Back again..

Back again..

Yep... I'm finally back after a really, really long time..

I've been so, so busy for the past two months. In Bali, the internet was sooo slow I didn't bother surfing the internet ._. I only used it for whatsapp and checking my emails (through my phone). I did manage to read a bit of manga though. Anyway, I also did want to be away from technology as much as possible. I had an interesting experience back there. It was also my first time experiencing a spiritual attack in the form of hearing voices. Perhaps while lucid dreaming? It was like, slipping in and out of my dream, I wasn't sure. I do know I wasn't stressed out that day, so it felt weird hearing voices. It was just one at first, then it escalated to a few, then a lot. It was driving me crazy. A few seconds before I dozed off, I remembered smelling a strong, strong sense of incense, so crazy it felt like I smelled death. I don't know… Isn't incense supposedly a good thing? Hmm.. Well, I know that at least as of now it's not very important.

I came back, all fine, in one piece! So thank God for that! I was working on one of my assignments earlier (blogging) so I decided to write a post for my personal blog too.

Recently, I've been so stressed out I think I've once again felt like I hit rock bottom of my life. I'd never experienced that many bad events in a week, or consecutively at least. Though it's still going on now, it's more spread out and to be honest… The moment someone woke me up to pray to God, a few seconds after I did, I did feel a little better. That very day somehow my other friends and ben all flocked me with concerns and I just burst out in tears. Could it be God made this happen? It never happened before… But it made me realize one thing, yes I'm not alone. People DO understand what I'm going through. Not all hope is lost… I'm not the only one… Thank you for all your concerns, your actions are deeply appreciated guys… :)

You guys do know that knowing is one thing, understanding is another right? It's like, "I know" verses "I KNOW!!".

I also realize how much influence I have over those around me… there's also a good and a bad side to things. And through this recent event, I have clearly seen both sides. Of course, there will be things I miss out. There will be moments I fall down. I'm always falling short of the glory of God on my own. For what am I, no, who AM I without God?

I have this tiny fear.. yeah.. "tiny".. I'm hoping that it doesn't grow - even though I know it will, in time, perhaps.. I don't want to face that day though. This, I honestly say, I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone about this yet. It's not you, it's not my friends (it's not that I don't trust you), but it's just me (I'm not ready to reveal something very, very personal to me, it's a huge leap for me and I'd appreciate if you do not think of this as something minor, because to me, it isn't. Sympathize with me. please.)

Notice I said it all in that manner? I guess that's how a lot of my friends think I sound - the words NOT in the brackets. It's my weakness, I can't help it (I literally mean it, I tried correcting myself, but I can't because I get nervous a lot and I can't think right and proper or logically enough to sustain a smart conversation with anyone, face to face). I have to think about things through and through before I reply. Otherwise, I guarantee you, 89%, it's a stupid response. Call me a retard for all you want, but it's just me. I appreciate I operate things this way. I don't see a downside to this.. (other than how I might appear dumber in real life), 'cos all that matters is how God sees me. How I see God. And what do I do about it.

"So what?" it such a good.. hmm.. phrase, maybe? I'm reminded of my literature teacher going on and on about writing essays, "and"... "so what?"… I can't remember the other one, but all I really remember is this for now. It helped me with my thought processing. Believe it or not, it helps me to think smarter, despite it being slower, for me. It even helped me to grow, develop, gain insight, mature. Guys, don't just throw everything you learnt out the window, you never know, some strange things may just help you out so, so much. Talk to me more and I'll let you in on something even weirder HAHA. And this concerns how math impacted my life (and no, it has nothing got to do with numbers or career path).

Anyways, on the brighter side of things, in my moodiness, even till now, I haven't quite balanced out my emotions just yet… (I'm recovering considerably fast anyway, so praise God for that, I hope I don't run away from my problems just yet too.) ANYWAY, as I was saying… I'm really proud of ben right now. Studying so hard all these years… Pushing through uni and finally, now... working. I'm so thankful to God for placing him in a company so wonderful, gracious and nice! It seems like a very loving company and I think that's really really great! I'm so so happy for him. :) It reminded me of how God brought me to ben (yes, it could mean literally lol). Just thinking of it makes me feel… blissful I guess? ;)

Hmm.. today marks the end of my heavy duties being in the youth month committee! (It's still ongoing, but I'm glad the bulk is done today!) I even got to enjoy some nonya snacks and FINALLY, BOBOCHACHA!!! I've been longing to have that ever since I was in Bali!! I'm feeling free, light, happy, I felt different singing as backup today, not because of as backup, but mostly as singing itself! I never felt this way while singing to YE before.. much less both YE and synthesis at the same time! This must be one of God's secret techniques of honing my skills… The things He put be through… OTL really…

Still, I appreciate every single thing He's done for me, whether it's a good thing He blessed me with or a bad thing He allowed to happen to me, I thank Him for both of it, everything! It's just the wonders of being in a relationship with someone. If being in a relationship with my parents, ben, my friends.. if they're all so amazing, what more with God? It's just.. so.. magical.. and supernatural. Literally. Haha! ;D As I'm reading the book of Acts, about how Peter escaped prison… I'm starting to get jealous of how close he was with God haha! Yeah… getting jealous of a dead man… It's really cool to be able to do supernatural things.. But yeah, of course, it is when I'm able to handle seeing all this happening. God probably thinks I'm not quite ready yet. Haha~ I'm steadily growing though~ 

-.- just you wait and see…

As of now, I came up with a list of challenges which I shall slowly and ONLY reveal once I've done 'em. I can start this challenge whenever I want and.. yup! Just make sure I do it.. and it depends, if there's a period of time I have to do it for, I've got no choice. So, just a heads up guys! If you see me acting weird… It's just purely self-entertainment~