A Day To Remember

This is not a post about graduation or someone's birthday. It's not about something happy. But it is about something worth remembering.

I quarrelled with my mom yesterday for the first time in about 25 years of my life.
I love my mom a lot.
I know her intentions have always been pure, genuine, good.
But I also know how I feel about her words and actions.
Through talking to my friends, significant others, and prayers,
I finally found the courage to voice out how I'd been feeling all these years...
... without crying and interrupting the flow of the conversation.

I hurt my mom by expressing myself and how I felt.
There was great anger released yesterday and somewhat some form of relief thereafter.
But some anger remains because there was no conclusion;
there was no consensus; no understanding made at the end of the day.
There's a guilt that resides within me and won't go away.
Because I love my mom. And I hurt her.
Though we both said sorry today,
the guilt remains.

But there's always a cycle to all of this.
Trigger. Bottling up. Release. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Dissociation. Apathy. Hatred toward self. Sometimes self or assisted harm. Somewhat still being alive despite all that. Gather some safety somewhere.
And sometimes all of these happen over a span of days, weeks, months,
sometimes all at once,
sometimes both of these simultaneously.
I really just look forward to feeling safe.

I'm not sure what to make of all this.
But I do know that this is somehow a significant day for me..
And I hope I can look back some day understanding what it means.