DAYDREAM . nightmare .
I feel as if like I'm in a nightmare, a really, really, bad one .
So bad, to the extent that I cannot open my eyes .
Surely my senses are not failing me .
I can feel it . I can feel that she's angry with me .
I feel that my whole life's corrupting .
I see depression in her eyes, I don't know what to do .
GOD, HELP ME );
Woke up 3-4 seconds before my alarm at 5.57am .
I couldn't sleep anymore, even though I slept at 12am+
the day before . I hear the door knock,
and suddenly, a light shone quite brightly on my face .
I opened my eyes to see a blur figure at the door,
that pretty much faded off in less than 2 seconds .
I rubbed my eyes and stretched .
I changed and got out of my room with Orlie walking ahead
of me . Combed my hair, tied it up, and headed to the toilet .
I already had the feeling that it was going to be a moody day .
Okay, maybe not that moody though .
I fed Orlie and went out with my mum and she fetched me
to school .
As I got out of the car, my feet, dragging on the pathway,
my face all pale - as usual, in the morning - as I walk to the
gate . I greeted the teachers, but not response . I continued
shuffling my feet to the tapping area thingy for attendance .
Once I tapped my attendance, I realised I was walking even
slower .
What was I doing? Having a dreadful morning when nothing
bad even came my way? What the heck?
Walking up the staircase . Readily for school .
I entered the class and threw my bag on the floor, I sat on my
seat and stared blankly in the air . It was moments before
I adjusted my socks (to pull it lower) .
I took out the things I needed for lessons later .
I felt upset, for some reason, burdens weighed on my shoulders .
Vienna came up to me and passed me a note . I read it
after assembly, after PE .
After reading the note, I nearly broke down .
How come I've seen two people siding her already, and
none on my side? What have a done wrong?? Where have I
gotten wrong??
I couldn't see it, my eyes were still blindfolded by a red cloth .
I held back my tears .
It was English . I thought we were all late, but he was late himself .
I couldn't get my mind off the matter . What did it mean?
What did she mean by 'maybe you should apologise' ..?
I couldn't understand . My mind was in a swirl . Confusion .
Mr Ng thought zoeyy - who sat behind me for today - was daydreaming .
He caught my attention, even though he didn't notice .
It was recess later on . I have not done chemistry yet .
The worksheet is really KILLING me . I don't know a lot of
questions . But I'm pretty sure that some were 'indicators and pH'
which we have not learnt yet .
When I was done, zoeyy and I went tot he cafeteria and ate .
No one spoke . If we did, it was just a few, mere short sentences,
or words, rather .
I wanted to break down any minute .
Then came chinese . DREADED IT . TOTALLY . It was the
ORAL thing and I just couldn't stand THAT TEACH'S FACE . UGH .
At the end of her lesson, I handed in 'Lian bi' that was
last week's homework . To be handed in today .
Then was math . I don't dare to show it to my parents . I was
afraid they may scold me or something, I know it was careless .
I KNOW IT . And that it was poor time management .
But anyway, they wouldn't really care if I do not bring it up .
After maths, it was Chemistry . I ace-d it (the tests that she gave) .
Surprisingly, I was able to concentrate when chemistry is
concerned -___-"
Scored a 25/26 . That one mistake was because I kept thinking
that Fluorine was Fl and not F, which is, the correct one .
And so, I lost that one mark .
The previous test before that one was 22/25 . 88% .
I wanted to cry at that moment . There was sweets .
I just wanted to cry . I don't know why . I JUST WANTED TO CRY .
YES, CRY HARD LIKE A CRYBABY .
I felt like some useless piece of shit . God said he'd use me,
I allowed him to . But I don't see it . WHY???
After school ended, I followed Cheryl Tay - my ex-classmate,
who happened to pass by my class and asked someone for
someone or something - to the canteen to have lunch or something .
I went to the toilet . Not long later, she disappeared .
Great . Just when I thought things wouldn't get any worse .
I didn't eat my lunch . Well, I just ate my salmon bread
that my Mum prepared for me early in the morning before sending
me to school .
I waited for my neighbour to finish her lessons before I followed her
home to study, or rather, she help me with my 'Jian Bao' .
Everything changed after seeing her . My mood, my expression,
EVERYTHING .
I met her at the bus stop nearest school .
The moment I got there, bus 53 arrived .
And so, we got up the bus . It was rather empty, and we got
seats . So we sat down . We talked awhile, nothing much .
Then we got off . And she started getting all hyper .
And I thought to myself, 'I'm not going to spoil her mood,
I'm not going to spoil her mood, NOT today!'
Then I tried to act .
While I was in her house, and she helped me with my
chinese homework, - she was doing chemistry too - she saw
the note in my block file . She asked me if I could read it .
Then when I said no, she said, "You know, my friend also
like you like that, whenever she got letter, I ask her to let me
see, she say no . But in the end, I oso see ."
Then I just let her see it -.-
She said my friends are so caring and all that . (Vienna)
And that I should be happy to have such friends .
I realise I was not the only one . But anyway, apparently,
her case was different . How different? No clue .
She had tuition at 5pm . But I left at 5.30pm .
I was entertaining myself by watching pucca . I was
hoping that it'd cheer me up . Considering the hyperness
I went through with her and her dog, coco .
It wasn't much of help, but I guess, it was kinda cute .
I then came home, all tired and legs wobbly .
My sister was walking around the house, don't know what
she was doing, Orlie was welcoming me home - the usual -
as well as sniffing me all over as she realised that I touched
coco . Yesyes, I know I know, jealousy . Common .
In the human nature .
I put down my bag that made a 'boom!' sound .
There was silence within that TWO seconds .
Then everything went back to normal .
I ate one siew mai that was on the table . Then I walked to my
room and pressed the 'on' symbol on the laptop .
I walked out of my room and played the piano .
My head was still filled with all the confusion and everything .
I may have had fun and joy earlier on . But it was just a
painkiller for me . To drag me away from my sorrows .
I stopped playing when I realised that Orlie was sitting
- or lying down rather - beside me, so closely .
If only I could have just two types of living things in the world
to myself, just me and me alone . God and Orlie .
I don't wanna take - or go through - this pain . Friendship .
I called Jelene earlier on to chat with her about it .
She was pretty much my counsellor lately, more of it than
a classmate or a good friend . Well, I can say that she was a
pretty good 'good friend' . Just that I see her as my counsellor,
so it's all different .
And then I stared at my computer after putting down the phone .
I surfed websites, went to eat my dinner and come back .
Only to see seven messages and a miss call .
2 different from all . 5 identical msgs . All from zoeyy .
I later found out that she replied me too .
As I read eveything, received a phone call from her with me
picking up, she said those words and assured my anxious heart .
'I'm alright.' Just these two words, with the tone I've been longing
for a very, very long time .
Everything was alright .
I feel as if like I'm in a nightmare, a really, really, bad one .
So bad, to the extent that I cannot open my eyes .
Surely my senses are not failing me .
I can feel it . I can feel that she's angry with me .
I feel that my whole life's corrupting .
I see depression in her eyes, I don't know what to do .
GOD, HELP ME );
Woke up 3-4 seconds before my alarm at 5.57am .
I couldn't sleep anymore, even though I slept at 12am+
the day before . I hear the door knock,
and suddenly, a light shone quite brightly on my face .
I opened my eyes to see a blur figure at the door,
that pretty much faded off in less than 2 seconds .
I rubbed my eyes and stretched .
I changed and got out of my room with Orlie walking ahead
of me . Combed my hair, tied it up, and headed to the toilet .
I already had the feeling that it was going to be a moody day .
Okay, maybe not that moody though .
I fed Orlie and went out with my mum and she fetched me
to school .
As I got out of the car, my feet, dragging on the pathway,
my face all pale - as usual, in the morning - as I walk to the
gate . I greeted the teachers, but not response . I continued
shuffling my feet to the tapping area thingy for attendance .
Once I tapped my attendance, I realised I was walking even
slower .
What was I doing? Having a dreadful morning when nothing
bad even came my way? What the heck?
Walking up the staircase . Readily for school .
I entered the class and threw my bag on the floor, I sat on my
seat and stared blankly in the air . It was moments before
I adjusted my socks (to pull it lower) .
I took out the things I needed for lessons later .
I felt upset, for some reason, burdens weighed on my shoulders .
Vienna came up to me and passed me a note . I read it
after assembly, after PE .
After reading the note, I nearly broke down .
How come I've seen two people siding her already, and
none on my side? What have a done wrong?? Where have I
gotten wrong??
I couldn't see it, my eyes were still blindfolded by a red cloth .
I held back my tears .
It was English . I thought we were all late, but he was late himself .
I couldn't get my mind off the matter . What did it mean?
What did she mean by 'maybe you should apologise' ..?
I couldn't understand . My mind was in a swirl . Confusion .
Mr Ng thought zoeyy - who sat behind me for today - was daydreaming .
He caught my attention, even though he didn't notice .
It was recess later on . I have not done chemistry yet .
The worksheet is really KILLING me . I don't know a lot of
questions . But I'm pretty sure that some were 'indicators and pH'
which we have not learnt yet .
When I was done, zoeyy and I went tot he cafeteria and ate .
No one spoke . If we did, it was just a few, mere short sentences,
or words, rather .
I wanted to break down any minute .
Then came chinese . DREADED IT . TOTALLY . It was the
ORAL thing and I just couldn't stand THAT TEACH'S FACE . UGH .
At the end of her lesson, I handed in 'Lian bi' that was
last week's homework . To be handed in today .
Then was math . I don't dare to show it to my parents . I was
afraid they may scold me or something, I know it was careless .
I KNOW IT . And that it was poor time management .
But anyway, they wouldn't really care if I do not bring it up .
After maths, it was Chemistry . I ace-d it (the tests that she gave) .
Surprisingly, I was able to concentrate when chemistry is
concerned -___-"
Scored a 25/26 . That one mistake was because I kept thinking
that Fluorine was Fl and not F, which is, the correct one .
And so, I lost that one mark .
The previous test before that one was 22/25 . 88% .
I wanted to cry at that moment . There was sweets .
I just wanted to cry . I don't know why . I JUST WANTED TO CRY .
YES, CRY HARD LIKE A CRYBABY .
I felt like some useless piece of shit . God said he'd use me,
I allowed him to . But I don't see it . WHY???
After school ended, I followed Cheryl Tay - my ex-classmate,
who happened to pass by my class and asked someone for
someone or something - to the canteen to have lunch or something .
I went to the toilet . Not long later, she disappeared .
Great . Just when I thought things wouldn't get any worse .
I didn't eat my lunch . Well, I just ate my salmon bread
that my Mum prepared for me early in the morning before sending
me to school .
I waited for my neighbour to finish her lessons before I followed her
home to study, or rather, she help me with my 'Jian Bao' .
Everything changed after seeing her . My mood, my expression,
EVERYTHING .
I met her at the bus stop nearest school .
The moment I got there, bus 53 arrived .
And so, we got up the bus . It was rather empty, and we got
seats . So we sat down . We talked awhile, nothing much .
Then we got off . And she started getting all hyper .
And I thought to myself, 'I'm not going to spoil her mood,
I'm not going to spoil her mood, NOT today!'
Then I tried to act .
While I was in her house, and she helped me with my
chinese homework, - she was doing chemistry too - she saw
the note in my block file . She asked me if I could read it .
Then when I said no, she said, "You know, my friend also
like you like that, whenever she got letter, I ask her to let me
see, she say no . But in the end, I oso see ."
Then I just let her see it -.-
She said my friends are so caring and all that . (Vienna)
And that I should be happy to have such friends .
I realise I was not the only one . But anyway, apparently,
her case was different . How different? No clue .
She had tuition at 5pm . But I left at 5.30pm .
I was entertaining myself by watching pucca . I was
hoping that it'd cheer me up . Considering the hyperness
I went through with her and her dog, coco .
It wasn't much of help, but I guess, it was kinda cute .
I then came home, all tired and legs wobbly .
My sister was walking around the house, don't know what
she was doing, Orlie was welcoming me home - the usual -
as well as sniffing me all over as she realised that I touched
coco . Yesyes, I know I know, jealousy . Common .
In the human nature .
I put down my bag that made a 'boom!' sound .
There was silence within that TWO seconds .
Then everything went back to normal .
I ate one siew mai that was on the table . Then I walked to my
room and pressed the 'on' symbol on the laptop .
I walked out of my room and played the piano .
My head was still filled with all the confusion and everything .
I may have had fun and joy earlier on . But it was just a
painkiller for me . To drag me away from my sorrows .
I stopped playing when I realised that Orlie was sitting
- or lying down rather - beside me, so closely .
If only I could have just two types of living things in the world
to myself, just me and me alone . God and Orlie .
I don't wanna take - or go through - this pain . Friendship .
I called Jelene earlier on to chat with her about it .
She was pretty much my counsellor lately, more of it than
a classmate or a good friend . Well, I can say that she was a
pretty good 'good friend' . Just that I see her as my counsellor,
so it's all different .
And then I stared at my computer after putting down the phone .
I surfed websites, went to eat my dinner and come back .
Only to see seven messages and a miss call .
2 different from all . 5 identical msgs . All from zoeyy .
I later found out that she replied me too .
As I read eveything, received a phone call from her with me
picking up, she said those words and assured my anxious heart .
'I'm alright.' Just these two words, with the tone I've been longing
for a very, very long time .
Everything was alright .
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