Thoughts.
Thoughts.
I realised I've been too easy-going.
No, wait, I'll rephrase that, too easily-influenced.. I think that I'm so easily-influenced to the point that I don't even realise it. I didn't think that not being judgmental would result in me drifting away from God. Why? Because I fall to the other side of the spectrum! To the point where I'm so ok-this, ok-that, and I forget what I learnt that is right/wrong. I'm getting confused.
#confusedteen
I think it started when I entered poly. My rigid thinking was melted and turned into molten state, and eventually, liquid, I just flowed and filled up the shape of the container. Wherever do I belong? Whom do I belong to, but God? When I said so, then why am I acting like this? I can come up with these questions and have no answer to them because really, all that's ahead of those questions are blanks. white. blanks.
Probably my thoughts are running too fast I can't seem to process it fully or that I was just hit by a giant stick that caused my thinking to slow down by ten times.
Haish.... and here I am sneezing as I'm typing this. How am I to work tomorrow... OTL
That's what got me thinking. Why am I working so hard? To get those headphones. Why am I getting a new pair of headphones? Because I'm investing in what I love. Is it really what I love? Not the most, I can even live without doing it, to be honest.
HOW DID I EVEN DEVELOP MY MIND OR PSYCHO IT TO THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT COMPOSING, MIXING OR ARRANGING MUSIC?!
OTL
To be honest, I feel so happy with my life now. It's not gonna be enough, the society's gonna demand much more from me when I'm older, but I want to appreciate this moment here and now. I love it. I love it so much I think I'm even placing "now" time before God - indirectly, myself before God. Pride. there you have it.
That's probably my issue.
Again.
sigh.. God... am I running an overcoming-pride marathon? It seems like an endless race.... so many forms of pride to identify... to avoid.... to decide; pick the right choice so I don't have to explore that specific form of pride again. It's like, going on the same roller-coaster ride all over again....
What what what? I don't get it. God's wisdom is way beyond me and His revelations revealed to me are already at overwhelming stage.. I neeeeeeeed some sort of guide or something. I'm like... WHERE AM I??? AM I REALLY GROWING??? UH....... HELLO?
Then again, there is a reason for me appreciating my time here and now. That's because of the relaxed lifestyle I'm leading, although this job that I'm working does not give a .. well, I think I'm underpaid, it's fine. I'm totally cool with it, why? Because I love the people there. Drama episodes every day, the people there are nice and caring, and they're not forceful and stuff, they're all just really really nice. Besides, I get free meals. C'mon! It's like what I earn is just extra alr if my meals are covered while working. I'm so so thankful for that! I wish I can even just continue this lifestyle after I graduate from poly or something. Strange, and my parents will probably slaughter me for saying that, but... really.. I don't ask for much... is this - my way of seriously not asking for much - asking for much? I mean, I guess it is... in singapore. they'll force and squeeze every cent out of you till you run dry and beg or something.
I don't know. I'm not to judge the politics here, I'm just eighteen and... I'm particularly not very interested in politics at the moment either.
This makes me feel like I'm kinda like that character in Naruto, um.. what was his name again? .... Oh right, "Shikamaru". Well, except that I'm not a genius like him who thinks hundred steps ahead. My character would react in a way to freeze or not really care in certain situations because I know I can't do it, after thinking a little about it, of course. Besides, I don't like to take risks either.
Sigh. Sounds like a selfish, lazy brat here right?
sigh.
~
Well, on top of that, I'm quite sad that I didn't get a reply from this email I replied to regarding some program somewhat like a scholarship... I'm like..."Oh God, why?! I need the money for future investments!!!" Sigh ): Well, I guess maybe God says I'm not ready for the upcoming workload or something. Or that I don't need it. Or some other reason that I may or may never know... haha. oh well. Sad, but I'm not depressed. It's okay!
I realised I've been too easy-going.
No, wait, I'll rephrase that, too easily-influenced.. I think that I'm so easily-influenced to the point that I don't even realise it. I didn't think that not being judgmental would result in me drifting away from God. Why? Because I fall to the other side of the spectrum! To the point where I'm so ok-this, ok-that, and I forget what I learnt that is right/wrong. I'm getting confused.
#confusedteen
I think it started when I entered poly. My rigid thinking was melted and turned into molten state, and eventually, liquid, I just flowed and filled up the shape of the container. Wherever do I belong? Whom do I belong to, but God? When I said so, then why am I acting like this? I can come up with these questions and have no answer to them because really, all that's ahead of those questions are blanks. white. blanks.
Probably my thoughts are running too fast I can't seem to process it fully or that I was just hit by a giant stick that caused my thinking to slow down by ten times.
Haish.... and here I am sneezing as I'm typing this. How am I to work tomorrow... OTL
That's what got me thinking. Why am I working so hard? To get those headphones. Why am I getting a new pair of headphones? Because I'm investing in what I love. Is it really what I love? Not the most, I can even live without doing it, to be honest.
HOW DID I EVEN DEVELOP MY MIND OR PSYCHO IT TO THINK I CAN LIVE WITHOUT COMPOSING, MIXING OR ARRANGING MUSIC?!
OTL
To be honest, I feel so happy with my life now. It's not gonna be enough, the society's gonna demand much more from me when I'm older, but I want to appreciate this moment here and now. I love it. I love it so much I think I'm even placing "now" time before God - indirectly, myself before God. Pride. there you have it.
That's probably my issue.
Again.
sigh.. God... am I running an overcoming-pride marathon? It seems like an endless race.... so many forms of pride to identify... to avoid.... to decide; pick the right choice so I don't have to explore that specific form of pride again. It's like, going on the same roller-coaster ride all over again....
What what what? I don't get it. God's wisdom is way beyond me and His revelations revealed to me are already at overwhelming stage.. I neeeeeeeed some sort of guide or something. I'm like... WHERE AM I??? AM I REALLY GROWING??? UH....... HELLO?
Then again, there is a reason for me appreciating my time here and now. That's because of the relaxed lifestyle I'm leading, although this job that I'm working does not give a .. well, I think I'm underpaid, it's fine. I'm totally cool with it, why? Because I love the people there. Drama episodes every day, the people there are nice and caring, and they're not forceful and stuff, they're all just really really nice. Besides, I get free meals. C'mon! It's like what I earn is just extra alr if my meals are covered while working. I'm so so thankful for that! I wish I can even just continue this lifestyle after I graduate from poly or something. Strange, and my parents will probably slaughter me for saying that, but... really.. I don't ask for much... is this - my way of seriously not asking for much - asking for much? I mean, I guess it is... in singapore. they'll force and squeeze every cent out of you till you run dry and beg or something.
I don't know. I'm not to judge the politics here, I'm just eighteen and... I'm particularly not very interested in politics at the moment either.
This makes me feel like I'm kinda like that character in Naruto, um.. what was his name again? .... Oh right, "Shikamaru". Well, except that I'm not a genius like him who thinks hundred steps ahead. My character would react in a way to freeze or not really care in certain situations because I know I can't do it, after thinking a little about it, of course. Besides, I don't like to take risks either.
Sigh. Sounds like a selfish, lazy brat here right?
sigh.
~
Well, on top of that, I'm quite sad that I didn't get a reply from this email I replied to regarding some program somewhat like a scholarship... I'm like..."Oh God, why?! I need the money for future investments!!!" Sigh ): Well, I guess maybe God says I'm not ready for the upcoming workload or something. Or that I don't need it. Or some other reason that I may or may never know... haha. oh well. Sad, but I'm not depressed. It's okay!
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