Carrying my cross, weight of sin, eyes fixed on Jesus and following Him

Carrying my cross, weight of sin, eyes 

fixed on Jesus and following Him

I guess.. no. maybe? otherwise... no.

I may sound heartless but, I wished God didn't give us freewill. but bind us to him even if we're machines or robots. There wouldn't be this much sadness in the world that we have to face and deal with, just because of the consequences of sin. it's a snowball. an endless snowball till we die. you can't just quit. because that's not what you can do. you can't idle, because you'd fall into another trap. you can't act rashly, because you most likely'd do something wrong... We're like living in a world of judgmental people who don't give a second chance to change their opinions completely of others. We're in a world where people doubt and doubt so much they hurt everyone else around them. We're in a world of darkness there seems no light, and no light in those who are lost.

I just wish it all to end. I want to become a robot, really. I really do. Or maybe have this magnetic force for God to use on me and everyone else to pull their hearts, soul, mind and body to Him. I wish there was no rebellion.. I wished people would just stop taking God so lightly. I wished Christianity weren't a toy for mere immature people to talk about carelessly.

I can't stand living in this world like this. But funny, although facing all these things, I would never in a million years commit suicide, why? because that's out of the question.

And I think about cell again. in the previous cell session, about carrying the weight of sin every day, following Jesus. This is what it means people. suffering like this and feel like you're going crazy but you don't commit suicide because it's God's love that pumps and gives you fuel every day to be a sane and loving person to love and care for everyone around you through words & actions.

It's never easy. Never underestimate that verse. no, never underestimate the scripture, the Word of God. There's so much to learn, so much to experience to fully grasp the concept of what little we can know and get out from that passage alone. And just from that verse, I created this post. But funny, if you were to think and interpret in a few words from that scripture, it's so much more than what I've stated. But to truly understand, experiencing it seems like the only way to fully appreciate God's word.

It feels like a burden.. a heavy laden heart. already broken but still together with glue.