Life Update
Life Update
Time never stops
The beginning of a man's worry
Time waits for no man
Like the wind, it does as it wishes.
I'm entering my 4th year in uni and so many things have happened over the past two years (since my last post). Well, to be exact, a lot of things happened in the past 10 months -- before that was really just a lot of stress from studying and the bi-yearly breakdowns.
I just wanted to remind myself to forgive.
Going back to 10 months ago around mental health day, what happened was a huge blow to me. I never expected myself to react the way that I did. I never found it harder to breathe, so painful to scream, so mad I wanted to punch the wall until my knuckles bled (yeah, I didn't), and so shocked at my reaction I felt I lost my mind. I was so confused... All I could think of was how I thought I'd forgiven these people in my life, put the past behind me and moved on, but how I reacted really showed how much ill-feelings I'd harboured toward them all these years. Of course, that wasn't the only thing that led me to my great meltdown. Being misunderstood had always triggered me. Being clear in my communication to others had always been crucial to me. Wanting to make peace too. All these I thought, trying to make sense of that horrifying, horrifying day.
Following that, I experienced 2-3 weeks of extreme gloom. I dreaded doing anything. I questioned my existence. The existence of all things. Often times I got confused and wondered why the hands I see in front of me did everything I commanded it to do.
Exams came, I probably flunked one of the papers, but by God's grace, I still managed to get a B- for that module.
Placement could not have come at a worse timing. My choice was -- definitely unwise, and -- one of the most stressful environments a social worker could be in (right below CP perhaps). It was a choice I made because I felt inclined to work in that environment. I just severely underestimated the pace of the work there. Yeah, well, very unwise. I lost count of the number of breakdowns I had and the extent of dread I had every day during this period of my life. I did, however, manage to get an A from this module, leave with a good reputation on my ex-colleagues, and make my mom happy by giving her all my earnings from this internship. Feeling useful validates my existence... somewhat. Yeah... It's great to know good things came out from my prolonged starvation of happiness.
When my fiancé's (then boyfriend) brother's proposed to his girlfriend, I felt another wave of depression hit me. To be honest, I had a hunch I was going through depression, but also kept telling myself I'm overthinking... I wish I'd known earlier. Or perhaps, I wish I was a little more compassionate, smarter, had forgiven them sooner, then none of this would've happened.
School was finally over and I took a step to see a counsellor. I started waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares, panic, pain and/or shock, sometimes bawling my eyes out or with my lips swollen from biting them down hard in my sleep. Oh, and did I mention I actually sprained my ankle/foot in my sleep during my placement period? Yeah, that's how stressed I was. I can't believe I yelled at my counsellor during the very first session too. I was taken aback, so was she. She immediately referred me to see a psychiatrist. Arranging appointments was a headache... They mostly clashed with important event dates (e.g. Mom's birthday, friend's graduation, etc), but I had no choice, I needed help asap and I just had to take whatever was given to me.
I currently am on medication for my condition. Some days are better than others. Doctor believes I'll get better. I haven't met my new counsellor (all students under the aforementioned counsellor were transferred to other counsellors because that counsellor had a switch in portfolios), so I'm not too sure how that'll go, but I hope all goes well.
In the meantime, I recently made a trip to Korea (an effort to get away from all the stressors), and was proposed to on the 'proposal steps' at Namsan Tower :) I broke down, cried, and said YES. My fiancé and I are working hard at planning the wedding and can't wait for our big day to come! Although that does mean more stress, I'm glad to know I'm working with a partner who knows just how to calm me down and help me grow. I couldn't ask for a better man.
Time never stops
The beginning of a man's worry
Time waits for no man
Like the wind, it does as it wishes.
I'm entering my 4th year in uni and so many things have happened over the past two years (since my last post). Well, to be exact, a lot of things happened in the past 10 months -- before that was really just a lot of stress from studying and the bi-yearly breakdowns.
I just wanted to remind myself to forgive.
Going back to 10 months ago around mental health day, what happened was a huge blow to me. I never expected myself to react the way that I did. I never found it harder to breathe, so painful to scream, so mad I wanted to punch the wall until my knuckles bled (yeah, I didn't), and so shocked at my reaction I felt I lost my mind. I was so confused... All I could think of was how I thought I'd forgiven these people in my life, put the past behind me and moved on, but how I reacted really showed how much ill-feelings I'd harboured toward them all these years. Of course, that wasn't the only thing that led me to my great meltdown. Being misunderstood had always triggered me. Being clear in my communication to others had always been crucial to me. Wanting to make peace too. All these I thought, trying to make sense of that horrifying, horrifying day.
Following that, I experienced 2-3 weeks of extreme gloom. I dreaded doing anything. I questioned my existence. The existence of all things. Often times I got confused and wondered why the hands I see in front of me did everything I commanded it to do.
Exams came, I probably flunked one of the papers, but by God's grace, I still managed to get a B- for that module.
Placement could not have come at a worse timing. My choice was -- definitely unwise, and -- one of the most stressful environments a social worker could be in (right below CP perhaps). It was a choice I made because I felt inclined to work in that environment. I just severely underestimated the pace of the work there. Yeah, well, very unwise. I lost count of the number of breakdowns I had and the extent of dread I had every day during this period of my life. I did, however, manage to get an A from this module, leave with a good reputation on my ex-colleagues, and make my mom happy by giving her all my earnings from this internship. Feeling useful validates my existence... somewhat. Yeah... It's great to know good things came out from my prolonged starvation of happiness.
When my fiancé's (then boyfriend) brother's proposed to his girlfriend, I felt another wave of depression hit me. To be honest, I had a hunch I was going through depression, but also kept telling myself I'm overthinking... I wish I'd known earlier. Or perhaps, I wish I was a little more compassionate, smarter, had forgiven them sooner, then none of this would've happened.
School was finally over and I took a step to see a counsellor. I started waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares, panic, pain and/or shock, sometimes bawling my eyes out or with my lips swollen from biting them down hard in my sleep. Oh, and did I mention I actually sprained my ankle/foot in my sleep during my placement period? Yeah, that's how stressed I was. I can't believe I yelled at my counsellor during the very first session too. I was taken aback, so was she. She immediately referred me to see a psychiatrist. Arranging appointments was a headache... They mostly clashed with important event dates (e.g. Mom's birthday, friend's graduation, etc), but I had no choice, I needed help asap and I just had to take whatever was given to me.
I currently am on medication for my condition. Some days are better than others. Doctor believes I'll get better. I haven't met my new counsellor (all students under the aforementioned counsellor were transferred to other counsellors because that counsellor had a switch in portfolios), so I'm not too sure how that'll go, but I hope all goes well.
In the meantime, I recently made a trip to Korea (an effort to get away from all the stressors), and was proposed to on the 'proposal steps' at Namsan Tower :) I broke down, cried, and said YES. My fiancé and I are working hard at planning the wedding and can't wait for our big day to come! Although that does mean more stress, I'm glad to know I'm working with a partner who knows just how to calm me down and help me grow. I couldn't ask for a better man.
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