More thoughts
More thoughts
I just thought of sharing something, and so I shall.
Honestly, I'm not always close to God - not that God has pushed me away from Him, rather, I'm the one wandering elsewhere. Living the life of a hypocrite meant looking forward to what I ought to do, yet taking a step backward, away from who I am .. well, created to be, away from God. How on earth did I come to that conclusion?
I'll tell you what happened today.
Waking up pretty early in the morning - early to me - My friends who stayed over at my place decided to have lunch, so we went downstairs, bought some lunch, headed home to eat and watch a movie, started baking as planned. Well.. Things weren't going so well after that. The first batch was pretty much a failure, although it did help us to take note of certain mistakes to not make in the second batch of cheesecakes were making. I wasn't really upset about that, but I guess everything's pretty much accumulative, no matter how minor it is, if it affected you one bit and if you choose to ignore it, it'll slowly accumulate somewhere, somehow, and one fine day, it's gonna erupt, and explode and BOOMZ. there goes your mind, thinking, when did it start? how?
Of course, I speak from experience, and my experience could very well be only a piece of the 1000-piece puzzle. In other words, there are many perspectives, many doors to such situations, but for now, that's the case.
The baking was "prolonged" in a way, and one of my friends had to leave halfway to meet her sis and bf, so it was down to my friend and I to make the last batch. Well.. being in a rush, seeing how I'm kinda extremely late for YE, I was trying to balance between, would Jesus stay and be happy and enjoy time with a friend baking, or be flustered and rush to church now? ._. um. WWJD? Haha, well, that thought did cross my mind, although I didn't get to answer it cos I was pretty much rushing throughout the entire time.. So that question just kept popping up in my mind, never answered or never fully thinking much about it until .... much later.
I was late. Late for YE. sigh. Great. The cross pendant was tangled up with the chain around my neck. As I was trying to untangle it, my hands were so strong I literally broke it, like, tore it. I don't know how, but, yeah. Great. An expensive gift from Ben and I just ruined it. With my own two hands. Well done, Vanessa. Good job. You're still gonna be late and you destroyed an expensive - not to mention precious and significant - gift. Pile, pile, pile up up up.
And so, already being late, I was hoping very much that my parents could send me down to church then I'd save about 15 minutes. However, what happened after saddened me. Somehow, making me mad a little as well. So I heard that my parents had to leave the house at 5.30pm to attend cell somewhere (heading there by car.) and it was 5pm at that time. When my mom asked my dad if he could hitch a ride from someone else from their cell 'cos she'd need to send me down to church, I heard the loud "TSK" coming from the room. Now, I know my dad wasn't agitated by my mom asking him a question, nor was he that agitated by the possibility that he had to go to the venue of cell alone, but hearing that loud "tsk" DID make me think of questions like .. Was he being selfish because he wasn't sacrificial? Or was he mad that I was already late and now I'm making things difficult for them... or that I somehow do not wish to bear this whole responsibility thing on my own and therefore am somewhat a burden because I'm not being independent enough... okay, I don't know how to phrase the last "question". But I hope you roughly get what I mean.
A little flustered, yet, trying to hear the little kind voice at the back of my head to not think of the anger, I said it was alright, and I'd take a cab instead. I don't know what made me say that because you know what? I'm like the worst person to flag a cab because cabs somehow either don't see me waving at them or... don't see me waving at them. oh right, or hate me. Because that's exactly what happened, exactly as I predicted in my head.
Already at my peak, I was texting ben and telling him how flustered I was. The first batch was a failure, so seemed the last, the necklace broke, I'm late, my parents couldn't fetch me to church, I had to spend unnecessary money on cab (just because it's cabbing), cabs hate me/don't see me waving at them and weird questions running all over my mind. PHOOO! I couldn't take it. Each time a cab ignored me, I either wanted to mouth "f" you or show the middle finger cos I was so mad. Did I mention I was an emo kid in the past? Yeah, now you know.
OH KAY. I was texting my friend who was with me earlier, that left later than the other friend. She suggested to pray for a cab now. You know, honestly, at that point of time, being so flustered, being told to pray - aka in a calm state or sane state - wasn't exactly what I could do at that moment. Thank God she did it for me because when I told her if a cab wasn't coming in 5 minutes, I'm just gonna slop my way to the mrt and take the long way to church and be grumpy for the rest of the day, which I didn't do because a cab came after THREE MINUTES. Oh gosh. Trying my best to cool off in the taxi, I then thought about the WWJD question I had in mind earlier. Oh man.
Arrived in church, tried to calmly walk in and sit down and listen to what Pastor Andrew was teaching. Turns out he was teaching about grace and mercy. Well, that was the learning point I took back. And please correct me if I'm wrong, he referred to Ephesians 4:29. It basically is about watching what we say and may whatever we say be of something good, encouraging, and something like that. And I thought. Whoa. I think God is trying to tell me something here. Oh boy. And what did I do earlier?
"Deny yourself daily. Take up your cross and carry it daily," Pastor Andrew said.
Daily. Gosh. I have to deny myself. I have to control myself from temptations like cursing and swearing that I used to hate but now am so conveniently using it - in my head many times when I get so so mad that sometimes it just leaks out. Deny myself so much that no, I know this is who I am capable of being, or who I used to be, but I can't be this person because every choice that I make will either bring me closer to or away from God.
And that opened my eyes to realize how much of a hypocrite I've been.
Yeah, learning from sermons, youth services, people, quiet times, I learn and learn. I see this picture that I'm to somewhat "imitate with meaning" but I take a step back. I take a step away from it. I took many steps away from God.
You know that feeling when you break someone's trust in you or someone breaks your trust in them? It's so hard to gain back that trust. It's like the same for a relationship. When you ruin it, it's so hard to whip yourself back to shape to be the person whom you are to be, to be as close to this person again.
It feels so hard now to whip myself back to shape to stand before God.. To run to Him. I feel that it's so hard now I don't see the picture. I don't see Him opening His arms and waiting for me, not that He doesn't or won't do that. It's because I've pushed that picture aside. I think I need to humble myself more.
C'mon. gotta stuff myself with more failed cheesecakes.
p.s. the last line had completely no relation to the matter at all. it's just somewhat like a tool for me to draw myself into solitude when I do something that doesn't require me to do with someone else.
I just thought of sharing something, and so I shall.
Honestly, I'm not always close to God - not that God has pushed me away from Him, rather, I'm the one wandering elsewhere. Living the life of a hypocrite meant looking forward to what I ought to do, yet taking a step backward, away from who I am .. well, created to be, away from God. How on earth did I come to that conclusion?
I'll tell you what happened today.
Waking up pretty early in the morning - early to me - My friends who stayed over at my place decided to have lunch, so we went downstairs, bought some lunch, headed home to eat and watch a movie, started baking as planned. Well.. Things weren't going so well after that. The first batch was pretty much a failure, although it did help us to take note of certain mistakes to not make in the second batch of cheesecakes were making. I wasn't really upset about that, but I guess everything's pretty much accumulative, no matter how minor it is, if it affected you one bit and if you choose to ignore it, it'll slowly accumulate somewhere, somehow, and one fine day, it's gonna erupt, and explode and BOOMZ. there goes your mind, thinking, when did it start? how?
Of course, I speak from experience, and my experience could very well be only a piece of the 1000-piece puzzle. In other words, there are many perspectives, many doors to such situations, but for now, that's the case.
The baking was "prolonged" in a way, and one of my friends had to leave halfway to meet her sis and bf, so it was down to my friend and I to make the last batch. Well.. being in a rush, seeing how I'm kinda extremely late for YE, I was trying to balance between, would Jesus stay and be happy and enjoy time with a friend baking, or be flustered and rush to church now? ._. um. WWJD? Haha, well, that thought did cross my mind, although I didn't get to answer it cos I was pretty much rushing throughout the entire time.. So that question just kept popping up in my mind, never answered or never fully thinking much about it until .... much later.
I was late. Late for YE. sigh. Great. The cross pendant was tangled up with the chain around my neck. As I was trying to untangle it, my hands were so strong I literally broke it, like, tore it. I don't know how, but, yeah. Great. An expensive gift from Ben and I just ruined it. With my own two hands. Well done, Vanessa. Good job. You're still gonna be late and you destroyed an expensive - not to mention precious and significant - gift. Pile, pile, pile up up up.
And so, already being late, I was hoping very much that my parents could send me down to church then I'd save about 15 minutes. However, what happened after saddened me. Somehow, making me mad a little as well. So I heard that my parents had to leave the house at 5.30pm to attend cell somewhere (heading there by car.) and it was 5pm at that time. When my mom asked my dad if he could hitch a ride from someone else from their cell 'cos she'd need to send me down to church, I heard the loud "TSK" coming from the room. Now, I know my dad wasn't agitated by my mom asking him a question, nor was he that agitated by the possibility that he had to go to the venue of cell alone, but hearing that loud "tsk" DID make me think of questions like .. Was he being selfish because he wasn't sacrificial? Or was he mad that I was already late and now I'm making things difficult for them... or that I somehow do not wish to bear this whole responsibility thing on my own and therefore am somewhat a burden because I'm not being independent enough... okay, I don't know how to phrase the last "question". But I hope you roughly get what I mean.
A little flustered, yet, trying to hear the little kind voice at the back of my head to not think of the anger, I said it was alright, and I'd take a cab instead. I don't know what made me say that because you know what? I'm like the worst person to flag a cab because cabs somehow either don't see me waving at them or... don't see me waving at them. oh right, or hate me. Because that's exactly what happened, exactly as I predicted in my head.
Already at my peak, I was texting ben and telling him how flustered I was. The first batch was a failure, so seemed the last, the necklace broke, I'm late, my parents couldn't fetch me to church, I had to spend unnecessary money on cab (just because it's cabbing), cabs hate me/don't see me waving at them and weird questions running all over my mind. PHOOO! I couldn't take it. Each time a cab ignored me, I either wanted to mouth "f" you or show the middle finger cos I was so mad. Did I mention I was an emo kid in the past? Yeah, now you know.
OH KAY. I was texting my friend who was with me earlier, that left later than the other friend. She suggested to pray for a cab now. You know, honestly, at that point of time, being so flustered, being told to pray - aka in a calm state or sane state - wasn't exactly what I could do at that moment. Thank God she did it for me because when I told her if a cab wasn't coming in 5 minutes, I'm just gonna slop my way to the mrt and take the long way to church and be grumpy for the rest of the day, which I didn't do because a cab came after THREE MINUTES. Oh gosh. Trying my best to cool off in the taxi, I then thought about the WWJD question I had in mind earlier. Oh man.
Arrived in church, tried to calmly walk in and sit down and listen to what Pastor Andrew was teaching. Turns out he was teaching about grace and mercy. Well, that was the learning point I took back. And please correct me if I'm wrong, he referred to Ephesians 4:29. It basically is about watching what we say and may whatever we say be of something good, encouraging, and something like that. And I thought. Whoa. I think God is trying to tell me something here. Oh boy. And what did I do earlier?
"Deny yourself daily. Take up your cross and carry it daily," Pastor Andrew said.
Daily. Gosh. I have to deny myself. I have to control myself from temptations like cursing and swearing that I used to hate but now am so conveniently using it - in my head many times when I get so so mad that sometimes it just leaks out. Deny myself so much that no, I know this is who I am capable of being, or who I used to be, but I can't be this person because every choice that I make will either bring me closer to or away from God.
And that opened my eyes to realize how much of a hypocrite I've been.
Yeah, learning from sermons, youth services, people, quiet times, I learn and learn. I see this picture that I'm to somewhat "imitate with meaning" but I take a step back. I take a step away from it. I took many steps away from God.
You know that feeling when you break someone's trust in you or someone breaks your trust in them? It's so hard to gain back that trust. It's like the same for a relationship. When you ruin it, it's so hard to whip yourself back to shape to be the person whom you are to be, to be as close to this person again.
It feels so hard now to whip myself back to shape to stand before God.. To run to Him. I feel that it's so hard now I don't see the picture. I don't see Him opening His arms and waiting for me, not that He doesn't or won't do that. It's because I've pushed that picture aside. I think I need to humble myself more.
C'mon. gotta stuff myself with more failed cheesecakes.
p.s. the last line had completely no relation to the matter at all. it's just somewhat like a tool for me to draw myself into solitude when I do something that doesn't require me to do with someone else.
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