Weeping
Weeping
Many weeks have passed and I must say, I have never felt so much joy, amazement and be so filled with awe for God. The bright and happy moments were something new that I felt. So was what I felt today.
It's not new per say, but it was kinda the same thing with a stronger conviction. It saddens my heart to see things the way it is and how sinful I am, knowing that with every sinful thing that I do - or anything at all that causes a negative influence to others - I am contributing to this very devastating state of things.
I know God uses me still, despite my weaknesses and all sorts of sinfulness. But I also know that because of this, many will draw closer to Christ, and many also will pull away from Christ. If I learnt anything today, miracles may be normal and inspiring or encouraging in one christian's faith, but because of how ridiculous and impossibly amazing these miracles are, out of the norm, yet FEELS normal, people will doubt. Opposition will rise. The devil won't stay idle. As God's kingdom rises, the devil's rise too. God is a gentleman too, He doesn't force you to believe. He doesn't use force, but He only shows and tells the truth. It is what or rather, who we choose to believe in.
I wept bitterly today. I was so devastated, maybe not to the point of that much devastation that I go on a hunger strike, but you know, I was just really really sad that I cried out to God. I seriously won't ever know the full path God would want me to take, if I knew - I told myself - I'd probably be too overwhelmed and just not move because great are the plans God has in store for me in future! And I'd need time to grow, take a step at a time to grow and reach where He wants me to be. But, back to the point, I won't know what He has in store for them… I don't know when He will let the power of the Holy Spirit just fall upon all of us… But in these moments, I will continue trusting in Him, even when people may think I'm a maniac. If I'm a maniac for God, that's fine by me.
Then again, of course, going against the flow is a seriously terrifying and intimidating thing to do. I cried out to God again today for a sign of comfort, a sign of support. And so here I am, gonna sound ridiculous again and all… but this did make me feel better.
As I wept beside my bed, somehow it's after three drops of tears on my bed that I take a tissue to wipe the MUCUS under my nose (fyi, I didn't even notice this until the very end). After disposing the first one, I continued crying again. Three drops again. Need tissue because of irritating mucus. And it happened again. I stopped to look at the damp spots on my bed sheet. Was it a sign itself? … Nah. probably not haha. So funny…
I walked over to my parents' room to use the bathroom before heading back and I recalled earlier when I told my mom about orlie looking for me and whining and barking at the door (I felt she was signaling me to go to the door, but by the time I got there, there was seriously nobody, not even anyone walking pass our house) and she said that it could be my dog sensed someone cursing this house or something. I thought that was ridiculous as well. We had no enemies in the neighborhood, why would anyone randomly curse at our doorstep, right? But then I knew that even without the cursing incident, I know the devil will always be prowling around, waiting for an opportunity to strike. So I prayed and rebuke whatever evil spirits there were in this house and I prayed for God's presence, Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit to fill my entire house from the door to every single room, to the windows and all.
Well.. somehow I mentioned all three (trinity) anyway. And I looked back at my bed sheet. Father, Son and Holy Spirit.. huh?
I felt the Lord was comforting me right there and then… God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit will be with me. It took me three pieces of tissue to notice the tears and that just felt like an affirmation - three times. "I will be with you." It reminded me of Moses and the burning bush. "Who am I?" He asked, and God answered, "I will be with you." And this wave of comfort just swept over me…
I may not know the plans He have for me or His church, but I will trust in the Lord and wait upon Him with an expectant heart as always.
Many weeks have passed and I must say, I have never felt so much joy, amazement and be so filled with awe for God. The bright and happy moments were something new that I felt. So was what I felt today.
It's not new per say, but it was kinda the same thing with a stronger conviction. It saddens my heart to see things the way it is and how sinful I am, knowing that with every sinful thing that I do - or anything at all that causes a negative influence to others - I am contributing to this very devastating state of things.
I know God uses me still, despite my weaknesses and all sorts of sinfulness. But I also know that because of this, many will draw closer to Christ, and many also will pull away from Christ. If I learnt anything today, miracles may be normal and inspiring or encouraging in one christian's faith, but because of how ridiculous and impossibly amazing these miracles are, out of the norm, yet FEELS normal, people will doubt. Opposition will rise. The devil won't stay idle. As God's kingdom rises, the devil's rise too. God is a gentleman too, He doesn't force you to believe. He doesn't use force, but He only shows and tells the truth. It is what or rather, who we choose to believe in.
I wept bitterly today. I was so devastated, maybe not to the point of that much devastation that I go on a hunger strike, but you know, I was just really really sad that I cried out to God. I seriously won't ever know the full path God would want me to take, if I knew - I told myself - I'd probably be too overwhelmed and just not move because great are the plans God has in store for me in future! And I'd need time to grow, take a step at a time to grow and reach where He wants me to be. But, back to the point, I won't know what He has in store for them… I don't know when He will let the power of the Holy Spirit just fall upon all of us… But in these moments, I will continue trusting in Him, even when people may think I'm a maniac. If I'm a maniac for God, that's fine by me.
Then again, of course, going against the flow is a seriously terrifying and intimidating thing to do. I cried out to God again today for a sign of comfort, a sign of support. And so here I am, gonna sound ridiculous again and all… but this did make me feel better.
As I wept beside my bed, somehow it's after three drops of tears on my bed that I take a tissue to wipe the MUCUS under my nose (fyi, I didn't even notice this until the very end). After disposing the first one, I continued crying again. Three drops again. Need tissue because of irritating mucus. And it happened again. I stopped to look at the damp spots on my bed sheet. Was it a sign itself? … Nah. probably not haha. So funny…
I walked over to my parents' room to use the bathroom before heading back and I recalled earlier when I told my mom about orlie looking for me and whining and barking at the door (I felt she was signaling me to go to the door, but by the time I got there, there was seriously nobody, not even anyone walking pass our house) and she said that it could be my dog sensed someone cursing this house or something. I thought that was ridiculous as well. We had no enemies in the neighborhood, why would anyone randomly curse at our doorstep, right? But then I knew that even without the cursing incident, I know the devil will always be prowling around, waiting for an opportunity to strike. So I prayed and rebuke whatever evil spirits there were in this house and I prayed for God's presence, Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit to fill my entire house from the door to every single room, to the windows and all.
Well.. somehow I mentioned all three (trinity) anyway. And I looked back at my bed sheet. Father, Son and Holy Spirit.. huh?
I felt the Lord was comforting me right there and then… God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit will be with me. It took me three pieces of tissue to notice the tears and that just felt like an affirmation - three times. "I will be with you." It reminded me of Moses and the burning bush. "Who am I?" He asked, and God answered, "I will be with you." And this wave of comfort just swept over me…
I may not know the plans He have for me or His church, but I will trust in the Lord and wait upon Him with an expectant heart as always.
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