What now?
What now?
As I sat at the table with my youth pastor and other leaders of the youth group, I was lost in my own thoughts. I had my burdens outside, accumulated and I brought it along with me to today's meeting. Well, for one, not sure if I wrote it here in the blog, but I've come to a point where I have to make a decision on what I wanted to do for my future. So far, it's not clear, and I feel really insecure. If anything, that was at least one of my top worries..../burden... since I would most probably have to provide for people I love - I want to. That brings me to what this post'll be about.
We were praying to receive from the Lord a word/message/image/revelation with regards to having a youth camp at the end of the year. I was totally disengaged by my own thoughts and worries, but I tried my best to focus. At the end of everything, I went home. I was talking to Luke for a good 4 minutes before my train stop arrived. It was then I realised... thinking about the meeting, in my mind, I went round the table.
1) Pastor Andrew was a pastor. He was good in his teachings and the things he stressed on were good. He had interesting theories, he loves what he does, he's good at it in some ways, he's also bad at it in some ways.
2) Luke was getting better in so many ways. I even see him as a real prophet now. It's amazing how God developed his character and most importantly, his heart and spiritual, being to the point where he has become so close to God. There's always room for improvement (drawing closer to God) and he knows that too, but from where I stood, I never thought he would be fighting a battle behind that pokerface. He mentioned about studying theology after army.. I would think it's appropriate for Him. I even feel God has called him to go as well, after seeing how Luke has changed. BUT, I might be wrong. We'll see.. I really have that hunch though.
3) Martin, I know not so well, but with my current biggest worry, I had resorted to comparing with what I knew. He knows what he wants. He's smart. He's caring. He's in a school that'll help him achieve what he wants in future. That's really, really great. I used to take it for granted, having had my earlier education planned out in my life... Now I really want the rest of my education life till I work to be planned out too. He has his life planned out.. what about me? Man..
4) Regina's a smart girl. She's lively, pretty, caring and a nice companion. She's been growing in her faith and ever since she joined as tribute in the church, I've always seen her spontaneously helping out whenever she could - even after her time working as tribute came to an end. And I find her spontaneity - as a normal church member now - has helped her to grow even more. She's great at admin and has volunteered to do some admin stuff in the youth ministry. She has found her calling and I'm really, really happy for her.
5) Shaunald, I know not much either. Other than being Regina's significant other, I look up to him. He has a really, really good way of giving speeches/teaching the younger ones. Forget about experience, even if I were put in the same situation as him, I would never find the appropriate, straight-to-the-heart words he uses just off of his mind. Just like that. It's not just smart. I think he's anointed. Hmm.. well, he did mention he had no idea what to do with his life last week either.. I don't feel so alone now.. lol.
In fact, thinking about all of them, they all have their strengths and weaknesses. They've discovered their strengths and are maximizing them and dealing with their own weaknesses. I started to think, perhaps, what if they felt like me? You know, I really look up to all of them up there, I think they're amazing people. God has blessed them so much. But what if they felt like me? Have they ever thought about perhaps in their own area of expertise - for lack of a better way of phrasing - they kinda suck? What if it didn't matter to them? What if it did? What if thinking about this was just.. stupid?
.. No... it wasn't stupid. Thinking about this made me realise what I wasn't doing. I am greatly blessed too. I do music. I may suck in my industry, but when I think about these people... they're just doing things at their own pace, they're doing their best. What am I doing?
Well.. I've been.. hesitating. In other words.. nothing. I've stopped doing.
But in a sense, it was a good thing too because I stopped to see what was right in front of me the whole time..
Ben has told me to try and pursue something. Like, all the way, in that sense. If I have a hunch, go for it. I was thinking.. Actually, that is a pretty good idea now. At least, better than me completely not moving at all.
All that being said, I'm still afraid. I still have the thoughts of not wanting to waste my parents' hard-earned money on education that I will not be using for the rest of my life at all. It is true that what you learn in some place, you can definitely apply everywhere else, but when it comes to doing a degree, it involves much more $$ and I really want to study something that'll benefit me fully in what I do in future.
That being said, I will try. I will try my next option. But. I'll have to speak to a Pastor tomorrow. We'll see where the Lord leads me to.
~
On "other" news, I was preparing for session 4 for this saturday's youth session. I came across a very important point. "We worship Him in spirit and in truth." Now, I knew of this point since a very, very long time ago. However, a new revelation came upon me. I had always thought that meant to worship God with integrity. Worshiping God isn't limited to singing praises to Him. So what I recently found out was that you need balance in worshiping in spirit and worshiping in truth. If "spirit > truth", then you'd find yourself feeling emotionally wired, yet shallow spiritually. If "truth > spirit", you can become artificial and full of truth with no emotion. I knew the danger of this. I see it in camps too often.
Then I also thought about myself as a songwriter. Recently, with some friends, we became a band. We haven't started jamming yet, but I came up with a couple of songs. Being a music person, my emotions tend to be easily swayed by music. So I run the risk of "spirit > truth", which is what I find very often, more than the latter. Then I realised, every time I wrote a song, I'd probably be in balance, but the weighing scale'll tilt after awhile and that was not good. I've decided to pray before working on my songs in future.
An update! I've been working on a christian country/edm song! It's probably not for a anglican congregation to sing along to, but I find so much joy in writing this one! Can't wait to try it out with the band. Ah yes. I almost forgot. So as a band now, we gathered to fellowship and get some rules down. After doing so, we set our mission and vision statement. After spending some time to think, we came up with our band name! We're called, 'Waking Steps'. (: Really excited for our first jamming session! More updates to come soon!
As I sat at the table with my youth pastor and other leaders of the youth group, I was lost in my own thoughts. I had my burdens outside, accumulated and I brought it along with me to today's meeting. Well, for one, not sure if I wrote it here in the blog, but I've come to a point where I have to make a decision on what I wanted to do for my future. So far, it's not clear, and I feel really insecure. If anything, that was at least one of my top worries..../burden... since I would most probably have to provide for people I love - I want to. That brings me to what this post'll be about.
We were praying to receive from the Lord a word/message/image/revelation with regards to having a youth camp at the end of the year. I was totally disengaged by my own thoughts and worries, but I tried my best to focus. At the end of everything, I went home. I was talking to Luke for a good 4 minutes before my train stop arrived. It was then I realised... thinking about the meeting, in my mind, I went round the table.
1) Pastor Andrew was a pastor. He was good in his teachings and the things he stressed on were good. He had interesting theories, he loves what he does, he's good at it in some ways, he's also bad at it in some ways.
2) Luke was getting better in so many ways. I even see him as a real prophet now. It's amazing how God developed his character and most importantly, his heart and spiritual, being to the point where he has become so close to God. There's always room for improvement (drawing closer to God) and he knows that too, but from where I stood, I never thought he would be fighting a battle behind that pokerface. He mentioned about studying theology after army.. I would think it's appropriate for Him. I even feel God has called him to go as well, after seeing how Luke has changed. BUT, I might be wrong. We'll see.. I really have that hunch though.
3) Martin, I know not so well, but with my current biggest worry, I had resorted to comparing with what I knew. He knows what he wants. He's smart. He's caring. He's in a school that'll help him achieve what he wants in future. That's really, really great. I used to take it for granted, having had my earlier education planned out in my life... Now I really want the rest of my education life till I work to be planned out too. He has his life planned out.. what about me? Man..
4) Regina's a smart girl. She's lively, pretty, caring and a nice companion. She's been growing in her faith and ever since she joined as tribute in the church, I've always seen her spontaneously helping out whenever she could - even after her time working as tribute came to an end. And I find her spontaneity - as a normal church member now - has helped her to grow even more. She's great at admin and has volunteered to do some admin stuff in the youth ministry. She has found her calling and I'm really, really happy for her.
5) Shaunald, I know not much either. Other than being Regina's significant other, I look up to him. He has a really, really good way of giving speeches/teaching the younger ones. Forget about experience, even if I were put in the same situation as him, I would never find the appropriate, straight-to-the-heart words he uses just off of his mind. Just like that. It's not just smart. I think he's anointed. Hmm.. well, he did mention he had no idea what to do with his life last week either.. I don't feel so alone now.. lol.
In fact, thinking about all of them, they all have their strengths and weaknesses. They've discovered their strengths and are maximizing them and dealing with their own weaknesses. I started to think, perhaps, what if they felt like me? You know, I really look up to all of them up there, I think they're amazing people. God has blessed them so much. But what if they felt like me? Have they ever thought about perhaps in their own area of expertise - for lack of a better way of phrasing - they kinda suck? What if it didn't matter to them? What if it did? What if thinking about this was just.. stupid?
.. No... it wasn't stupid. Thinking about this made me realise what I wasn't doing. I am greatly blessed too. I do music. I may suck in my industry, but when I think about these people... they're just doing things at their own pace, they're doing their best. What am I doing?
Well.. I've been.. hesitating. In other words.. nothing. I've stopped doing.
But in a sense, it was a good thing too because I stopped to see what was right in front of me the whole time..
Ben has told me to try and pursue something. Like, all the way, in that sense. If I have a hunch, go for it. I was thinking.. Actually, that is a pretty good idea now. At least, better than me completely not moving at all.
All that being said, I'm still afraid. I still have the thoughts of not wanting to waste my parents' hard-earned money on education that I will not be using for the rest of my life at all. It is true that what you learn in some place, you can definitely apply everywhere else, but when it comes to doing a degree, it involves much more $$ and I really want to study something that'll benefit me fully in what I do in future.
That being said, I will try. I will try my next option. But. I'll have to speak to a Pastor tomorrow. We'll see where the Lord leads me to.
~
On "other" news, I was preparing for session 4 for this saturday's youth session. I came across a very important point. "We worship Him in spirit and in truth." Now, I knew of this point since a very, very long time ago. However, a new revelation came upon me. I had always thought that meant to worship God with integrity. Worshiping God isn't limited to singing praises to Him. So what I recently found out was that you need balance in worshiping in spirit and worshiping in truth. If "spirit > truth", then you'd find yourself feeling emotionally wired, yet shallow spiritually. If "truth > spirit", you can become artificial and full of truth with no emotion. I knew the danger of this. I see it in camps too often.
Then I also thought about myself as a songwriter. Recently, with some friends, we became a band. We haven't started jamming yet, but I came up with a couple of songs. Being a music person, my emotions tend to be easily swayed by music. So I run the risk of "spirit > truth", which is what I find very often, more than the latter. Then I realised, every time I wrote a song, I'd probably be in balance, but the weighing scale'll tilt after awhile and that was not good. I've decided to pray before working on my songs in future.
An update! I've been working on a christian country/edm song! It's probably not for a anglican congregation to sing along to, but I find so much joy in writing this one! Can't wait to try it out with the band. Ah yes. I almost forgot. So as a band now, we gathered to fellowship and get some rules down. After doing so, we set our mission and vision statement. After spending some time to think, we came up with our band name! We're called, 'Waking Steps'. (: Really excited for our first jamming session! More updates to come soon!
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