A New Life

Living independently requires so much in a person. I never thought I'd enter into it so quickly, but under current circumstances, here I am.

Life still feels pretty empty and I'm not sure where to fit "consequences" into my dictionary. To me, everything is a chain of effect. Nothing is entirely good, therefore, everything that it gives birth to is somewhat bad. And if everything is somewhat bad, what is the point of striving to be good if it'll just spiral into darkness? I suppose that's when God comes into the picture. Without Him, I'm absolutely hopeless. But guess what, I chose to overlook that. And I'm starting to wonder if that had been the root issue the entire time. Nevertheless, I choose to believe that although things have become so complicated, there is some good in the situation. And at the very least, I want to know what that is. Because right now, what is good, what is bad... feels all the same to me.

I feel I have nothing left to lose... But at the same time, I do. I do have things to lose. But do they really matter at the end of the day? When their bodies cease to function and decompose and then.. nothing? Should I be sad about that? I, too, am going to just... die some day anyway. Still, somehow, I live for these people, these things. Because at least it's the only thing I'm sure of at this point in time. The only thing that isn't spinning around like crazy, giving me no chance to recognise and understand what's going on... The only thing that's giving me security. The only thing that keeps me safe.

Trust no one.

Even in the darkest days, there are people who say they care, but don't actually have your best interests at heart. Don't get me wrong, their hearts may be genuine, but really, the decisions they propose to you may not be the best. Why? They don't see things in your context because they have a life to live, they have their own set of problems to focus on and yours is just one external problem in their eyes. They view your problems through their own lenses, often, through their own experiences, not expertly, therefore, biased and their solutions have absolutely no - not even a rough - estimate of success in execution. And, some people, at the bottom of their hearts, just don't really care that much. And that's fine. All of this is fine. People are entitled to make their own decisions in life, including the ones that involve being there for another person because that's just how the world is; at the end of the day, you need to be the one to think for yourself. You need to make your own decisions. People can help you, but no matter how great that is, ultimately, you are solely responsible because you're executing it. Remember that.

And I remember my voice that I buried deep inside of me for many years.

I need to find myself again.