Confused; Dumb... ; COWARD .
Confused about my life; Dumb for being this way; such a coward!
I don't know if I'm going towards the right path anymore!!!!!! I've done so much or too little; I do not know, I tried my best to do it - But have absolutely no idea if I did it right/gone the right path. I tried to follow. Am I following? If I am, am I following right? WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON????!!!!!?!?!?!!!! -@ Confused.
I somehow feel like I'm living in self-denial... Am I gonna keep pretending? Putting that false act infront of everyone? YUME!! STOP DREAMING!! This is REALITY!! R-E-A-L-I-T-Y!! It's not a fantasy world. Exactly, am I even doing the right thing? I don't know anymore. My mixed feelings is corrupting my LIFE!! What am I to do? I feel stupid. I wrote that song that has the meaning of "peace". But up till now, I don't really get the true peace I get from Him or do I even know if I feel it? Did I use His Peace for my advantage? Taking it for granted? Am I really using my talent right? Yes, I may have wrote a song, but when my feelings aren't true and in it while I wrote the song, how can the true message be brought through the song to everybody?? This is just too fustrating. I have a sudden feeling of dumbness in me, the sense of foolishness for doing all this.
Is that Jesus or Satan speaking? I don't seem to know much much of a difference anymore. I'm so confused. A corrupted past and current mixed feelings. Immemoriable pasts piled up.. Weird friendships.. At least I still know what's right and wrong, that is, if I still possess a heart.
I didn't dare to face it. I really didn't. I guess I really didn't. TWO HUGE EVIDENCES!! First; when I finally build the courage up for more than 2 years, I've finally let it out. Only to my disappointed, I had to go through a big blow. For this entire week, I've been thinking of coming up with an excuse to cover it up. But I keep telling myself this: "If you do try, you'll never ever build up your courage AND confidence to do other things." Or at least something like that. Till now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm - yes, this is counted - too confused with this. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS. The moment my parents told me about having to make my own choices when I really do grow up, I panic - even when I've never experienced it before. That is - as a matter of a fact - also one of the reasons why I don't wanna grow up just yet, and also, why, my maturity level at my age is different from my other friends.
Second; I was suppose to have my guzheng cca today. But I was sick during the first period of school already. My head felt like someone was stomping their foot on my head. And my throat hurt like mad after coughing too much due to the phelgm that tickled my throat so very hard. The more I coughed, the more my stomach hurts and my headache worsen.. And so, as today I had SS test, I decided o just take it before going home. But then again, I realised that I CANNOT MISS OUT LITERATURE!! Most definitely NOT!!!! If I do, I'll be WAYYYY behind time. And so I stayed till school ended. Sian Ling was sick too and we wanted to look for Chen Lao shi to ask her if we could leave. Knowing that the sec 4s and 5s (my group both leaders sec 4, left me, the only leader) are having their camps, I'm supposed to take charge. Same with Sian Ling. And so, we're basically screwed. Why?
That's cos both of our groups don't have suitable people to LEAD THE GROUP!! O-M-G!! ZZZZZZ!!!! But heck. We still managed to persuade Chen Lao shi to let us off. And so, I went to see doc just now. After taking medication, though after one time it still has not taken effect yet - my voice has changed after medication AND dinner. Worse, my phelgm is blocking my windpipe or something, I'm having difficulty breathing. Just like how I used to have bronchitis. Before I knew it, I REALISED I WAS REALLY GONNA HAVE MY BRONCHITIS AGAIN IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING!! And so I took deep breaths. Even though I still have yet to recover, I still need to wait for awhile 'cos I just got the "sickness" today. Currently, my voice is a little hoarse, but hopefully, it'll recover tomorrow, yeah? ... sigh.. Now, I feel that I skipped cca today mostly is because I was afraid I had to lead the entire group today. Oh my goodness. What is wrong with me?
I WANNA BUILD UP MY COURAGE!!
With the step right infront of me to take,
I take another step back instead
The courage I need to have
Which I can only get when I choose the right path.
Why can't I do it right? I feel stupidly angry at myself and dumb. With this added on? Emo-ness much.. I really can't help myself - even though I know I'm having low self-esteem and confidence (though no really the extreme, I hope).. but say this:
"Coward."
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
Confused about my life; Dumb for being this way; such a coward!
I don't know if I'm going towards the right path anymore!!!!!! I've done so much or too little; I do not know, I tried my best to do it - But have absolutely no idea if I did it right/gone the right path. I tried to follow. Am I following? If I am, am I following right? WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON????!!!!!?!?!?!!!! -@ Confused.
I somehow feel like I'm living in self-denial... Am I gonna keep pretending? Putting that false act infront of everyone? YUME!! STOP DREAMING!! This is REALITY!! R-E-A-L-I-T-Y!! It's not a fantasy world. Exactly, am I even doing the right thing? I don't know anymore. My mixed feelings is corrupting my LIFE!! What am I to do? I feel stupid. I wrote that song that has the meaning of "peace". But up till now, I don't really get the true peace I get from Him or do I even know if I feel it? Did I use His Peace for my advantage? Taking it for granted? Am I really using my talent right? Yes, I may have wrote a song, but when my feelings aren't true and in it while I wrote the song, how can the true message be brought through the song to everybody?? This is just too fustrating. I have a sudden feeling of dumbness in me, the sense of foolishness for doing all this.
Is that Jesus or Satan speaking? I don't seem to know much much of a difference anymore. I'm so confused. A corrupted past and current mixed feelings. Immemoriable pasts piled up.. Weird friendships.. At least I still know what's right and wrong, that is, if I still possess a heart.
I didn't dare to face it. I really didn't. I guess I really didn't. TWO HUGE EVIDENCES!! First; when I finally build the courage up for more than 2 years, I've finally let it out. Only to my disappointed, I had to go through a big blow. For this entire week, I've been thinking of coming up with an excuse to cover it up. But I keep telling myself this: "If you do try, you'll never ever build up your courage AND confidence to do other things." Or at least something like that. Till now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm - yes, this is counted - too confused with this. I HATE MAKING DECISIONS. The moment my parents told me about having to make my own choices when I really do grow up, I panic - even when I've never experienced it before. That is - as a matter of a fact - also one of the reasons why I don't wanna grow up just yet, and also, why, my maturity level at my age is different from my other friends.
Second; I was suppose to have my guzheng cca today. But I was sick during the first period of school already. My head felt like someone was stomping their foot on my head. And my throat hurt like mad after coughing too much due to the phelgm that tickled my throat so very hard. The more I coughed, the more my stomach hurts and my headache worsen.. And so, as today I had SS test, I decided o just take it before going home. But then again, I realised that I CANNOT MISS OUT LITERATURE!! Most definitely NOT!!!! If I do, I'll be WAYYYY behind time. And so I stayed till school ended. Sian Ling was sick too and we wanted to look for Chen Lao shi to ask her if we could leave. Knowing that the sec 4s and 5s (my group both leaders sec 4, left me, the only leader) are having their camps, I'm supposed to take charge. Same with Sian Ling. And so, we're basically screwed. Why?
That's cos both of our groups don't have suitable people to LEAD THE GROUP!! O-M-G!! ZZZZZZ!!!! But heck. We still managed to persuade Chen Lao shi to let us off. And so, I went to see doc just now. After taking medication, though after one time it still has not taken effect yet - my voice has changed after medication AND dinner. Worse, my phelgm is blocking my windpipe or something, I'm having difficulty breathing. Just like how I used to have bronchitis. Before I knew it, I REALISED I WAS REALLY GONNA HAVE MY BRONCHITIS AGAIN IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING!! And so I took deep breaths. Even though I still have yet to recover, I still need to wait for awhile 'cos I just got the "sickness" today. Currently, my voice is a little hoarse, but hopefully, it'll recover tomorrow, yeah? ... sigh.. Now, I feel that I skipped cca today mostly is because I was afraid I had to lead the entire group today. Oh my goodness. What is wrong with me?
I WANNA BUILD UP MY COURAGE!!
With the step right infront of me to take,
I take another step back instead
The courage I need to have
Which I can only get when I choose the right path.
Why can't I do it right? I feel stupidly angry at myself and dumb. With this added on? Emo-ness much.. I really can't help myself - even though I know I'm having low self-esteem and confidence (though no really the extreme, I hope).. but say this:
"Coward."
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
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