Not a bed of roses
Not a bed of roses
I expected such things to happen. Not specifically to certain people, but I just knew it would happen. For how can sadness leave this world when Satan is around to make people's lives miserable? By that, I mean depriving them of God.
Life isn't a bed of roses. For the past few posts, I've been posting about cool stuff happening, but dear readers, if life here is as plain as water, then that's boring. Just, weird. However, that is just my view because what I see is, I can never reach that point anyway. I'm too weak, I lack knowledge, wisdom and understanding to fly in the clouds and never reach a low point. Nobody is perfect on their own to live life with full satisfaction.
Being a Singaporean, I've heard we are known to be great worrywarts, even when there's clearly nothing to worry about - saying about the things that are really minor and worrying is really unnecessary. Other than it not helping the situation at all, of course.
Truth is, I'd like to share something that'd link to the main point of this post.
A couple of months ago, I encountered what seemed like the end of the world to me. I was told I had herpes. Now, those who know me, number 1, I am a virgin, number 2, I have a bad habit of thinking of worse-case scenarios. I had absolutely no idea what herpes meant, to be honest. I was told that it was just a guess, and I'd have to go for a blood test to verify it. In that waiting time, it was hell. I know that right now, I cannot compare it to hell since hell is a place where it is void of the presence of God, but here on earth, God is roaming throughout the entire earth. Anyway, back to the story, I was feeling horrible. I didn't know what I should be feeling, so I just burst out crying. What could be the worst disease a woman at my age could have? I told myself, I wanted to have kids in future, no matter how annoying or terrifying they can be as a baby or a teen… I wanted to have the chance to hold my baby in my arms… How would the rest of my relatives react if they found out about my possible condition? All I was seeing was condemnation from everyone around me, but my parents and ben. And there's God.
Somehow in all my problems, God isn't always the first to appear in my thoughts. But here I was, thinking about God. Thinking about this very, very seriously. I prayed and asked God to take away whatever disease I had - if I had any. I wanted peace in my heart. I desperately needed that.
Months passed and yes, I'm not herpes positive. Thing is, I still get paranoid because the doctor only tested what she suspected I had, herpes simplex type II. She didn't test for the first one. The test turned out negative, but here I am, sometimes with this paranoid feeling that I just might have herpes simplex type I. Over the weeks, I wasn't that surprised after all. It could be genetic. That was what I learnt and used to calm myself down.
I've been reflecting about that incident.. Really, what could be a worse disease to have? Cancer? Oh right. No, when I thought about it, it was something way worse. This disease is called, "worldly disease". What are the symptoms? They include being lazy, feeling unworthy and living in fear. You see, when you are drawn to God, these things wouldn't hold you back from doing His work, from advancing and soaring to greater heights… Being in closer intimacy with God. Some reasons would be, being ashamed of the gospel, not committed, wouldn't sacrifice whole being; whole self to God. As the Holy Spirit comes not to condemn but to show us to help us discern right from wrong, I say these are the symptoms I see from experience to let you know what I think and let my future self know what I thought at my current age.
Like I said in the beginning of the post, I lack wisdom and understanding, I lack knowledge. But with this knowledge alone, I weep for God's people. I weep for some I know who barely talk to me anymore. It feels like the door has been closed on me and they are currently living in another world. No matter how much I try to reach out to them, it'd only be for a few seconds, and they disappear again.
For some of my precious brothers and sisters in Christ whom I've known for so long, don't talk about disappointment… It's not the point… I feel like I've failed to reel them and help them grow closer to God. I'd like to always think when God closes such doors of friendship, they are in His hands, and perhaps He'll use other people around them then to make an impact in their lives… I'd like to trust in the fact that His hand is in all of this… But what should I do? Should I just… give up contacting them? We all make choices, what if they make the wrong ones? .. Then again, salvation and love is freewill. Whatever they choose, is up to them. If they pick the right one, let everyone rejoice and throw a party, but if they don't we all weep and mourn. But we all have to move on because there are way too many people in this world and we don't have time to be doing solely one thing, that is to mourn. We are constantly interceding for others, constantly making an effort. When we throw a party, we rejoice and celebrate for the reconciliation of a brother or sister in Christ with God, good! Move on! There's lot of work to be done. I'm not saying you can't rest, but I'm telling you, don't you ever be so satisfied with that and stop whatever you're doing. Keep it up.
Anyway.
I felt betrayal at some point of time. I felt eyes dart right at me. I've actually experienced that in real life, and it is not a pleasant scene. I feel like the darkness can consume me there and then, yet, though the world is filled with darkness, I walk around with a light surrounding me. Because I was called to be the Salt and Light of the earth. I'll be different. My values are towards godliness, and that is different from worldly values. I am protected by God because I'm living a life not my own. When the light came into the world familiar and filled with darkness, it rejected and still rejects the light till this day. We, as christians, we live as though walking around in darkness, we bring light to people who've yet to be enlightened by God, who've yet to feel touched by God. Yes, this includes christians ourselves!
So why am I typing all this?
… People will reject me. People will move away... avoid me. People will find me weird. This could be a test of my faithfulness to God. However, that is not what I'm driving towards. I feel extremely helpless at the moment because… I have no idea what to do… I have no idea if God has given me assignments to do… As I do pretty much nothing or not much, I see people walk away. From my life, from church.. from God, maybe? I don't even know their progress since they practically pretty much walked out from my life.
Or maybe they thought I left… while I had so many things on my plate and I didn't bother noticing to prioritize my stuff well… So many things leave me confused. Even the way God works… It has completely no logic to me, even though everything He does has logic to it. His amazing, incomprehensible-by-human logic.
I feel I should keep trying. I feel I haven't said enough… But when I think about it… will history repeat itself? When I said I wouldn't live the same again, I see people scrutinizing my every move. That makes me live in fear, which I shouldn't be doing, because if I have God, what have I to fear? I only have to fear Him and Him alone. If I'm so intimate in relationship with Him, what have I to fear? Why must I let what I think others say about me affect me? They might not even be true! And even if is really is true, may they see God's light shine through me! Not hesitation!
I expected such things to happen. Not specifically to certain people, but I just knew it would happen. For how can sadness leave this world when Satan is around to make people's lives miserable? By that, I mean depriving them of God.
Life isn't a bed of roses. For the past few posts, I've been posting about cool stuff happening, but dear readers, if life here is as plain as water, then that's boring. Just, weird. However, that is just my view because what I see is, I can never reach that point anyway. I'm too weak, I lack knowledge, wisdom and understanding to fly in the clouds and never reach a low point. Nobody is perfect on their own to live life with full satisfaction.
Being a Singaporean, I've heard we are known to be great worrywarts, even when there's clearly nothing to worry about - saying about the things that are really minor and worrying is really unnecessary. Other than it not helping the situation at all, of course.
Truth is, I'd like to share something that'd link to the main point of this post.
A couple of months ago, I encountered what seemed like the end of the world to me. I was told I had herpes. Now, those who know me, number 1, I am a virgin, number 2, I have a bad habit of thinking of worse-case scenarios. I had absolutely no idea what herpes meant, to be honest. I was told that it was just a guess, and I'd have to go for a blood test to verify it. In that waiting time, it was hell. I know that right now, I cannot compare it to hell since hell is a place where it is void of the presence of God, but here on earth, God is roaming throughout the entire earth. Anyway, back to the story, I was feeling horrible. I didn't know what I should be feeling, so I just burst out crying. What could be the worst disease a woman at my age could have? I told myself, I wanted to have kids in future, no matter how annoying or terrifying they can be as a baby or a teen… I wanted to have the chance to hold my baby in my arms… How would the rest of my relatives react if they found out about my possible condition? All I was seeing was condemnation from everyone around me, but my parents and ben. And there's God.
Somehow in all my problems, God isn't always the first to appear in my thoughts. But here I was, thinking about God. Thinking about this very, very seriously. I prayed and asked God to take away whatever disease I had - if I had any. I wanted peace in my heart. I desperately needed that.
Months passed and yes, I'm not herpes positive. Thing is, I still get paranoid because the doctor only tested what she suspected I had, herpes simplex type II. She didn't test for the first one. The test turned out negative, but here I am, sometimes with this paranoid feeling that I just might have herpes simplex type I. Over the weeks, I wasn't that surprised after all. It could be genetic. That was what I learnt and used to calm myself down.
I've been reflecting about that incident.. Really, what could be a worse disease to have? Cancer? Oh right. No, when I thought about it, it was something way worse. This disease is called, "worldly disease". What are the symptoms? They include being lazy, feeling unworthy and living in fear. You see, when you are drawn to God, these things wouldn't hold you back from doing His work, from advancing and soaring to greater heights… Being in closer intimacy with God. Some reasons would be, being ashamed of the gospel, not committed, wouldn't sacrifice whole being; whole self to God. As the Holy Spirit comes not to condemn but to show us to help us discern right from wrong, I say these are the symptoms I see from experience to let you know what I think and let my future self know what I thought at my current age.
Like I said in the beginning of the post, I lack wisdom and understanding, I lack knowledge. But with this knowledge alone, I weep for God's people. I weep for some I know who barely talk to me anymore. It feels like the door has been closed on me and they are currently living in another world. No matter how much I try to reach out to them, it'd only be for a few seconds, and they disappear again.
For some of my precious brothers and sisters in Christ whom I've known for so long, don't talk about disappointment… It's not the point… I feel like I've failed to reel them and help them grow closer to God. I'd like to always think when God closes such doors of friendship, they are in His hands, and perhaps He'll use other people around them then to make an impact in their lives… I'd like to trust in the fact that His hand is in all of this… But what should I do? Should I just… give up contacting them? We all make choices, what if they make the wrong ones? .. Then again, salvation and love is freewill. Whatever they choose, is up to them. If they pick the right one, let everyone rejoice and throw a party, but if they don't we all weep and mourn. But we all have to move on because there are way too many people in this world and we don't have time to be doing solely one thing, that is to mourn. We are constantly interceding for others, constantly making an effort. When we throw a party, we rejoice and celebrate for the reconciliation of a brother or sister in Christ with God, good! Move on! There's lot of work to be done. I'm not saying you can't rest, but I'm telling you, don't you ever be so satisfied with that and stop whatever you're doing. Keep it up.
Anyway.
I felt betrayal at some point of time. I felt eyes dart right at me. I've actually experienced that in real life, and it is not a pleasant scene. I feel like the darkness can consume me there and then, yet, though the world is filled with darkness, I walk around with a light surrounding me. Because I was called to be the Salt and Light of the earth. I'll be different. My values are towards godliness, and that is different from worldly values. I am protected by God because I'm living a life not my own. When the light came into the world familiar and filled with darkness, it rejected and still rejects the light till this day. We, as christians, we live as though walking around in darkness, we bring light to people who've yet to be enlightened by God, who've yet to feel touched by God. Yes, this includes christians ourselves!
So why am I typing all this?
… People will reject me. People will move away... avoid me. People will find me weird. This could be a test of my faithfulness to God. However, that is not what I'm driving towards. I feel extremely helpless at the moment because… I have no idea what to do… I have no idea if God has given me assignments to do… As I do pretty much nothing or not much, I see people walk away. From my life, from church.. from God, maybe? I don't even know their progress since they practically pretty much walked out from my life.
Or maybe they thought I left… while I had so many things on my plate and I didn't bother noticing to prioritize my stuff well… So many things leave me confused. Even the way God works… It has completely no logic to me, even though everything He does has logic to it. His amazing, incomprehensible-by-human logic.
I feel I should keep trying. I feel I haven't said enough… But when I think about it… will history repeat itself? When I said I wouldn't live the same again, I see people scrutinizing my every move. That makes me live in fear, which I shouldn't be doing, because if I have God, what have I to fear? I only have to fear Him and Him alone. If I'm so intimate in relationship with Him, what have I to fear? Why must I let what I think others say about me affect me? They might not even be true! And even if is really is true, may they see God's light shine through me! Not hesitation!
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