I can't believe it . Wth am I doing?? ..
.. ".. I want the answer .."
I feel reckless & lethargic
Lost in the city
hungry and thirsty
my mood is getting cranky
where's my teddy?
I don't know what's what anymore .
As soon as I heard my alarm, I sprung out of bed . I can't believe this ..
I'm going to school . Not that I've been very long away from it anyways ..
It's just last friday I didn't go to school . [Yes, now I'm feeling much better
thanks to all of your prayers(: ] I quickly got changed and got ready for
school . The usual routine again .
My feet shuffled as I made my way up to my class . I hate this .. I hate this ..
As soon as I got to my place, I dropped my bag and fell back onto my chair .
To study? Or not to study ..? I'm confused .. I took out my breakfast and
started on the crispiest side . Yeah, I was eating chicken pie .
I walked around class, looking for interesting talks among small groups..
HAHA, just kidding . I was just walking around . Sat beside Jelene and talked
awhile before going back to my seat and continue with my chicken pie ..
It was not long before I heard the stupid announcement going, "Students,
please be reminded that assembly will be carried out in the parade square .."
"YEAHYEAHYEAH, SHUTUP .." I repeated that twice before walking out of
class and waited for the sleeping beauty today to come out of class .
There were three new teachers and two guests . I didn't see the VIPs today
though . Such a pity, yet, I'm kinda happy I didn't bump into them .
The first period after contact time - which was after assembly - was P.E.
Everyone got changed to P.E. attire and assembled at the school hall .
We did exercises for the game, 'softball' . Yeah, I kinda suck at it . Well ....
truth is ... I suck at all sports . In fact, I hate sports . But I kinda enjoyed it .
Though I hated sports, I exercise to vent out my fustrations and bad
thought, memories, stress, etc .. It was the first time in my LIFE I actually
ENJOYED P.E.
During english period -after P.E.- the three new teachers came in, and broke
the news to us that Mr Ng was on MC and could not attend the lesson . So
he gave us work to do . I didn't complain, I just did as I was told, to finish
the work given . I was kinda quiet throughout the whole two periods .
I sat at zoeyy's table to do the comprehension work . Sickening thing ..
Why am I even HERE anyways? I should be at home, composing my
music RIGHT NOW . What was I thinking?? How could I think of that?
Am I not supposed to please my parents with good results? I couldn't
concentrate on the piece of work given to us . I just couldn't .
I'm guessing I'd be receiving chinese, math and chemistry paper today .
I took my medicine at 10.03am sharp . As I gulped the water down my
throat, I was still wondering, should I study or not?
The bell rang at 10.30am sharp . Everyone greeted the teachers and left for
recess . Zoey and I went for recess with Charmaine and Nicole . I just didn't
have the feeling of going recess with Jelene and Nadia ... Just then, Jelene
came behind me and put her left arm over my shoulder, whispering, "Hey..
today can dun ..... uh.. 'Cos Nadia ..." Then she was interrupted by the other
people calling her . I just ignored that statement . I somehow already knew
she wouldn't wanna go recess with zoey and me, probably mostly it's because
of me . Well, I'm probably not that "warm" with her as to Jelene . But heck .
I'm probably just the cold-blooded to some in school . To some, I may just be
the happiest person on Earth - OR, the most cheerful, bright, deadly, negative
or positive - to them .
During recess, I ate nasi lemak and drank cold green tea . When I was
finishing up, I just realised I ate oily food - which I'm NOT supposed to eat -
and drank cold water - which I'm NOT supposed to drink . UGH! What's
up with me today?? One thing for sure, I'm not myself .
I walked into the cafe to throw the rubbish and put the empty cup away .
I saw them . I saw THEM . I tried to look down and pretend that I did not
notice them . I walked out of the cafeteria heading towards the table where I
left . We waited for Nicole to buy her stuff before we headed back to class .
Facts
Life was moody
Life was dead
Oh that moron
I wished it dead
Taking a slow walk back to class, I thought about what Pastor Fu Man said
the other day . ".. Studying can be a vice .." and I remembered something like,
if it's purpose is to become mathematician - for example - it doesn't glorify
God in any way . " .. We have to be God-centered, not self-centered .." Many
such phrases kept buzzing in my head all day . I didn't know what to do . I
didn't know how to link everything up . Seeing my english comprehension
results just made me go into serious confusion . I couldn't understand why,
why he wasn't there . Why it was like so . Nobody was happy with their
results, except, of cos, maybe Katie .
Back to reality .
It was chinese lesson afterwards . No paper .
I guess God saw through me and gave me a break during chinese lesson .
We basically just wrote our problems on a piece of paper, pass it around the
class systematically, write out opinions that we think can help others .. well..
on other people's papers . Wrote on quite a lot of papers . Next, was math .
It was time .
Hearts thumping
Teeth clenching
Hands trembling
Feet shaking
We received our paper . I faired OK . After receiving my paper, I just screened
through if there were any careless mistakes . I'd realised that I lost 3 marks
because of my stupid carelessness! Pissed . I could've gotten an A1 had I not
lost those THREE marks . Now, I just have an A2 for math .
After math, was chemistry .. only .. Mrs Teo took those two periods - 1h 10min -
for P.E.!! GAWSH!! I LOVE U MRS TEO!! And so, I withdrew all my anger and
fustration into that ball and threw it . P.s. sorry for throwing the ball too hard .
The most killing-me part came after P.E. When I was returning the ball into the
box, Mrs Teo tapped my shoulder and talked to me about my results, comparing
with last year . I know I did badly, I know it was worse . I know . I know .
I know . She talked and talked . The rest left already, leaving zoey - waiting for
me - and me at the parade square . I was in a daze after she spoke to me .
The same reaction after recalling Pastors' "important" phrases . I didn't know
how to react . She told me it was bad compared to last year . I had no reaction .
I didn't know what to do . All I thought of was, Must I study .. or not?
That question kept buzzing in my head for a really really long time .. In YE,
there are so many smart people, you know . I know, it's easy and convenient
to find someone to help you with a difficult science question or something ..
But when they solve it so easily, I feel .. so dumb as to not see it that way,
I feel so narrow-minded . So .. small ..
After school, I went home . Thinking about what happened today . What should
I do? Study really hard and get it done and over with? Don't study? Drop out
of school? Jump of a building? WHAT???
It hurts me when I think of it and some of the results that I've already known .
I've pictured the day when I'm gonna tell my parents to sign my report book .
Scene:
I walk up to them after they're done eating, open the report book and show it
to them .
Me: I've done my best .
Parents: ..... (no answer)
I leave and walk to my room, close the door, and cry like a big crybaby .
I mean, what ELSE can I do? Tell them to postpone me to another school?
No way, I'm staying here, where all my friends are .
I don't know what to do ..
Lord, you said you'd help,
I've seen the results, what help did u do?
Are u teaching me a lesson?
What?? And why??
I'm confused and lost .
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
.. ".. I want the answer .."
I feel reckless & lethargic
Lost in the city
hungry and thirsty
my mood is getting cranky
where's my teddy?
I don't know what's what anymore .
As soon as I heard my alarm, I sprung out of bed . I can't believe this ..
I'm going to school . Not that I've been very long away from it anyways ..
It's just last friday I didn't go to school . [Yes, now I'm feeling much better
thanks to all of your prayers(: ] I quickly got changed and got ready for
school . The usual routine again .
My feet shuffled as I made my way up to my class . I hate this .. I hate this ..
As soon as I got to my place, I dropped my bag and fell back onto my chair .
To study? Or not to study ..? I'm confused .. I took out my breakfast and
started on the crispiest side . Yeah, I was eating chicken pie .
I walked around class, looking for interesting talks among small groups..
HAHA, just kidding . I was just walking around . Sat beside Jelene and talked
awhile before going back to my seat and continue with my chicken pie ..
It was not long before I heard the stupid announcement going, "Students,
please be reminded that assembly will be carried out in the parade square .."
"YEAHYEAHYEAH, SHUTUP .." I repeated that twice before walking out of
class and waited for the sleeping beauty today to come out of class .
There were three new teachers and two guests . I didn't see the VIPs today
though . Such a pity, yet, I'm kinda happy I didn't bump into them .
The first period after contact time - which was after assembly - was P.E.
Everyone got changed to P.E. attire and assembled at the school hall .
We did exercises for the game, 'softball' . Yeah, I kinda suck at it . Well ....
truth is ... I suck at all sports . In fact, I hate sports . But I kinda enjoyed it .
Though I hated sports, I exercise to vent out my fustrations and bad
thought, memories, stress, etc .. It was the first time in my LIFE I actually
ENJOYED P.E.
During english period -after P.E.- the three new teachers came in, and broke
the news to us that Mr Ng was on MC and could not attend the lesson . So
he gave us work to do . I didn't complain, I just did as I was told, to finish
the work given . I was kinda quiet throughout the whole two periods .
I sat at zoeyy's table to do the comprehension work . Sickening thing ..
Why am I even HERE anyways? I should be at home, composing my
music RIGHT NOW . What was I thinking?? How could I think of that?
Am I not supposed to please my parents with good results? I couldn't
concentrate on the piece of work given to us . I just couldn't .
I'm guessing I'd be receiving chinese, math and chemistry paper today .
I took my medicine at 10.03am sharp . As I gulped the water down my
throat, I was still wondering, should I study or not?
The bell rang at 10.30am sharp . Everyone greeted the teachers and left for
recess . Zoey and I went for recess with Charmaine and Nicole . I just didn't
have the feeling of going recess with Jelene and Nadia ... Just then, Jelene
came behind me and put her left arm over my shoulder, whispering, "Hey..
today can dun ..... uh.. 'Cos Nadia ..." Then she was interrupted by the other
people calling her . I just ignored that statement . I somehow already knew
she wouldn't wanna go recess with zoey and me, probably mostly it's because
of me . Well, I'm probably not that "warm" with her as to Jelene . But heck .
I'm probably just the cold-blooded to some in school . To some, I may just be
the happiest person on Earth - OR, the most cheerful, bright, deadly, negative
or positive - to them .
During recess, I ate nasi lemak and drank cold green tea . When I was
finishing up, I just realised I ate oily food - which I'm NOT supposed to eat -
and drank cold water - which I'm NOT supposed to drink . UGH! What's
up with me today?? One thing for sure, I'm not myself .
I walked into the cafe to throw the rubbish and put the empty cup away .
I saw them . I saw THEM . I tried to look down and pretend that I did not
notice them . I walked out of the cafeteria heading towards the table where I
left . We waited for Nicole to buy her stuff before we headed back to class .
Facts
Life was moody
Life was dead
Oh that moron
I wished it dead
Taking a slow walk back to class, I thought about what Pastor Fu Man said
the other day . ".. Studying can be a vice .." and I remembered something like,
if it's purpose is to become mathematician - for example - it doesn't glorify
God in any way . " .. We have to be God-centered, not self-centered .." Many
such phrases kept buzzing in my head all day . I didn't know what to do . I
didn't know how to link everything up . Seeing my english comprehension
results just made me go into serious confusion . I couldn't understand why,
why he wasn't there . Why it was like so . Nobody was happy with their
results, except, of cos, maybe Katie .
Back to reality .
It was chinese lesson afterwards . No paper .
I guess God saw through me and gave me a break during chinese lesson .
We basically just wrote our problems on a piece of paper, pass it around the
class systematically, write out opinions that we think can help others .. well..
on other people's papers . Wrote on quite a lot of papers . Next, was math .
It was time .
Hearts thumping
Teeth clenching
Hands trembling
Feet shaking
We received our paper . I faired OK . After receiving my paper, I just screened
through if there were any careless mistakes . I'd realised that I lost 3 marks
because of my stupid carelessness! Pissed . I could've gotten an A1 had I not
lost those THREE marks . Now, I just have an A2 for math .
After math, was chemistry .. only .. Mrs Teo took those two periods - 1h 10min -
for P.E.!! GAWSH!! I LOVE U MRS TEO!! And so, I withdrew all my anger and
fustration into that ball and threw it . P.s. sorry for throwing the ball too hard .
The most killing-me part came after P.E. When I was returning the ball into the
box, Mrs Teo tapped my shoulder and talked to me about my results, comparing
with last year . I know I did badly, I know it was worse . I know . I know .
I know . She talked and talked . The rest left already, leaving zoey - waiting for
me - and me at the parade square . I was in a daze after she spoke to me .
The same reaction after recalling Pastors' "important" phrases . I didn't know
how to react . She told me it was bad compared to last year . I had no reaction .
I didn't know what to do . All I thought of was, Must I study .. or not?
That question kept buzzing in my head for a really really long time .. In YE,
there are so many smart people, you know . I know, it's easy and convenient
to find someone to help you with a difficult science question or something ..
But when they solve it so easily, I feel .. so dumb as to not see it that way,
I feel so narrow-minded . So .. small ..
After school, I went home . Thinking about what happened today . What should
I do? Study really hard and get it done and over with? Don't study? Drop out
of school? Jump of a building? WHAT???
It hurts me when I think of it and some of the results that I've already known .
I've pictured the day when I'm gonna tell my parents to sign my report book .
Scene:
I walk up to them after they're done eating, open the report book and show it
to them .
Me: I've done my best .
Parents: ..... (no answer)
I leave and walk to my room, close the door, and cry like a big crybaby .
I mean, what ELSE can I do? Tell them to postpone me to another school?
No way, I'm staying here, where all my friends are .
I don't know what to do ..
Lord, you said you'd help,
I've seen the results, what help did u do?
Are u teaching me a lesson?
What?? And why??
I'm confused and lost .
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
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