Late at night

Late at night

Yep, I have no idea what title fits this post for it's gonna be random again. and... and it's late so half of my brain is probably switched off already haha :p

I guess I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow.. Having to start work the first day.. hearing a lot of scary stuff just today.. not a very good thing to remember :s Well, to remember as in to remember and think too much about it. I've never worked my whole life before - except teaching dora the er hu and tutoring a math. But all those were people whom I know, so it's not really "working" experience. This very first job job I'm getting was recommended by my friend. Pressurizing and difficult, but may be really boring and easy. So it's both ends of the spectrum... yep. That was what I heard before tomorrow. oh dear ._."

Well, late at night and my thoughts usually run wild, but since my body clock's changing, I think I'm still sane haha! :\ .. I've been thinking about my life. And how my character's like. I used to want to be a certain someone - just like her. But after all that's happened... I regretted saying and even thinking that. I won't go into details for the internet is a very dangerous thing.. But.. let's just say, I grew to be similar to the her whom I admired since young, the her whom I know then and a couple of months back. What woke me up from that dream? I grew even more. Exposed to friends, I find who I am. Who I truly am, and not who I wanna be. This sounds really cliché to some, but really, I who actually went through that process, it's not fun. not a single bit. It was identity crisis.

Who knew? Another important person entered my life. And things turned for the worse, in a sense, my realization that I should no longer be bonded to following that certain someone and how she thought or acted, I should be me. I could be me. I could because this important person would love me for who I am, not who I wanted him to love. And all this time I created the conflict from within myself, grew jealous, only to realize it all started from that very day when I decided.. that I'd wanted to be just like her when I grow up.

Time passed and I'm finding myself, slowly, but surely. But things aren't going too well for that someone.. This is probably the effect of having to have so so many years looking up to her, and getting that whole image thrown and squashed on the ground. Maybe she didn't change. Maybe I did, and my perception of her changed since then? But there was one thing I felt in that moment of realization - disappointment, nothing but disappointment...

Right now it's hard for me to look. Hard for me to look at her with honest, innocent and cheerful eyes.. without disappointment. ... I don't hold grudges...

... I just hope... I just hope with all my heart that.. she, too, will change.. back to the someone whom I admired so much then - the real her.

~

Well, why I wrote this post? I just figured the reason why.

It's simple, really.

I want to find myself.. and come up with an album with songs that I - Vanessa - would write.