Confused Identity
Confused Identity
All this talk about having an identity.. I feel to many... in fact, to the majority of the world, they easily find who they are and act out of who they are. There is a small fraction of people - like me - who still can't figure it out.
For a long time, I got stuck at that stage. I was very short-tempered because I couldn't find an answer that was obvious to so many other people. Some of them already know who they are, they act out of who they really are inside naturally. Some don't even realize they are already living out themselves. Me? I always thought I was satisfied. But my body said otherwise. My voice always quavered as if I was unsure or afraid of something. I always tend to frown. I walked with my back hunched. I walked with my head hung over most of the time without realizing it - and I'm not even a tall person (based on the assumption of people saying that tall people tend to slouch and all because they feel they stand out too much). I wasn't happy... But the worse thing was, I wasn't fully aware it of the reason either.
The Lord was gracious to me. He showed me the way and kept pointing to "finding more about myself" and I came to realize I didn't know who I was. That was when I began my journey to finding out who I was and accepting who I was. I'm not a machine, I'm a human being.
Slowly, as I grew, now no longer a teen, I feel a lot happier. I feel a weight off my shoulders. Journeying on to find out about myself was interesting and amusing. Some parts of it was painful, but God was there to comfort me.
I created a dream diary because I wanted to record everything that I dreamed about. Not for just for keepsake, but it's really for me to see who I am on the inside and accept that part of me THEN, choose whether it's good or bad and should I change or not. But I needed to accept the reality of myself. That was one step... I'm currently still practicing. Though there are times where I do not write them out, I talk to a friend and tell them about my dream. Talking things out helped me to see things clearer.
I don't hate myself. But I don't like it when I don't live my life with integrity. Because the moment I don't, I start to frown again. My voice start to quaver.
There was a reason why I felt I couldn't find myself. Though not the only contributing cause, it probably had a big part to play in this. Stress from school. Everyone is different. My stress was part from parents, friends, teachers and myself. I always stayed slightly above average. I had other things to excel in other than studies. And that was in my faith. What did I know about living? I simply did what I was told to do. Soon I became a human doing, instead of what I was created to be, a human being.
With that being said, I sort of came to life. Suddenly knowing that I could be my own person. I could do the exact same things I did back then, but with a different motivation, with a different goal, with a different mindset. And why I say all this, was because finding myself, made me realize how much more fulfilling my life became. I came to realize what I liked, what I did not like. I came to realize what was good for me, what was not. I lived my life filled with integrity every day. I asked God, who was I?
People in my church tell me that I am a child of God.
But what did that mean?
The answer they gave was something I never understood. I recalled them talking about God's original design for us. And I came to think that was God's original design for me the me in all that I did throughout my education time? All that 13 years of education? The answer is yes and no. Education was tough. It blinded me, it handicapped me, but it also was a tool to finding who I was. Who I was meant to be. Who God created me to be.
I can't explain what this great satisfaction is. But let me just say, all I did was to do all that I was told. With that in mind, with the goal of wanting to find out more about myself and who I was meant to be and created to be, I became who I am today. A changed woman.
Now I said I did what I was told. I do not mean told by my parents. However, they have a part in it. But mostly, I talked to God. And God talked to me. The Holy Spirit has always resided in me and teaching me about His ways. I am glad I obeyed. I am glad He has revealed Himself to me. I am glad that in doing so, I find myself as well. It's so strange, so bizarre.. But really, really amazing.
Thank You, God..
For creating me, giving me this life to enjoy and live for You,
For helping me to live my life without regrets,
For teaching me that my journey has not yet ended,
For guiding me even when I feel like I'm losing sight of You,
For loving me despite my iniquities,
For planting a seed in me that grows,
For coming into my life to change me,
For blessing me that I bless others,
For loving me that I love others,
For using me,
For Your power in my life to influence others,
For Your goodness in my life that I have endless praise for You..
And for helping me find myself.....
I really, really, really thank You, God.
All this talk about having an identity.. I feel to many... in fact, to the majority of the world, they easily find who they are and act out of who they are. There is a small fraction of people - like me - who still can't figure it out.
For a long time, I got stuck at that stage. I was very short-tempered because I couldn't find an answer that was obvious to so many other people. Some of them already know who they are, they act out of who they really are inside naturally. Some don't even realize they are already living out themselves. Me? I always thought I was satisfied. But my body said otherwise. My voice always quavered as if I was unsure or afraid of something. I always tend to frown. I walked with my back hunched. I walked with my head hung over most of the time without realizing it - and I'm not even a tall person (based on the assumption of people saying that tall people tend to slouch and all because they feel they stand out too much). I wasn't happy... But the worse thing was, I wasn't fully aware it of the reason either.
The Lord was gracious to me. He showed me the way and kept pointing to "finding more about myself" and I came to realize I didn't know who I was. That was when I began my journey to finding out who I was and accepting who I was. I'm not a machine, I'm a human being.
Slowly, as I grew, now no longer a teen, I feel a lot happier. I feel a weight off my shoulders. Journeying on to find out about myself was interesting and amusing. Some parts of it was painful, but God was there to comfort me.
I created a dream diary because I wanted to record everything that I dreamed about. Not for just for keepsake, but it's really for me to see who I am on the inside and accept that part of me THEN, choose whether it's good or bad and should I change or not. But I needed to accept the reality of myself. That was one step... I'm currently still practicing. Though there are times where I do not write them out, I talk to a friend and tell them about my dream. Talking things out helped me to see things clearer.
I don't hate myself. But I don't like it when I don't live my life with integrity. Because the moment I don't, I start to frown again. My voice start to quaver.
There was a reason why I felt I couldn't find myself. Though not the only contributing cause, it probably had a big part to play in this. Stress from school. Everyone is different. My stress was part from parents, friends, teachers and myself. I always stayed slightly above average. I had other things to excel in other than studies. And that was in my faith. What did I know about living? I simply did what I was told to do. Soon I became a human doing, instead of what I was created to be, a human being.
With that being said, I sort of came to life. Suddenly knowing that I could be my own person. I could do the exact same things I did back then, but with a different motivation, with a different goal, with a different mindset. And why I say all this, was because finding myself, made me realize how much more fulfilling my life became. I came to realize what I liked, what I did not like. I came to realize what was good for me, what was not. I lived my life filled with integrity every day. I asked God, who was I?
People in my church tell me that I am a child of God.
But what did that mean?
The answer they gave was something I never understood. I recalled them talking about God's original design for us. And I came to think that was God's original design for me the me in all that I did throughout my education time? All that 13 years of education? The answer is yes and no. Education was tough. It blinded me, it handicapped me, but it also was a tool to finding who I was. Who I was meant to be. Who God created me to be.
I can't explain what this great satisfaction is. But let me just say, all I did was to do all that I was told. With that in mind, with the goal of wanting to find out more about myself and who I was meant to be and created to be, I became who I am today. A changed woman.
Now I said I did what I was told. I do not mean told by my parents. However, they have a part in it. But mostly, I talked to God. And God talked to me. The Holy Spirit has always resided in me and teaching me about His ways. I am glad I obeyed. I am glad He has revealed Himself to me. I am glad that in doing so, I find myself as well. It's so strange, so bizarre.. But really, really amazing.
Thank You, God..
For creating me, giving me this life to enjoy and live for You,
For helping me to live my life without regrets,
For teaching me that my journey has not yet ended,
For guiding me even when I feel like I'm losing sight of You,
For loving me despite my iniquities,
For planting a seed in me that grows,
For coming into my life to change me,
For blessing me that I bless others,
For loving me that I love others,
For using me,
For Your power in my life to influence others,
For Your goodness in my life that I have endless praise for You..
And for helping me find myself.....
I really, really, really thank You, God.
Comments