He calmed me with songs

Never did I get such a wonderful .. well, "present" I must say (:

I've always thought that small acts were insignificant . not very important you know . You see, I've always felt left out in things . In groups of friends, when assigned tasks ... well, mostly friends . Or even like, probably if I'm not in school, three quarter of the class did not even know, well, at least Nicole Mok didn't . I know many didn't . I'm not trying to say that I wanna be "popular", whatsoever . NO, in fact, well, I don't know, but I feel that whenever I feel left out and life just goes on as per normal, I apply it to other things . well, for instance, someone in a team, cheerleading for instance . If someone's not there, how can the pyramid form?

When something is left out, when one is affected, it affects the whole . Heard of that saying? Yeah . Well, to me, I grew up in a sense that .. well .. it doesn't affect the whole . Just the person being left out - yes, it's very selfish, but I've changed 'cos I know that now .

I realised that people around me DO care when I don't come to school . I realised that they don't feel happy when I'm not around .. they feel.. well, bored .. Yeah, I was kinda happy when I know about that . WELL, AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT TOTALLY IGNORED . At least if I was in school, at least God wouldn't ignore me (:

neither would my family and orlie -.-

moving on ..

What I just wanna share today is .. hmm.. about.. yeah, u read the title . God actually calmed me down .. when I was really anxious . To the extend that whenever I play maple, I think of how to play in front of my teacher tomorrow so as to be perfect and everything and that I won't hear the same.. expected words . And that my heart beats faster and faster whenever I don't know what to do at one point of the song, and the word "DOOMED" appears in my head . That's right . DOOOMEDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

I was so frightened. I didn't want to play anymore - even if it was just 5% to level and that I still had time to level up . I DIDN'T CARE! My brain was just focused on "..play till he say it's okay . play till he say it's okay . play till he say it's okay.." I was completely insane . I kinda thought that when I thought like that, the anxious way, I was just being like my MUM . And well, last time, while I still had not matured yet, I HATED my mum . I did not understand why things was always done her way, always done the "right" way . I thought everything was stupid . I thought I had a screwed up life . and everything around me just did not get what I'm trying to say ..

Well, besides the point . My mum always think fast . And because - probably - she's getting old, she says out the things that she is going to do . and plans a list out, rushing here and there, IN THE FREAKIN HOUSE MAN . Then my sis saw her so frantic like that . My sister practically told my mum, "Mummy, shut up .... Sit down" And surprisingly, my mum did as she was told - by her daughter, my sister . Then she took in deep breaths .

I then recalled that incident .

I remembered not to follow my mum's footsteps even though I know that the more I avoid it, the more I .. become to be like it . And so.. I took deep breaths . Reeaaal deep .

I nearly let our a tear . I was so.. so.. afraid . Well, that's just the "consequence" of being a precisionist, I guess . Then I just moved on .

Well, I did not know what got into me . But in my head, there was nothing but buzzes and more buzzes of tasks on what to do. Then I remembered hearing myself say, "Lord, if only there's a pill . A pill or a medicine that can cure my anxiousness . Just to take it away ." I'm not even SURE if it was a prayer . But I hoped it was one .

I started to get real busy . I was waiting for the ship to arrive to go to ludi (maple) then I went to bathe . Then when I got back, it said to wait for another 5 minutes as the ship was about to takeoff . Then I rushed to the kitchen to hang the clothes . Then while hanging halfway, I ran back to the computer, same message . oh man . All wrong timing de -.-"

Then I told my sis to keep on the lookout and help me to click when the ship arrives . Meanwhile, I hang the clothes . Then afterwards, I moved on to folding the clothes, then my mum came home . OH danggit ....... hope she doesn't start to nag and nag ... Fortunately, she didn't . And so, I ran back to the computer with the clothes not fully folded - yet .

I played awhile before I turned it off . Man.. I was still so freakin scared . But I told myself that I just have to take one step at a time . slowly . just slowly . go through the lesson first . the test lesson's tomorrow . tomorrow can wait . not the lesson . just GO. THROUGH. THE. LESSON. FIRST.

And so on my way there, quite upset that I was still anxious .. Now even more anxious 'cos I'd be so afraid if my teacher CAME . And what's more, was that his office was right next to my lesson's room . (FYI, current teacher that I'm talking about is THUM.) I was so scared that u know, he might - anytime - open the door and comment on my playing . UGH . I can't believe I was even THINKING about that . That never happened before!!!

I was getting in the car . Still so afraid, still frantically replying all the messages I ignored for the past few hours . or minutes . Then when my mum started the engine, I heard the music . I heard THE music . I may not remember the lyrics in full detail, but one thing for sure that I remembered.. I remembered it's meaning . It was that God was there . God has always and will be there .

Then I felt that my heart skipped a beat . WTH was I even thinking?? Why had all this crazy nonsense cause me to feel like I'm pressurized to choose something that matters of life and death?? WHY?? What the HECK what I thinking??

As the song played on and on, I started to stop thinking .. about EVERYTHING . Then I picked up my bag as it was nearing the place that my mum needed to drop me off . Since it was traffic jam, I got out of the car and walked quickly to ARTS(name of guzheng training center.. er ...) . I saw Yingjia . But apparently, she was looking at her phone . Oh well, never mind . I shall just RUSH BECAUSE I'M LATE?!

Then the sentence that my mum said that Sam told her about my teacher (who teaches me during the lesson) popped up in my head, "..she doesn't like late students .. " I felt like I almost tripped . But I got balanced when I reached the door .

I heard T.TEACH's (thum) voice coming out from the office . My body shivered . Then I passed the training fee to Sam, signed my attendance and hurried to the room .

Well, of course, I then had my lesson and all .

During the lesson, I gave a thought on what happened back there - in the car . Upon hearing the song, I actually tried to NOT listen to it, somehow . Because I felt confused . somewhat . I did not know what to do . I was so .. just .. my mind just went BLANK for a second after cupping my ears . Trying not to draw my mum's attention, I tried to act natural . I TRIED .

After slowly letting my hands go, the peace of the song just flowed in like water and I finally realised something ..

This one of the greatest gift I can say endless thank you's to Him .

~~~~~~

Why resist something, something that God is helping me to get rid of the bad thing in me??

I need not do anything ..

But just let him steer my wheel of life .

CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .