vwen

Living independently requires so much in a person. I never thought I'd enter into it so quickly, but under current circumstances, here I am. Life still feels pretty empty and I'm not sure where to fit "consequences" into my dictionary. To me, everything is a chain of effect. Nothing is entirely good, therefore, everything that it gives birth to is somewhat bad. And if everything is somewhat bad, what is the point of striving to be good if it'll just spiral into darkness? I suppose that's when God comes into the picture. Without Him, I'm absolutely hopeless. But guess what, I chose to overlook that. And I'm starting to wonder if that had been the root issue the entire time. Nevertheless, I choose to believe that although things have become so complicated, there is some good in the situation. And at the very least, I want to know what that is. Because right now, what is good, what is bad... feels all the same to me. I feel I have nothing left to l...

This is not a post about graduation or someone's birthday. It's not about something happy. But it is about something worth remembering. I quarrelled with my mom yesterday for the first time in about 25 years of my life. I love my mom a lot. I know her intentions have always been pure, genuine, good. But I also know how I feel about her words and actions. Through talking to my friends, significant others, and prayers, I finally found the courage to voice out how I'd been feeling all these years... ... without crying and interrupting the flow of the conversation . I hurt my mom by expressing myself and how I felt. There was great anger released yesterday and somewhat some form of relief thereafter. But some anger remains because there was no conclusion; there was no consensus; no understanding made at the end of the day. There's a guilt that resides within me and won't go away. Because I love my mom. And I hurt her. Though we both said sorry today, th...

It's not easy to hurt yourself You got to climb mountains and walk through hell And even then, you know it's just as well It's better to end than to dwell Why is beauty a reason to forgive? Why not death, but to live? Why carry on when you have nothing to give? There's nowhere to smile, nowhere to grieve There's nowhere to smile, nowhere to grieve.

"행복해?"   A simple, but difficult question to answer these days. I've lost touch with what it means to feel happiness because... whenever I do, a moment later, my reality becomes filled with great uncertainty and anxiety. And this cycle becomes so unbearable that it haunts me in my dreams every night. It is hard to build a sand castle near the waves, hard to reach the shore when the tides overwhelm you again and again, but there will always be a way. God will make a way. So until that day comes, I'll hold on to that hope and take a friend's advice; count my blessings, and hope that the little flowers I see afloat keep me above the waters, help me look up to the one where my help comes from, and lead me to the shore. I'm very thankful for this friend in my life, and I too, hope will stay in my life for a very long time. There was longing, There was waiting, And the rain poured, But it won't last It'll surely pass All that I've endur...

It's almost close to a year since I first saw a counsellor at my school. Although it has been a rollercoaster ride getting to where I am now, I'm grateful for the skills I acquired along the way -- be it from education, my counselling sessions or even friends I met along the way who helped and are still helping me through this period of time. I know this is a late celebration, but since a month ago, for the first time, I felt free. It's not yet the freedom I fully hope for, but I believe even this amount of freedom is for the best at this time. So hurray to.. bearable progress :) People do not exist as individuals alone in the world, we live with many other individuals and their own stories. We live as units; families, couples, friends... So it's important to understand others in that context.... This knowledge that stuck with me since year 1 in university has also kept me stuck in many philosophical dilemmas... but I'll leave that to you guys to discover -- the...

I think that it's great I'm awake at this hour. There is peace and quiet and no one to be concerned about at the moment. Lately, due to the COVID-19 situation, I've had a lot of worries about the wedding and it increasingly became a stressful topic for me. I understand that planning a wedding isn't easy and many couples already find it stressful. Fortunately for me (or so I thought), I actually had more time on my hands, so it was easier for me to appreciate and enjoy each step of the plan. However, that happy moment didn't quite last as the COVID-19 situation worsened. My hope for the dream wedding just slowly died. I think things need to be viewed in context for people to understand my level of distress. Earlier in March, I had another fallout with my sibling. We ended off the conversation cutting off ties. It gave me great relief, yet immense pain. We didn't have the best sibling relationship, but we did have good memories together when we were younger....

Life Update V It's been a few weeks since I told my parents about my future plans and my condition. I think they're taking it pretty well. They've been very understanding, being more patient with me. I guess prior to telling them these things, they must've been acting out of a lot of confusion. Maybe my disclosure helped them piece some things together. It made me wonder about whether it was still worth it to disclose this information to her . These past few months have been difficult, yet liberating. I struggled letting go of a certain expectation of someone. I struggled letting go many expectations of myself and others. I've been slowly coming to acceptance of a new me in this new world. I also came to learn a lot about what I need not be; who I can choose to be. I guess that's where the liberating part comes in. School was over in December, grades came out at the end of the year, I missed graduating with second upper honours by 0.02, let out a big sigh,...