University
University
I can literally cry over it. Not simply because it's stressful. That's such an understatement of what I'm going through now.
I appreciate the skills and knowledge I get from my university and I totally understand how "knowledge is sweet". I totally agree on this point by the way. But what I can't stand is how this is achieved at the expanse of something larger. Something that I recently discovered to be a part of myself. A part of my identity as a person on this earth. Having to take in something new is almost as if trading this precious part of me for something less precious. I can't let that happen... And yet, I somehow have to...?
You can clearly tell my confusion in that whole paragraph alone, but trust me, it gets worse.
I don't get how I am able to work on an assignment I put my blood, sweat and tears into, and forget all knowledge of it the following week (when I get back to it for edits). It's like some sort of scary nightmare screaming into my face every single time this happens. Every individual or group assignment, every prep for lecture or tutorial... My memory's not that great, I get it, but I didn't think it'd have such an effect on my mental state.
And I realised how much I underestimated the statement of how a large percentage of how one defines a person's IQ is the ability to memorize. If I can't retain much of what I remember, I'm not that smart. If I can't retain much of what I remember, it means that whatever I do remember will be washed away when I take new information in. If that happens, what will become of myself?
It's not so simple as to say I don't want to change. You don't understand this. You will when you realised you spent years being confined in "prison", take months to adjust to a new environment of which this environment is what you later discover to be part of your identity because you just identify so much with it, but then this stops and you go back to "prison" all over again. You want to retain memories of who you once were, the you whom you found and knew for sure this was you. You knew because you felt you easily slipped into it like a wearing a sock. You just.. You just identified with it. Period.
Unlike university.
Or at least what I'm studying now anyway.
I'm trying so hard... so hard to understand... to get used to school life... Everything is swinging by too fast... Everyone seems to be able to swim along but I'm pathetically trying to wiggle my way forward. And swimming is such a perfect example because I can't. I can't swim.
Gosh.. and the symptoms that come with studying is haunting me again.
Must I continue the same amount of responsibilities I once had before?
Can't I have a break?
Must I...
I just want to have some getaway to some foreign land alone or something.
Because I don't understand this alien world.
I don't understand school.
I don't understand my assignments.
I don't understand my lecturers.
I don't understand my friends.
I don't understand my identity.
I just..
... am going to regress to being a baby and cry. okay. i shall do just that. maybe my brain will sort things out by itself and miraculously try to cooperate with me. and the school.. and the rest of my life.
I can literally cry over it. Not simply because it's stressful. That's such an understatement of what I'm going through now.
I appreciate the skills and knowledge I get from my university and I totally understand how "knowledge is sweet". I totally agree on this point by the way. But what I can't stand is how this is achieved at the expanse of something larger. Something that I recently discovered to be a part of myself. A part of my identity as a person on this earth. Having to take in something new is almost as if trading this precious part of me for something less precious. I can't let that happen... And yet, I somehow have to...?
You can clearly tell my confusion in that whole paragraph alone, but trust me, it gets worse.
I don't get how I am able to work on an assignment I put my blood, sweat and tears into, and forget all knowledge of it the following week (when I get back to it for edits). It's like some sort of scary nightmare screaming into my face every single time this happens. Every individual or group assignment, every prep for lecture or tutorial... My memory's not that great, I get it, but I didn't think it'd have such an effect on my mental state.
And I realised how much I underestimated the statement of how a large percentage of how one defines a person's IQ is the ability to memorize. If I can't retain much of what I remember, I'm not that smart. If I can't retain much of what I remember, it means that whatever I do remember will be washed away when I take new information in. If that happens, what will become of myself?
It's not so simple as to say I don't want to change. You don't understand this. You will when you realised you spent years being confined in "prison", take months to adjust to a new environment of which this environment is what you later discover to be part of your identity because you just identify so much with it, but then this stops and you go back to "prison" all over again. You want to retain memories of who you once were, the you whom you found and knew for sure this was you. You knew because you felt you easily slipped into it like a wearing a sock. You just.. You just identified with it. Period.
Unlike university.
Or at least what I'm studying now anyway.
I'm trying so hard... so hard to understand... to get used to school life... Everything is swinging by too fast... Everyone seems to be able to swim along but I'm pathetically trying to wiggle my way forward. And swimming is such a perfect example because I can't. I can't swim.
Gosh.. and the symptoms that come with studying is haunting me again.
Must I continue the same amount of responsibilities I once had before?
Can't I have a break?
Must I...
I just want to have some getaway to some foreign land alone or something.
Because I don't understand this alien world.
I don't understand school.
I don't understand my assignments.
I don't understand my lecturers.
I don't understand my friends.
I don't understand my identity.
I just..
... am going to regress to being a baby and cry. okay. i shall do just that. maybe my brain will sort things out by itself and miraculously try to cooperate with me. and the school.. and the rest of my life.
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