my friends and so they avoided me. Through that experience, I decided to stop being the talkative one.
- Yes, even though I'm not the talkative one in the group, or at least the fist noisiest one now.... Truth is, I guess I'll only be noisy when the group is too quiet. I guess I'm too used to listening to my group of friends talking and laughing away, a little silence would probably kill me (nah, just kiddin')
- Last time when I was in a group of friends, my best friend decided to call it her "gang". Apparently we were still in primary school, so we did not really know the true true meaning of it. We all thought it was cool and fun, so I joined in too. (Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to make friends. except bad things, of course. and I was certain this wasn't, kay -.-)
My group was kind of noisy and I didn't really get the chance to talk much. After a few weeks or months, when I finally couldn't take it (my tolerance level used to be higher because they were the noisiest group of friends I've ever had), whenever I went recess with them, right after I eat, I put back my plate, wash my hands, and walk away from them - so I became the tag-along person.
My friendship with my best friend was quite close. I use to go to her house and she talks to me about lots of fun things and especially dance. After taking her exam that year, she could start teaching dance already . Apparently when we reached secondary school(no longer best friend anymore) she picked track and field as her CCA instead. You could say I was quite disappointed. After all, she used to tell me that her dream was to become a famour dancer. I guess she decided to have better and reachable realistic goals. I may not know what've happened midway, but I wish her all the best (:
- Moving back, about the part where I said after I put back my plate and wash my hands and mouth, then walk away..? Yupp. I really did that. I suddenly felt like as they were talking, they never really noticed me or decided to include me at all. And so, like for e.g., when I'm sitting with them, the person sitting beside me(in the clique) will stand up and all of them will rush into the middle to tell some secrets and all that sort of stuff..
To tell you the truth, I used to gossip - a lot . Trust me. Then later when I just started gossiping, and started off like with a big mouth, I kinda got intro trouble and I got reprimanded by my teacher and after still denying the fact that I gossipped, she scolded me even more. Man, I couldn't believe I was so thick-skinned last time . Now, when I wanna be lian hou oso so difficult. Very bu hao yi si na yang ... Well, and so, while they gossip, I sit there, looking alone, trying to fit in to some random clique by sitting with them for recess - pathetic.
+ Apparently, now, when I talk much, it didn't really affect my friends at all. well, I guess we were all too sensitive last time. And now, I'm more matured and can understand other people's feelings just by having at least 30 minutes of conversation with them. And well, I guess being all-time cheerful is the best way to making friends (:
It's no wonder God made me talk to her :D
Family;
- It's not much about my own family. But rather, my cousins. Here, I was being left out again. I have 3 cousins on my dad's side. And all 3 are girls. 1 same age as my sis, the other 2 are just one year older than my sis and my other cousin that is same age as her, 18(this year, sis and si en). As the age group between the 4 of them(including my sis) and me, it's like, 3-4 years apart, I'm normally the outcast.
- To some, it may be surprising, but definitely not to me. Whenever I meet my cousins, my sis and the cousins rush to a room and start talking and talking. Oh yeah, did I mention I didn't like gossiping? It kinda makes me feel guilty. Well, ever since I got scolded last time, once bitten twice shy, eh? ... Then, whenever I pry into the room, before I say a word, they tell me to get out. And my sister will always be the first to say this to me, "You very extra leh, go away leh!!" then followed by the other cousins.
- And so, I never really got engaged to gossiping. Why? My friends gossip about bad things I can't take, my sister - and cousins - don't even include me in their conversation. And whenever they laugh, I feel so sad and left out I just go to the toilet and stone most of the time. Otherwise, I talk to the adults. That's probably why I can understand feelings (mature faster in this area) better than my sister -.- Also, on my mother's side, all my cousins are little boys . Far to young to even hold a proper conversation with me. Heck .
- Sometimes when the grownups are talking about important things, I just find a seat and sit and stone. That used to be my lifestyle . I'm not sure why, but I guess it's because I don't find much fun in school, I look forward to having fun with my cousins despite the fact that I know they would never include me in their conversations that I became really anti-social in new environments.
- Even now, I feel weird greeting teachers as they pass by . I don't think I even feel right . I mean ... ugh!! I don't know how to say it, but it's not what u guys probably think - exaggerated way .. It's something that I really don't know how to say. Like for example, I know it's right to smile at my neighbours when I get the chance to when I walk pass them, just in case they look right at me and give me a glance - showing that their first impression/current impression of me's not good. This leads me to the craven part ..
- I feel I lack of so many things, not being offensive or to blame God here. I'm trying to say that I don't believe that I do have the courage and determination to press on and do things. My heart desires for a change in my mind. But it seems that it doesn't wanna work together . As a result, after missing an opportunity to make a difference, I so regretted. somewhat remorseful too.
- I blame myself for the slightest bit of things. Just like how a typical woman get angry for the slightest bit of things.
+ Now, as I grew older, like the friends part, I began to mature a lot and so did my cousins. They began to accept me in their conversations. And now? We're talking like normal relatives (:
+ Also, after many lessons in YE (in my church). And some sermons from both church and school, I've come to learn not to wallow in self-pity; otherwise I'll never look up to myself, and nobody will ever look up to me too. I've learnt self-control . To restrict my anger at things, control financial stuff (not to keep spending aimlessly, esp. buying clothes that I'll only wear for a few days and classify it as "unwanted in the closet"), To look at things from a different perspective and sometimes look at the pros and cons. Then, I will then know what I should do next.
~~~~~~~
I didn't quite like school today either. It was kinda boring and well, I only liked chapel . Even though I know I slept midway --" SORRRY LAH!! tired lah -_-"
Well, it's 5.33pm right now and I gtg bathe before starting my lesson with dora today @ 6pm! (:
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
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