The last few episodes of I BELIEVE YOU
The sky is so orangey ..
It is turning dark soon,
I'm feeling so gloomy .
No longer filled with much hatred as yesterday,
a relief .
Back to story .
Chapter 17
I washed my
tears at the sink. I did not dare to look at the mirror, for I
knew in the reflection stood a murderer.
Jacky is dying.
I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to?
I had only grandmother to talk to now, but I did not feel it
appropriate to talk to her about this.
In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went
back to the ward. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book
“Destiny’s Cries” on his hand. “Nice book, isn’t it?”
I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had
done. My curses always come true, isn’t that the case?
Always…
“Look at you. You’ve cried so much that your eyes are like
tomatoes. Come; let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?”
Which day was he referring to? He acted as if I could remember
every day.
“You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and
you didn’t laugh?”
Oh. That day.
“You weren’t listening to me that day, right? Okay, I’m going
to do an encore of it. You remain seated.” He pushed his
blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in
my eyes. Then he stood on the bed. I could see his legs
shaking, not sure because of his fear or his cancerous cells.
“What the-” I pushed my chair away. “Come down! What are you
doing? It’s dangerous!”
“Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I’ll keep on standing
here till you sit down. Now, I’m going to repeat my
performance on 27th March 2001!”
I sank into my seat. He still remembers the exact date?
Gosh. He’s… amazing.
“There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it
died.”
I could not believe he was doing all these. The joke was funny
– in fact, very funny – but I was in no mood to laugh. Before
I could say anything, he cut in again.
He pointed at me and said, “That girl didn’t laugh.” Then he
jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised the pitch of
his voice. “Which girl?” Again he jumped a step and said in
his normal voice, “That girl with the glasses and long hair.”
In a high pitched voice: “You mean the girl with tied up
hair?” His voice: “Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!”
High pitched: “Joanna! You didn’t laugh?”
Finally he jumped one more step and clapped his hand. He
seemed to be more active now, but he was panting softly. He
darted his eyes onto mine, and this time, he said very softly,
“Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at
my joke? I beg you.”
I lay back on my seat and started shaking with uncontrollable
laughter. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we
had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly I could smell the
scent of that very day: The laughter of my classmates, my
anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I
“laughed” sarcastically. It all came back like a bolt of
lightning.
Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly, and slowly, lay back
on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead.
“You laughed.” He said. “You laughed. That’s nice. It’s been
so long since I hear you laughing. Can you do me a favour?”
Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next. Still,
I asked, “What?”
“Laugh more often.”
“I want you to hear my laughter.” I proclaimed. I was shaking
my head, biting my teeth. That bastard. If he survives, I’m
willing to do even a hundred favours for him. “Just…
survive.”
“Alright, I promise. You promise as well, okay?” he whipped
out his last finger.
I crossed my last finger with his. “I promise.”
You silly boy, just survive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I
had predicted, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for
my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his
voice.
“Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice.” He held out his
hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple.
I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I
tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the
mist of the chat, I still blurted it accidentally.
“It’s an easy operation.” He told me, his face beaming with
confidence. “They’d just open up my skull, pull out the rock
and sew my head back.”
I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped
him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. “Can you take
out the watch?” His hand was shaking. Gosh oh gosh, I
suddenly remembered what the doctor once said.
“He’s slowly losing his ability to co-ordinate his muscle
movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just
don’t let him do strenuous movements.”
I held the watch in my hand. It was the watch that he had
given me for my birthday, the watch that I had thrown away
in anger. Yet it still looked so new, as if it had just been
cleaned.
“I really needed to pee that day. That’s why I ran off in
such a hurry. I wasn’t embarrassed!”
"Okay, I believe you.”
“And er… remember the twenty bucks that I owe you?”
“Twenty bucks?”
“Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my
wallet is-”
“Can you return it to me after your surgery?” I interrupted.
“Please.”
He shrugged, laughing. “Okay. Gosh, I’ll wake up with a
large load of debts.”
“Just one.”
“I also promised my mother that I’ll return her with a
lifetime of love after I’ve wake up.”
“Oh.”
Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after
you’ve wake up?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone
once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount
of time passed, but by your mind.
I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could
not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour’s
time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he
was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced
combination of sweet and sour.
Jacky smiled, as if he was reading my mind. His face was an
obvious victim of cancer: His bright and round eyes had
veins snaking around. He must have lost at least three
kilograms within this week.
“One more hour.” He whispered. Or maybe he was shouting.
That was his loudest voice.
“One more hour.” I replied.
And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about
anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I
thanked him for bringing my grandmother back into my life.
“I didn’t do much. She was always beside you. You just
didn’t notice her till now.”
As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, “Can I
hold your hand?”
I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand
automatically reached for him. And then we locked our hands.
“Wait for me, okay?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be back. So don’t you run off! I’m still the sun,
shining on you, the flower. I’ll be back once the cloud
moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?””
I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A
nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to yell
unlimited curses at the nurse. But I stopped myself and
turned to Jacky.
“Hello, you’d better come back. Even if you’re in hell or
heaven, or any other place, you’d better come back here.
Because I’ll…” I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a
breather, and said, “I’ll be here, waiting for you.”
He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It
was his last finger, intimating me to shake it. I held out
my last finger as well and we locked finger, shaking up and
down.
“I promise.”
“I promise too.”
And as he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in
my life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 18
I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.
I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.
The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.
Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.
Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.
“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.
Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.
Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?
Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.
Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.
God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.
“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”
Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.
“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.
I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…
He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.
Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!
I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.
“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.
I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.
I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.
Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.
I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”
No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.
I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.
“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”
Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.
When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.
The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.
I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull
The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.
The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.
“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”
The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.
He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.
Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.
Is this how death looks like?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.
There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”
A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.
I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”
There was no response from the audience.
“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”
I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.
“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.
“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’
He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”
I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.
“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”
I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 19
The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother’s leg. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of ‘super’ vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.
I got her signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky’s mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.
I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.
“Joanna.” She started and I wondered how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrated on her. “This is from Jacky.” She passed me a white envelope. “He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter.”
I felt the letter within my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.
“He’s still showing no response. It’s over. If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”
I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.
“If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”
Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched his head then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?
Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?
My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope gently.
Was this guy Jacky?
Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted to oblivion.
Dear Joanna,
As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness can I fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.
Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: No, I don’t love you.
I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: “In love, either you love, or you don’t.”
It was when I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, “In love, either you love or you don’t.”
In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.
My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.
If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just wanted to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.
Just wait for me if I’m in a coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll still be having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.
Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.
Jacky Wu
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.
Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.
Where’re the promises you made to me?
If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to re-live my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and second with you. Every single moment with you.
But it was too late. All too late.
I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night’s sleep.
The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.
“Hey, hello!”
I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.
“Hello!”
He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.
“Hello to Joanna!”
Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.
“Hello. Where’s my peeled apple?”
The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 20
I stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. This is another dream, isn’t it? The images are so clear: I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky had just opened his eyes.
I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.
“Talk to me.” I said, my voice a bit dry.
“Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna.” His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. “Where’s my peeled apple?”
I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.
“You idiot.” I whispered, toying with his fingers. “You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you know, huh? Why don’t you just go to hell?”
Jacky laughed weakly. “I choose my dates carefully.”
“You sure do.”
“Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, When I was in Secondary Three-”
“Not funny.” I cut in.
“In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I first saw my grandmother’s photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky’s hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just stared, and stared, and stared.
My grandmother had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realised she was smiling but her eyes were closed.
When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause of her death is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.
“You’re a strong girl.” Jacky said to me.
There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.
“Come on, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you.” Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. “Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma.”
I nodded.
“Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There’re no other excuses.”
My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old lady near my void deck.
“Your grandmother was the old lady.”
Now I really felt like crying. Firstly, my grandmother became my chat mate. Then she became my advisor. And now I discovered she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.
Ironically, Jacky had brought me my grandmother and my grandmother had brought me Jacky.
“Now, look here.” Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given me the advice of love as well.
“What the…”
The old man was staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.
“Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There’re so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
END OF POST {:
The sky is so orangey ..
It is turning dark soon,
I'm feeling so gloomy .
No longer filled with much hatred as yesterday,
a relief .
Back to story .
Chapter 17
I washed my
tears at the sink. I did not dare to look at the mirror, for I
knew in the reflection stood a murderer.
Jacky is dying.
I suddenly wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to?
I had only grandmother to talk to now, but I did not feel it
appropriate to talk to her about this.
In the end, with my eyes still swollen from the crying, I went
back to the ward. Jacky smiled when he saw me, waving the book
“Destiny’s Cries” on his hand. “Nice book, isn’t it?”
I said nothing. I sat beside him, confused over what I had
done. My curses always come true, isn’t that the case?
Always…
“Look at you. You’ve cried so much that your eyes are like
tomatoes. Come; let me tell you a joke. Remember that day?”
Which day was he referring to? He acted as if I could remember
every day.
“You know, that day, when I went on stage and said a joke, and
you didn’t laugh?”
Oh. That day.
“You weren’t listening to me that day, right? Okay, I’m going
to do an encore of it. You remain seated.” He pushed his
blanket away. I was blinking fast, feeling an unusual pain in
my eyes. Then he stood on the bed. I could see his legs
shaking, not sure because of his fear or his cancerous cells.
“What the-” I pushed my chair away. “Come down! What are you
doing? It’s dangerous!”
“Miss Joanna Fung, sit down, if not, I’ll keep on standing
here till you sit down. Now, I’m going to repeat my
performance on 27th March 2001!”
I sank into my seat. He still remembers the exact date?
Gosh. He’s… amazing.
“There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it
died.”
I could not believe he was doing all these. The joke was funny
– in fact, very funny – but I was in no mood to laugh. Before
I could say anything, he cut in again.
He pointed at me and said, “That girl didn’t laugh.” Then he
jumped a step, lowered his eyebrows and raised the pitch of
his voice. “Which girl?” Again he jumped a step and said in
his normal voice, “That girl with the glasses and long hair.”
In a high pitched voice: “You mean the girl with tied up
hair?” His voice: “Yeah, that’s the one. She never laughs!”
High pitched: “Joanna! You didn’t laugh?”
Finally he jumped one more step and clapped his hand. He
seemed to be more active now, but he was panting softly. He
darted his eyes onto mine, and this time, he said very softly,
“Joanna, can you please wake up from your dreams and laugh at
my joke? I beg you.”
I lay back on my seat and started shaking with uncontrollable
laughter. He was replaying that day so brilliantly, as if we
had taken a trip back in time. Suddenly I could smell the
scent of that very day: The laughter of my classmates, my
anger when he pointed at me and the embarrassment when I
“laughed” sarcastically. It all came back like a bolt of
lightning.
Jacky seemed exhausted. He beamed weakly, and slowly, lay back
on the bed. Beads of sweat were escaping from his forehead.
“You laughed.” He said. “You laughed. That’s nice. It’s been
so long since I hear you laughing. Can you do me a favour?”
Actually, I knew exactly what he was going to say next. Still,
I asked, “What?”
“Laugh more often.”
“I want you to hear my laughter.” I proclaimed. I was shaking
my head, biting my teeth. That bastard. If he survives, I’m
willing to do even a hundred favours for him. “Just…
survive.”
“Alright, I promise. You promise as well, okay?” he whipped
out his last finger.
I crossed my last finger with his. “I promise.”
You silly boy, just survive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On Saturday, I went to the hospital early in the morning. As I
had predicted, Jacky was sleeping. So I peeled an apple for
my breakfast and before I could take a bite, I heard his
voice.
“Ah, an apple for breakfast. How nice.” He held out his
hand, as if waiting for me to pass him the apple.
I gave it to him. Soon after that, we started chatting. I
tried not to talk about the surgery, but somehow, in the
mist of the chat, I still blurted it accidentally.
“It’s an easy operation.” He told me, his face beaming with
confidence. “They’d just open up my skull, pull out the rock
and sew my head back.”
I said nothing and so he reached for the drawer. I helped
him open it and saw a familiar watch inside. “Can you take
out the watch?” His hand was shaking. Gosh oh gosh, I
suddenly remembered what the doctor once said.
“He’s slowly losing his ability to co-ordinate his muscle
movements due to the cancer cells in his cerebellum. Just
don’t let him do strenuous movements.”
I held the watch in my hand. It was the watch that he had
given me for my birthday, the watch that I had thrown away
in anger. Yet it still looked so new, as if it had just been
cleaned.
“I really needed to pee that day. That’s why I ran off in
such a hurry. I wasn’t embarrassed!”
"Okay, I believe you.”
“And er… remember the twenty bucks that I owe you?”
“Twenty bucks?”
“Yeah. That day when I needed a taxi to go home. Look, my
wallet is-”
“Can you return it to me after your surgery?” I interrupted.
“Please.”
He shrugged, laughing. “Okay. Gosh, I’ll wake up with a
large load of debts.”
“Just one.”
“I also promised my mother that I’ll return her with a
lifetime of love after I’ve wake up.”
“Oh.”
Can you also return me with a lifetime of love after
you’ve wake up?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone
once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount
of time passed, but by your mind.
I was sitting beside Jacky, peeling another apple. He could
not eat, for he would be undergoing the surgery in an hour’s
time. I took a bite out of my apple and understood why he
was so keen on eating these apples: The taste was a balanced
combination of sweet and sour.
Jacky smiled, as if he was reading my mind. His face was an
obvious victim of cancer: His bright and round eyes had
veins snaking around. He must have lost at least three
kilograms within this week.
“One more hour.” He whispered. Or maybe he was shouting.
That was his loudest voice.
“One more hour.” I replied.
And so, we spent the next thirty minutes chatting about
anything and everything. He told me about his mother, and I
thanked him for bringing my grandmother back into my life.
“I didn’t do much. She was always beside you. You just
didn’t notice her till now.”
As usual, he was that modest. Suddenly, he asked, “Can I
hold your hand?”
I blushed and did not reply. However, my right hand
automatically reached for him. And then we locked our hands.
“Wait for me, okay?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be back. So don’t you run off! I’m still the sun,
shining on you, the flower. I’ll be back once the cloud
moves away. Wait, just wait, okay?””
I turned my head to prevent him from seeing my teary eyes. A
nurse came in, and for that moment I wanted to yell
unlimited curses at the nurse. But I stopped myself and
turned to Jacky.
“Hello, you’d better come back. Even if you’re in hell or
heaven, or any other place, you’d better come back here.
Because I’ll…” I could not continue. I paused, gave myself a
breather, and said, “I’ll be here, waiting for you.”
He let go of my hand and used a finger to poke my hand. It
was his last finger, intimating me to shake it. I held out
my last finger as well and we locked finger, shaking up and
down.
“I promise.”
“I promise too.”
And as he was wheeled off, I experienced the longest wait in
my life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 18
I tried to kill time by counting my breaths, but it was the dumbest thing to do. I gave up after my hundredth breath.
I was waiting at the backstage, looking at plays staged by other classes. One of our buddy classes did very well, causing the entire audience to give a standing ovation at the end of their performance. I wondered if ours would cause such a stir.
The wait was finally over. The host announced my class’s name, and the curtain was drawn. AVA crew rushed onto the stage out of nowhere to position the microphones and other props to our desired positions. I was expecting the break to last for more than two minutes, but before I knew it, two AVA members pulled the curtain opened and a round of applause rang across the hall.
Johnny said something on the stage, and when I heard a loud “thump”, I took in a long breath and stepped onto the stage. A few people in the audience “oohed” and “aaheed”. I continued strolling forward until I was just in front of Johnny. His eyes were closed.
Slowly, I kneeled and held his head.
“I want Joanna to be Juliet. J for Joanna.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Everyone sat outside the operating theatre, just like the scenes from those melodramatic Channel 8 drama serials that always showed on TV at nine o’clock.
Jacky’s mother sat closest to the door. Our classmates were all close to a vending machine, and me, I was sitting furthest from the door. I had told them to leave me alone, for I knew now words could no longer calm my soul.
Memories of Jacky lingered in my mind. I imagined what would happen five hours from now: Would I be dancing with happiness, or would I be crying in depression?
Half an hour passed, but it felt like half a century. The lobby was so quiet and scary that nurses dared not walk pass us unless there was a real need to. I unleashed my pack of Marlboro – to the surprise of my classmates – and began to unwrap it. I did not smoke there, of course.
Another fifteen minutes passed. I clapped my hands together, for the past seventeen years, I had not believed in the man above us. Now, I closed my eyes and prayed.
God, if you’re up there, do me a favour. Just this favour, please.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The song played loudly in the background. Someone in the stage was singing along, but her voice sucked, compared to Trademark’s melodic voice. I stared at Johnny’s closed eyes.
“Wake up.” I whispered, my voice amplified by my microphone clipped on my collar. “Wake up, wake up, please. I beg you, just wake up. You made so many promises. So many. Don’t die on me, Romeo. Don’t leave me alone here! Please!”
Johnny had no response. He was, after all, a professional. I clicked my fingers, and the song played again. Beside me was a glass of chestnut juice that I had drank for more than fifty times during the rehearsals.
“Please stay with me. I love you. That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me, isn’t it? I love you…”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After an hour passed, I read the messages Jacky sent me again.
I’m sorry if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t you? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes… Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help… You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…
He said that there was a message coded in it. What message? I read it, again and again. It did not ring a bell until I wrote it down in a piece of paper.
Gosh. I dropped the phone and the pen. I dropped my head, and I nearly dropped on the floor myself. Now I knew what he was trying to say after all. It all made so much sense. So much sense!
I jumped up and dashed towards the door of the operating room. A few of my classmates caught me by my arms and shoulders. I continued to struggle towards the door, but they held me back.
“What’re you doing?!” they demanded.
I tried to keep their hands off me but their combined strength was too great for me. So I relaxed and went to my knees. Jacky’s mother was still holding on to a calm expression.
I looked at my watch, the watch that Jacky had given me. I kept my feelings in check and went back to my seat, clapping my hands together again.
Jacky, you’ll better wake up. I’ve decoded your message. Silly!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Come on, wake up. Everyone wants a happy ending. Wake up, wake up…” My face was now bathed with tears. I could hear a few soft sobs in the audience, followed by a few “wows”. My performance must have been very impressive.
I grabbed the cup of chestnut juice. “Poison…” I said, staring at it as if it would change colour. “Poison. What for I live if you’re not around? I live because of you. Now that you’re gone…” I recalled that I should add in some Singlish to inject humour into the play. So I said, “No use liao. I’ll die then!”
No one laughed. Instead, I heard more people crying.
I gulped down the chestnut water in one smooth feat. Soon after that, I was lying beside Johnny. A few seconds later, Johnny stirred, and slowly I felt him holding my head. I did not concentrate on what he said, for my part was already over. When he screamed, he lied onto my back and he song was played again.
“But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believeFor you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…”
Is there something only love can do? When everything fails, shall I turn to love?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I did not pick up my handphone nor did I pick up the piece of paper on the floor. I was rooted to my seat, and when I examined my hand, I realized I was shaking non-stop.
When my first teardrop splashed onto the piece of paper, I clutched my hand. At my tenth teardrop, the door opened, and almost everyone stood up except me. I dragged my head up slowly, and stared at the scene in front of me. This was the moment I had been waiting for, yet I suddenly did not feel like knowing the truth.
The doctor came out first. There were dark rings around his eyes, as if a victim of lack of sleep. As he talked to Jacky’s mother, he shook his head once. Then Jacky’s mother cupped her face with her hands, and the doctor tapped her shoulder softly.
I dropped my head backwards and felt a sharp pain on my skull
The doctor whispered something to her, and then pointed the ward. I was trying to read his lips but he was too fast. Jacky’s mother uncapped her face and stared at the doctor, then shook her head softly, mumbling something. A few minutes later, the doctor pointed to a nurse and walked off.
The nurse said something to Jacky’s mother. My classmates all crowded around, their expressions a fusion of fear. I ruffled my hair and snorted aloud.
“Jacky.” I whispered, so soft that I wondered if anything came out of my mouth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Jacky’s not only a classmate, not only a friend. He’s a role model, a leader’s leader, a mediator and the best person I’ve ever seen in my life.” Michael was saying. He put the piece of paper he had been reading into his breast pocket and continued. “I’ve only remember myself crying twice. Once was when I watched the movie Titanic. And the second time…”
The audience was so quiet that no one dared to cough. Michael finally squeezed a tear from his left eye, and he muttered softly into the mic, “This is the third time.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I saw Michael stepping back, plunging onto the nearest seat, I knew it was something really bad.
He enveloped his face with his large hands, and when he jerked a few times, I knew he was trying. I confirmed it when drops of water seeped down his wrist. Michael was crying. Jacky’s mother was crying as well. All my classmates started to cry as well.
Everyone was crying. I glanced at the piece of paper. Not only had it been dampened, the entire floor beneath me was a pool of tears.
Is this how death looks like?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“But.” Michael cut in. Most of the girls in the audience were crying, including those in other classes who did not know who Jacky was. “But Jacky once told me, boys shall not cry. We’re born with broader shoulders to let girls cry on our shoulder. So,” he wiped off his tears. Well, he failed. They kept on coming. “Let’s go with Jacky’s advice. This is for you, Jacky.” He smiled, and walked away from the mic.
There should have been two hosts, a boy and a girl. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. The boy went to the stage and announced, “Let’s welcome Jacky’s best friend, Joanna, to dedicate a message to Jacky.”
A round of weak applause greeted me. I stepped forward to the mic and adjusted it to my height. Then I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and stared at it. It was a page long, and I had spent two hours penning it.
I started to read it. “Jacky Wu Zhong Xian is a very-” I paused. Then I crushed the paper into a ball and dropped it. Looking at the audience with my earnest eyes, I said, “There was once a matchstick who scratched its head. Then it died.”
There was no response from the audience.
“That boy didn’t laugh.” I said, pointing to an empty space in the hall. “The guy with glasses and short hair. Yeah, that’s the one. He never laughs!”
I closed my eyes. It was too hard. I imagined myself in the audience, showing him an angry look. “Jacky,” I started, my eyes still closed. “Can you please… wake up from your dreams and laugh at my joke? I beg you.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was still immobilised by the shock when I heard a voice.
“You must be Joanna.” I looked up. It was the doctor. Upon a closer examination, I realised he could be less than forty-years-old. I nodded, waiting anxiously for what he was about to say.
“Before Mr. Wu went into the operating room, he said these to me: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a stupid rock in my head. Get it out, because I wanna marry a girl call Joanna Fung. Alright? I’ll invite you to our wedding. So you’ll better get this rock out in order to attend our wedding.”’
He paused, and then continued, “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”
I took in a deep long breath but I did not exhale. My hands were glued to the sides of the chair.
“Well, Joanna, I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest, or the most unlucky girl in the world.”
I cried, and I forgot when I stopped crying.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 19
The doorbell rang when I was rubbing my grandmother’s leg. I did not feel like going to the door, thinking that it must be some salesman trying to promote a new kind of ‘super’ vacuum cleaner. But grandmother pointed to the door and nodded her head.
I got her signal and went to the door. The moment I opened the door, my eyeballs nearly dropped out and I bit my teeth hard. It was Jacky’s mother. She was expressionless, staring at me as if I had just done something wrong.
I knew there were only two reasons on why she had come: Either it was good news or bad news about Jacky. Judging from her red eyes, I knew it had to be bad news.
“Joanna.” She started and I wondered how she got my address. But I knocked that thought off and concentrated on her. “This is from Jacky.” She passed me a white envelope. “He said if anything happened to him, I must give you this letter.”
I felt the letter within my fingers. There was only a single piece of paper in the envelope.
“He’s still showing no response. It’s over. If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”
I stared at the envelope for I dared not look at Jacky’s mother. I closed my eyes and waited for her to say something. But she kept quiet. So I nodded, said goodbye to her and slammed the door shut.
“If he still doesn’t wake up next week, I’m cutting off the life support.”
Was this the guy who had told me a joke about a matchstick that had scratched his head then died? Was this the guy who had told me that he would always be my sunshine?
Was this the guy whom I loved deeply?
My grandmother made her way slowly to her room. She was singing some old Chinese song which I did not understand. I jumped onto the sofa, switched on the lamp and tore the envelope gently.
Was this guy Jacky?
Gosh. My tears came again, and I knew they would keep on falling unless I drifted to oblivion.
Dear Joanna,
As I am writing this letter, a freezing remorse is washing inside my body. The ward is serene, and only in this quietness can I fill my thoughts on this piece of paper. I regretted so many things yet I can do nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.
Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: No, I don’t love you.
I must not love you, for I may leave this world anytime. But just now, someone told me something meaningful. I was taking a rest in the park when I saw an old man in his seventies. We chatted, and he said this to me: “In love, either you love, or you don’t.”
It was when I remembered the day when I walked you home. A frail old lady, also in her seventies, chatted with me. Somehow, our conversation also ended with this sentence, “In love, either you love or you don’t.”
In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it still boils down to this single sentence: I love you.
My message. My SMS messages. I know you have not deleted it. Go decode it.
If you’re reading this letter, I must be in a coma. But I just wanted to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.
Just wait for me if I’m in a coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll still be having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.
Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.
Jacky Wu
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone once said that time would dry the tears. It had been a month, yet my tears kept on dropping whenever I saw him.
Jacky had been going on a glucose diet for the past thirty days. I tried talking to him every day, singing to him every week but still, he did not move.
Where’re the promises you made to me?
If I had one of the abilities of God, I would have chosen to re-live my past, and slowly, tenderly, treasuring every single hour, minute and second with you. Every single moment with you.
But it was too late. All too late.
I laid my head onto the side of his bed. It had been an exhausting day for me. I had to hand up all my tutorials today and I was going to have a tough economics test the following day. It had been a long while since I had a good night’s sleep.
The moment I closed my eyes, I drifted into a deep sleep. In my sleep, I forgot everything and dived into a beautiful dream. I was in a crowded bus. A masculine voice captured my attention.
“Hey, hello!”
I glanced up, looking for someone. A guy had just boarded the bus, and he was smiling at me. I smiled back instantly, feeling an urge to walk to him. He squeezed past everybody in the bus and stood just beside me.
“Hello!”
He yelled although he was just beside me. I laughed, but still I said nothing, as if a force was sealing my mouth.
“Hello to Joanna!”
Somehow, I felt a familiarity in this scene. Even the voice sounded familiar. I took a very deep breath and regained control of myself. I looked around with my tired body and saw myself in the ward.
“Hello. Where’s my peeled apple?”
The images had just been a dream, but the voices were reality.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter 20
I stroked his hand softly, feeling the warmth. This is another dream, isn’t it? The images are so clear: I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. There are so many colours. Jacky had just opened his eyes.
I heard voices when I was sleeping. I thought the voices were just part of my dream, but the voices in my dream sounded so real, yet the images in it looked so hazy. Now, as I rubbed my eyes, both the voices and images were real. This is definitely not a dream.
“Talk to me.” I said, my voice a bit dry.
“Hey, hello to my girl, Joanna.” His voice rang again, louder this time. His eyes were half-closed and he was smiling. “Where’s my peeled apple?”
I could feel my mouth opening wide and my throat choking with phlegm. I wanted to jump onto him, giving him the hug of his life. But if I really do that, he may plunge back into a coma again.
“You idiot.” I whispered, toying with his fingers. “You idiot, do you know your mum was going to let you go if you had decided to wake up tomorrow? Do you know, huh? Why don’t you just go to hell?”
Jacky laughed weakly. “I choose my dates carefully.”
“You sure do.”
“Like, when I was in Secondary One, I chose Candy Tzu as my date. When I was in Secondary Two, I chose Ru Hua. Well, When I was in Secondary Three-”
“Not funny.” I cut in.
“In Secondary Three, I chose Joanna Fung, and I’ll make her my date forever.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I first saw my grandmother’s photo in her funeral, I squeezed Jacky’s hand tight. I did not shed any tears. I just stared, and stared, and stared.
My grandmother had passed away peacefully two weeks before my A Levels. Initially, when I saw her lying on the sofa, I thought she was just resting. I went forward, wanting to wake her up. It was then I realised she was smiling but her eyes were closed.
When I noticed that she was not breathing, I did not call the ambulance instantly. Instead, I paced up and down, and finally, I called Jacky. Until now, the cause of her death is still unknown. It seemed to be of old age.
“You’re a strong girl.” Jacky said to me.
There were less than ten people attending the funeral, and I felt sad for my grandmother. Still, I did not cry.
“Come on, sit down. I’ve got something to tell you.” Jacky said, motioning to a chair. When I settled down, he passed me a packet of drink. “Remember the letter I wrote for you? I asked my mother to pass it to you if I were in a coma.”
I nodded.
“Well, I did say something about an old lady in your void deck, giving me some advice on love right? That love is either yes, or no. There’re no other excuses.”
My heart skipped a beat. My grandmother had told me that before, and Jacky had heard this from some old lady near my void deck.
“Your grandmother was the old lady.”
Now I really felt like crying. Firstly, my grandmother became my chat mate. Then she became my advisor. And now I discovered she had also contributed to bringing me Jacky.
Ironically, Jacky had brought me my grandmother and my grandmother had brought me Jacky.
“Now, look here.” Jacky pointed to my left. I turned my head and wheezed. It was the old man in the park at the hospital who had given me the advice of love as well.
“What the…”
The old man was staring at my grandmother’s coffin with teary eyes. After a while, he said something to himself and went off.
“Ours is not the saddest story in the world. There’re so many stories going on. Ours is just one of the many.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
END OF POST {:
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