Decisions
It's easy to say
Difficult to do
Tough to think
Tougher to go through
As time passes
by each minute
All the witnesses
Observe ur every move
People move around you
But you stood still
quiet and silent outside
loud and crazy inside
no time to chill
Make it real
Make it last
Make it awesome
Make it fast .
There are many decisions in life that are hard to make ..
Especially friendship . I've thought it through, initially, I did not want
to make it public. But since this is my blog, well, I can do whatever with
it . There's this friend .. I've been sticking to this.. "entire" year . I do
not wish to say the name due to the current situation right now .
Firstly, before I carry on, I must say, though I'm making this public
now, I have certain "rules" to this very post . There are many things I
wanna say, but maybe it's just best to keep it a secret .
I know, I've "killed" her in a way and she still probably hates me .
One of the best friends I've ever had . Though she said that the post
was not offending, it was one of the most hurting, most piercing
experiences I've ever had, other than the time I, out of anger, vented
my anger on my sister . That was just.. not as bad. or maybe, not fresh
anymore that's why .......
I'll just started of with the happy memories then ..
When I first met her .. well, again, in sec 1, we didn't talk like friends
when we were P3/P4 (we were in the same class sitting next to each
other) . Then when I was sec 2 (still am), in the beginning of the year,
she and I became friends again . Then, best friends . We went to each
other's houses, I still remembered, she cared so much about her looks,
she always brought a mirror to school everyday . Everyday, without
fail, she would ask, "Is my hair okay?" And then the same, or rather,
most of the time, it will always be the same, "Yes, it is" would be my
reply . Whenever I went to her grandmother's house, she and I would
go high and have a lot of fun ..
But then came the problem . GUYS . Yes, I know, what type of girl
from a girls' school, that stayed quiet in YE a lot of times, most of the
times, WOULD talk about this . I took every bit of courage to say this,
I would beg you to NOT judge it .
When I played maple, I got in close touch with my guild members;
Carissa, Hian Wee, Vonn . These three main people . Actually, there's
also one more person, but actually, I just didn't really care who that
person was; Duane . Then, Hian, the leader of the guild, started to
date Vonn and everybody knew that Vonn only accept because she was
after his money. Oh yah, he's a rich kid alright . But after some time,
everyone got used to the couple in the guild and started to accept their
relationship and get used to it .
Now, Duane was next . I started to know him more through my guild
leader, Hian (Everyone calls him that now). Then two weeks after I
knew him, I made a friend and her name is called zoey . They two
started to get closer than me, even though zoey said I was still closer
to him . But in actual fact, if someone keeps smsing another person so
many times - rather than the other someone smsing a few times, like
barely 7 sms (maybe?) in a day to him - it's quite obvious this someone
likes and would want to get close to him right? Besides, if he
communicates with her through sms too, this shows he doesn't mind .
Now, then when she was preoccupied with him, I was still smsing
my ex . Then she came to know him too . Then they both started to
sms (my ex and her) . And so she started to sms my ex and duane .
Somehow, I became jealous when she smsed my ex . Here, was
when the problems started . Whenever I got jealous, I disliked her .
But it was just a few moments . The longest was a day .
Never mind, putting that aside, she fell in love with Duane . Or so
she thought . She went crazy and obssessed with him . But still,
along the way, she got confused and she did not know if it was really
love or just a crazy crush . But anyways, she stayed close to him .
Despite the fact that she actually smses him a lot in a day, Duane
has a girlfriend . Or rather, his to-be-girlfriend . She was his
Godsister . Then when his godsister became his official girlfriend,
her heart deeply shattered into pieces . She couldn't help it but cry .
Then I help her . Along the way, there were many problems with
the three of them . When she still smses duane, godsister would see
and get jealous . Then, she always came to me and tell me everything .
Or so I thought .
Problems arised even more after the problems between duane,
godsis and her were partially solved . I started to feel very,
very uncomfortable with her . It's like she stepped into my private life .
into my comfort zone . And I was not okay with that .
Feeling uncomfortable, having the mood swings and the disorder
of .. well, emotions that I had, I certainly could NOT handle this by
myself . And so I turned to God . I asked him for days and nights .
I prayed about zoey and well, I may not remember it, but I know that
He helped . Yes, I cried a few times while I prayed . Well, I was really
desperate for the problem to be resolved .
And so, maybe she couldn't understand or of some sort,
she misunderstood my words . I wouldn't blame her for it . Even though
it was stated very clearly in her blog . I wouldn't blame my sister for it .
"I like to help people .." was part of my reasons in explaining to her
about certain problems . Well, I really do like to help . But I only help .
I can't manage a long-term friendship . I just don't feel right and I don't
like it . I'm weird I know. But well, probably adapted from last time,
when we all changed classes and did not have a strong friendship with
one another . Well, probably I was one of the very few that, because
of those incidents, I'd probably adapted to the fact that friends are only
for a few months . and nothing else .
But now, after having this friendship with her, I've partially understood
many things in friendship .
Now, for the problems, sometimes I go to my mother, because she is
taking up psychology lessons and she is aiming for a diploma . So I may
just get some useful advice from her . And so, after telling the solution
to zoey, I told her that the advice was from my mom, she was..
well, I could tell she didn't like it from her tone .
There's one small part that I would like to point out . For somewhat
reason, I feel that she is living a contradicting life and living in self-denial .
She is also always very conscious about her attire and well, she just
needs an image consultant . But she had, and always did, come to me .
And now you see, I'm not THAT kind of person . But it's okay . I still
can get help from God . But really, for the image thing, I have no clue .
There are many many problems that I still have, and I really had no
idea how to face it and solve it . I'm still waiting answers from God .
When I slowly molded her into a person somewhat filled with
don't-know-what (she can just define this herself) . I'd realised she was
coming to my situation in life . And I really did not want that to happen,
since she already had came that far, I decided to let go . I could no
longer help her as I've not come across the problems she faced .
Then I felt useless as a friend . Cos then, she went to duane more often .
It was also the period of time before I broke off the "best-friend"
friendship with her . It wasn't reasonable to break off a friendship,
but certainly, a best-friend friendship .
I encountered many problems, so did she . I started to turned around and walk away . She went to vienna . Back from where it started . Maybe God is telling me something you know, maybe he's telling me I should not do with it now . Then he returns her back to vienna where they both started off as friends . Only was it after they had a quarrel, I became close to her . I had realised that she needed help . Maybe I could be of some sort of help to her, maybe, for once, I can change someone's life . It's all a maybe . Yes, I had no definite answers as to which what would happen and what effect my help to her may be .
And so I tried . Through this, I've build up my confidence again . I tried to do this I hated . I crossed the friggin' road with no traffic light . I took that initiative again, even though this is jsut one of the many times I've tried . I took the step . But she showed me, all she showed me, was that there were so many things in her life that squeezed that little heart of mine . And then I backed out . I did not like the things the way it seemed . To me, since the both of them are back together again, she became positive, somewhat, and does not associate with me, I'm fine with that . After all, I'm probably just used to being a loner like I was in primary school . I'm totally cool and fine about it . Besides, my parents would probably be overjoyed as I wouldn't spend os much smses in a month .
And so, as you probably would already know, she hates me . She really really hates me . Despite the fact that I saw the last part of her latest post on 11 october, I immediately knew, she was deeply hurt and pissed and angry . But she acted nice . I really did not know how to help her any longer and I did not see the point of having this friendship going on anymore .
Then it happened .
Well, let's just see what happens in the near future . Well, I shan't complain and shan't judge anything . But even when she gets angry and she finds me the last person to talk to on Earth, I'll be there there waiting .. So help her whenever I should . Whenever I can . Even when she hates me to the core and she hates everything about me, well, through the many parables in the Bible, I've learnt that I should show compassion and just.. well, u know, not judge . Be kind . Do good . Continue to do so .. well, being nice . I had no problem with that .
Being only human, after seeing her blog, yeah, I was deeply hurt . Because not only she misunderstood everything I told her, through all my advices - that she knows, takes as "scolding" all the time - but she hated me .
Don't know if this was adding the effect, but the "SheSUCK" in my pm on msn didn't mean her . It meant my guzheng teacher . My new guzheng teacher . The older one left, the newer one made me change the exam piece 2 months before my exam . I had broken down many times, even after the stupid first lesson last week, I cried immediately after I got into the car and my mum drove me home .
Honestly, when all of this happened at the same time, I can say, even though, she may say that she suffered a lot, but now, NOW, I'M REALLY SAD BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS THE FRIENDSHIP KILLING ME, BUT NOW IT HAS AFFECTED MY MUSIC LIFE .
AND CAREER .
She may have things that she feel destroyed in her life . But when she has her problems that she feels affecting her life, at least it's not the most precious things she loved! Even though I know about her mother and her, and her whole family situation . What meant to her the most? MUSIC? BOYS? FAMILY? GOD? MOTHER? FATHER? I don't know . Everything in her life, when partially affected, she is always very upset .
That is what I found out . And the main reason why I realised I can no longer help .
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
It's easy to say
Difficult to do
Tough to think
Tougher to go through
As time passes
by each minute
All the witnesses
Observe ur every move
People move around you
But you stood still
quiet and silent outside
loud and crazy inside
no time to chill
Make it real
Make it last
Make it awesome
Make it fast .
There are many decisions in life that are hard to make ..
Especially friendship . I've thought it through, initially, I did not want
to make it public. But since this is my blog, well, I can do whatever with
it . There's this friend .. I've been sticking to this.. "entire" year . I do
not wish to say the name due to the current situation right now .
Firstly, before I carry on, I must say, though I'm making this public
now, I have certain "rules" to this very post . There are many things I
wanna say, but maybe it's just best to keep it a secret .
I know, I've "killed" her in a way and she still probably hates me .
One of the best friends I've ever had . Though she said that the post
was not offending, it was one of the most hurting, most piercing
experiences I've ever had, other than the time I, out of anger, vented
my anger on my sister . That was just.. not as bad. or maybe, not fresh
anymore that's why .......
I'll just started of with the happy memories then ..
When I first met her .. well, again, in sec 1, we didn't talk like friends
when we were P3/P4 (we were in the same class sitting next to each
other) . Then when I was sec 2 (still am), in the beginning of the year,
she and I became friends again . Then, best friends . We went to each
other's houses, I still remembered, she cared so much about her looks,
she always brought a mirror to school everyday . Everyday, without
fail, she would ask, "Is my hair okay?" And then the same, or rather,
most of the time, it will always be the same, "Yes, it is" would be my
reply . Whenever I went to her grandmother's house, she and I would
go high and have a lot of fun ..
But then came the problem . GUYS . Yes, I know, what type of girl
from a girls' school, that stayed quiet in YE a lot of times, most of the
times, WOULD talk about this . I took every bit of courage to say this,
I would beg you to NOT judge it .
When I played maple, I got in close touch with my guild members;
Carissa, Hian Wee, Vonn . These three main people . Actually, there's
also one more person, but actually, I just didn't really care who that
person was; Duane . Then, Hian, the leader of the guild, started to
date Vonn and everybody knew that Vonn only accept because she was
after his money. Oh yah, he's a rich kid alright . But after some time,
everyone got used to the couple in the guild and started to accept their
relationship and get used to it .
Now, Duane was next . I started to know him more through my guild
leader, Hian (Everyone calls him that now). Then two weeks after I
knew him, I made a friend and her name is called zoey . They two
started to get closer than me, even though zoey said I was still closer
to him . But in actual fact, if someone keeps smsing another person so
many times - rather than the other someone smsing a few times, like
barely 7 sms (maybe?) in a day to him - it's quite obvious this someone
likes and would want to get close to him right? Besides, if he
communicates with her through sms too, this shows he doesn't mind .
Now, then when she was preoccupied with him, I was still smsing
my ex . Then she came to know him too . Then they both started to
sms (my ex and her) . And so she started to sms my ex and duane .
Somehow, I became jealous when she smsed my ex . Here, was
when the problems started . Whenever I got jealous, I disliked her .
But it was just a few moments . The longest was a day .
Never mind, putting that aside, she fell in love with Duane . Or so
she thought . She went crazy and obssessed with him . But still,
along the way, she got confused and she did not know if it was really
love or just a crazy crush . But anyways, she stayed close to him .
Despite the fact that she actually smses him a lot in a day, Duane
has a girlfriend . Or rather, his to-be-girlfriend . She was his
Godsister . Then when his godsister became his official girlfriend,
her heart deeply shattered into pieces . She couldn't help it but cry .
Then I help her . Along the way, there were many problems with
the three of them . When she still smses duane, godsister would see
and get jealous . Then, she always came to me and tell me everything .
Or so I thought .
Problems arised even more after the problems between duane,
godsis and her were partially solved . I started to feel very,
very uncomfortable with her . It's like she stepped into my private life .
into my comfort zone . And I was not okay with that .
Feeling uncomfortable, having the mood swings and the disorder
of .. well, emotions that I had, I certainly could NOT handle this by
myself . And so I turned to God . I asked him for days and nights .
I prayed about zoey and well, I may not remember it, but I know that
He helped . Yes, I cried a few times while I prayed . Well, I was really
desperate for the problem to be resolved .
And so, maybe she couldn't understand or of some sort,
she misunderstood my words . I wouldn't blame her for it . Even though
it was stated very clearly in her blog . I wouldn't blame my sister for it .
"I like to help people .." was part of my reasons in explaining to her
about certain problems . Well, I really do like to help . But I only help .
I can't manage a long-term friendship . I just don't feel right and I don't
like it . I'm weird I know. But well, probably adapted from last time,
when we all changed classes and did not have a strong friendship with
one another . Well, probably I was one of the very few that, because
of those incidents, I'd probably adapted to the fact that friends are only
for a few months . and nothing else .
But now, after having this friendship with her, I've partially understood
many things in friendship .
Now, for the problems, sometimes I go to my mother, because she is
taking up psychology lessons and she is aiming for a diploma . So I may
just get some useful advice from her . And so, after telling the solution
to zoey, I told her that the advice was from my mom, she was..
well, I could tell she didn't like it from her tone .
There's one small part that I would like to point out . For somewhat
reason, I feel that she is living a contradicting life and living in self-denial .
She is also always very conscious about her attire and well, she just
needs an image consultant . But she had, and always did, come to me .
And now you see, I'm not THAT kind of person . But it's okay . I still
can get help from God . But really, for the image thing, I have no clue .
There are many many problems that I still have, and I really had no
idea how to face it and solve it . I'm still waiting answers from God .
When I slowly molded her into a person somewhat filled with
don't-know-what (she can just define this herself) . I'd realised she was
coming to my situation in life . And I really did not want that to happen,
since she already had came that far, I decided to let go . I could no
longer help her as I've not come across the problems she faced .
Then I felt useless as a friend . Cos then, she went to duane more often .
It was also the period of time before I broke off the "best-friend"
friendship with her . It wasn't reasonable to break off a friendship,
but certainly, a best-friend friendship .
I encountered many problems, so did she . I started to turned around and walk away . She went to vienna . Back from where it started . Maybe God is telling me something you know, maybe he's telling me I should not do with it now . Then he returns her back to vienna where they both started off as friends . Only was it after they had a quarrel, I became close to her . I had realised that she needed help . Maybe I could be of some sort of help to her, maybe, for once, I can change someone's life . It's all a maybe . Yes, I had no definite answers as to which what would happen and what effect my help to her may be .
And so I tried . Through this, I've build up my confidence again . I tried to do this I hated . I crossed the friggin' road with no traffic light . I took that initiative again, even though this is jsut one of the many times I've tried . I took the step . But she showed me, all she showed me, was that there were so many things in her life that squeezed that little heart of mine . And then I backed out . I did not like the things the way it seemed . To me, since the both of them are back together again, she became positive, somewhat, and does not associate with me, I'm fine with that . After all, I'm probably just used to being a loner like I was in primary school . I'm totally cool and fine about it . Besides, my parents would probably be overjoyed as I wouldn't spend os much smses in a month .
And so, as you probably would already know, she hates me . She really really hates me . Despite the fact that I saw the last part of her latest post on 11 october, I immediately knew, she was deeply hurt and pissed and angry . But she acted nice . I really did not know how to help her any longer and I did not see the point of having this friendship going on anymore .
Then it happened .
Well, let's just see what happens in the near future . Well, I shan't complain and shan't judge anything . But even when she gets angry and she finds me the last person to talk to on Earth, I'll be there there waiting .. So help her whenever I should . Whenever I can . Even when she hates me to the core and she hates everything about me, well, through the many parables in the Bible, I've learnt that I should show compassion and just.. well, u know, not judge . Be kind . Do good . Continue to do so .. well, being nice . I had no problem with that .
Being only human, after seeing her blog, yeah, I was deeply hurt . Because not only she misunderstood everything I told her, through all my advices - that she knows, takes as "scolding" all the time - but she hated me .
Don't know if this was adding the effect, but the "SheSUCK" in my pm on msn didn't mean her . It meant my guzheng teacher . My new guzheng teacher . The older one left, the newer one made me change the exam piece 2 months before my exam . I had broken down many times, even after the stupid first lesson last week, I cried immediately after I got into the car and my mum drove me home .
Honestly, when all of this happened at the same time, I can say, even though, she may say that she suffered a lot, but now, NOW, I'M REALLY SAD BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS THE FRIENDSHIP KILLING ME, BUT NOW IT HAS AFFECTED MY MUSIC LIFE .
AND CAREER .
She may have things that she feel destroyed in her life . But when she has her problems that she feels affecting her life, at least it's not the most precious things she loved! Even though I know about her mother and her, and her whole family situation . What meant to her the most? MUSIC? BOYS? FAMILY? GOD? MOTHER? FATHER? I don't know . Everything in her life, when partially affected, she is always very upset .
That is what I found out . And the main reason why I realised I can no longer help .
CHECKMATE! drAmAQUEEN .
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