Honesty. Green.
Honesty. Green.
I always have this inclination to blog whenever I read somebody else's blog post or watch a vlog (video blog. lol, I had to change this like at least three times cos it kept auto-correcting to 'blog') and so now I feel like spilling everything out. Yeah, spilling it a really great word. A word that possesses great power to either inspire or tear people down. Anyway, I think that's probably more of a 'words' definition than 'spilling'… Ah well! You get what I mean.
Having being the cell leader of MaHoChiu cell - yes, it's our temporary cell name while we decide on one soon - and yes, I'm co-leading with Luke, I feel so different. I can no longer be that little shadow behind someone or the little duckling straddling along with the herd. I HAVE TO LEAD. I honestly, honestly, feel that it's scary. It's strange, and I even think if my pastor were to read this, he'd have this enormous reaction to my statement and ask me, "HOW COULD YOU NOT BE PREPARED FOR THIS??" Yeah. I had about a few months to prepare for this time to come, but I'll be honest here.
I think I'm moving along with the bigger herd out there.
It's not a joke and even I wouldn't dare take this lightly. To be a cell leader, I know the roles and responsibilities, I know this and that, sure, there are some things I still am unsure and inexperienced of, but most of all, I know it. But I can't. do. it. Why? Because I lack the conviction to do it. My point of view when I was "preparing" to be a cell leader, I thought it consisted of two steps: 1) pray. 2) be caring and kind. Honestly, when I sat in front of the group and opened my mouth to speak yesterday, I felt like it took me every moment of courage I'd built for so many years to say a word to the group, even though I know how much they'd probably won't remember every single word I say after an hour anyway. I lack something in me, and it was the content. I was draining "power" from some external source, and I felt so tired and exhausted inside, I didn't know exactly why. Then it hit me, it must be because I'm swaying with the bigger herd out there. And when I say this, I mean worldly influence.
I've always grown up to be someone wanting to be an adult quick and all. I wanted responsibilities, I wanted to go to parties, wear make-up, be an independent woman… And I still, still, so want to go to a bar. Not for any impure reason, but to simply enjoy the atmosphere and music there. Seriously, and I'm still not allowed to go. I'm struggling to be free of all these restrictions I know myself so well I can deal with. And yet? I'm still now allowed to go. oh COME. ON. This is probably something most of the world is doing now. Going with the mainstream flow of things. Want to be there, want to be there. There is no fixed definition of what is what anymore. If it seems right to you, then it is, if it doesn't, it isn't. Such influence, such behavior and thinking is way far from what I'm taught in sunday school.
Thinking back, I've always wondered, if I actually already knew the consequences to things so clearly, why am I still doing it? Up till now I'm not sure. But I know that when people doubt me, doubt about my capabilities as a person, looking down on me in areas where I never thought had any wrong in - mind you, I access myself pretty thoroughly when I want to - I get mad. And you're damn right I want to piss this person off just because he or she thought I was nothing but this small person, incapable of doing this or that. Well, I'm NOT. okay? I learn, I grow, I'm a human being, and I have a right to say my thoughts. I'm not even trying to rebel. I want my voice to be heard so it can be negotiated in a right way and reason things out proper at the table and when it's all laid out in black and white, I'll zip my mouth and accept the punishment that awaits me if I have to. Because it's not fair. It's not fair when I've never done anything yet and I'm being looked down upon already. What makes YOU any better than me unless you're God? Gimme a break! Give me a chance.
argh. sorry, that whole chunk was to rant for something that happened a few days back. I still feel so upset about it I can't stand the feeling of pressure and stress upon me before doing something important and major that I may even excel in, but because of that immense pressure and stress, I fail miserably. Then again, I'll be reasonable and honest here. I have issues dealing with stress.
Back to the main point, I'm afraid. Those watchful eyes.. I mean, it's not just the people in the group, it's the extra eyes that are watching my every move and every train of thought. I get so paranoid I now have so many moments where I just.. before I do anything, I'll just.. freeze.
Okay, there's something very wrong. ._. I should probably stop here before I say anything weird.
I always have this inclination to blog whenever I read somebody else's blog post or watch a vlog (video blog. lol, I had to change this like at least three times cos it kept auto-correcting to 'blog') and so now I feel like spilling everything out. Yeah, spilling it a really great word. A word that possesses great power to either inspire or tear people down. Anyway, I think that's probably more of a 'words' definition than 'spilling'… Ah well! You get what I mean.
Having being the cell leader of MaHoChiu cell - yes, it's our temporary cell name while we decide on one soon - and yes, I'm co-leading with Luke, I feel so different. I can no longer be that little shadow behind someone or the little duckling straddling along with the herd. I HAVE TO LEAD. I honestly, honestly, feel that it's scary. It's strange, and I even think if my pastor were to read this, he'd have this enormous reaction to my statement and ask me, "HOW COULD YOU NOT BE PREPARED FOR THIS??" Yeah. I had about a few months to prepare for this time to come, but I'll be honest here.
I think I'm moving along with the bigger herd out there.
It's not a joke and even I wouldn't dare take this lightly. To be a cell leader, I know the roles and responsibilities, I know this and that, sure, there are some things I still am unsure and inexperienced of, but most of all, I know it. But I can't. do. it. Why? Because I lack the conviction to do it. My point of view when I was "preparing" to be a cell leader, I thought it consisted of two steps: 1) pray. 2) be caring and kind. Honestly, when I sat in front of the group and opened my mouth to speak yesterday, I felt like it took me every moment of courage I'd built for so many years to say a word to the group, even though I know how much they'd probably won't remember every single word I say after an hour anyway. I lack something in me, and it was the content. I was draining "power" from some external source, and I felt so tired and exhausted inside, I didn't know exactly why. Then it hit me, it must be because I'm swaying with the bigger herd out there. And when I say this, I mean worldly influence.
I've always grown up to be someone wanting to be an adult quick and all. I wanted responsibilities, I wanted to go to parties, wear make-up, be an independent woman… And I still, still, so want to go to a bar. Not for any impure reason, but to simply enjoy the atmosphere and music there. Seriously, and I'm still not allowed to go. I'm struggling to be free of all these restrictions I know myself so well I can deal with. And yet? I'm still now allowed to go. oh COME. ON. This is probably something most of the world is doing now. Going with the mainstream flow of things. Want to be there, want to be there. There is no fixed definition of what is what anymore. If it seems right to you, then it is, if it doesn't, it isn't. Such influence, such behavior and thinking is way far from what I'm taught in sunday school.
Thinking back, I've always wondered, if I actually already knew the consequences to things so clearly, why am I still doing it? Up till now I'm not sure. But I know that when people doubt me, doubt about my capabilities as a person, looking down on me in areas where I never thought had any wrong in - mind you, I access myself pretty thoroughly when I want to - I get mad. And you're damn right I want to piss this person off just because he or she thought I was nothing but this small person, incapable of doing this or that. Well, I'm NOT. okay? I learn, I grow, I'm a human being, and I have a right to say my thoughts. I'm not even trying to rebel. I want my voice to be heard so it can be negotiated in a right way and reason things out proper at the table and when it's all laid out in black and white, I'll zip my mouth and accept the punishment that awaits me if I have to. Because it's not fair. It's not fair when I've never done anything yet and I'm being looked down upon already. What makes YOU any better than me unless you're God? Gimme a break! Give me a chance.
argh. sorry, that whole chunk was to rant for something that happened a few days back. I still feel so upset about it I can't stand the feeling of pressure and stress upon me before doing something important and major that I may even excel in, but because of that immense pressure and stress, I fail miserably. Then again, I'll be reasonable and honest here. I have issues dealing with stress.
Back to the main point, I'm afraid. Those watchful eyes.. I mean, it's not just the people in the group, it's the extra eyes that are watching my every move and every train of thought. I get so paranoid I now have so many moments where I just.. before I do anything, I'll just.. freeze.
Okay, there's something very wrong. ._. I should probably stop here before I say anything weird.
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