vwen

Living independently requires so much in a person. I never thought I'd enter into it so quickly, but under current circumstances, here I am. Life still feels pretty empty and I'm not sure where to fit "consequences" into my dictionary. To me, everything is a chain of effect. Nothing is entirely good, therefore, everything that it gives birth to is somewhat bad. And if everything is somewhat bad, what is the point of striving to be good if it'll just spiral into darkness? I suppose that's when God comes into the picture. Without Him, I'm absolutely hopeless. But guess what, I chose to overlook that. And I'm starting to wonder if that had been the root issue the entire time. Nevertheless, I choose to believe that although things have become so complicated, there is some good in the situation. And at the very least, I want to know what that is. Because right now, what is good, what is bad... feels all the same to me. I feel I have nothing left to l...

This is not a post about graduation or someone's birthday. It's not about something happy. But it is about something worth remembering. I quarrelled with my mom yesterday for the first time in about 25 years of my life. I love my mom a lot. I know her intentions have always been pure, genuine, good. But I also know how I feel about her words and actions. Through talking to my friends, significant others, and prayers, I finally found the courage to voice out how I'd been feeling all these years... ... without crying and interrupting the flow of the conversation . I hurt my mom by expressing myself and how I felt. There was great anger released yesterday and somewhat some form of relief thereafter. But some anger remains because there was no conclusion; there was no consensus; no understanding made at the end of the day. There's a guilt that resides within me and won't go away. Because I love my mom. And I hurt her. Though we both said sorry today, th...

It's not easy to hurt yourself You got to climb mountains and walk through hell And even then, you know it's just as well It's better to end than to dwell Why is beauty a reason to forgive? Why not death, but to live? Why carry on when you have nothing to give? There's nowhere to smile, nowhere to grieve There's nowhere to smile, nowhere to grieve.

"행복해?"   A simple, but difficult question to answer these days. I've lost touch with what it means to feel happiness because... whenever I do, a moment later, my reality becomes filled with great uncertainty and anxiety. And this cycle becomes so unbearable that it haunts me in my dreams every night. It is hard to build a sand castle near the waves, hard to reach the shore when the tides overwhelm you again and again, but there will always be a way. God will make a way. So until that day comes, I'll hold on to that hope and take a friend's advice; count my blessings, and hope that the little flowers I see afloat keep me above the waters, help me look up to the one where my help comes from, and lead me to the shore. I'm very thankful for this friend in my life, and I too, hope will stay in my life for a very long time. There was longing, There was waiting, And the rain poured, But it won't last It'll surely pass All that I've endur...

It's almost close to a year since I first saw a counsellor at my school. Although it has been a rollercoaster ride getting to where I am now, I'm grateful for the skills I acquired along the way -- be it from education, my counselling sessions or even friends I met along the way who helped and are still helping me through this period of time. I know this is a late celebration, but since a month ago, for the first time, I felt free. It's not yet the freedom I fully hope for, but I believe even this amount of freedom is for the best at this time. So hurray to.. bearable progress :) People do not exist as individuals alone in the world, we live with many other individuals and their own stories. We live as units; families, couples, friends... So it's important to understand others in that context.... This knowledge that stuck with me since year 1 in university has also kept me stuck in many philosophical dilemmas... but I'll leave that to you guys to discover -- the...

I think that it's great I'm awake at this hour. There is peace and quiet and no one to be concerned about at the moment. Lately, due to the COVID-19 situation, I've had a lot of worries about the wedding and it increasingly became a stressful topic for me. I understand that planning a wedding isn't easy and many couples already find it stressful. Fortunately for me (or so I thought), I actually had more time on my hands, so it was easier for me to appreciate and enjoy each step of the plan. However, that happy moment didn't quite last as the COVID-19 situation worsened. My hope for the dream wedding just slowly died. I think things need to be viewed in context for people to understand my level of distress. Earlier in March, I had another fallout with my sibling. We ended off the conversation cutting off ties. It gave me great relief, yet immense pain. We didn't have the best sibling relationship, but we did have good memories together when we were younger....

Life Update V It's been a few weeks since I told my parents about my future plans and my condition. I think they're taking it pretty well. They've been very understanding, being more patient with me. I guess prior to telling them these things, they must've been acting out of a lot of confusion. Maybe my disclosure helped them piece some things together. It made me wonder about whether it was still worth it to disclose this information to her . These past few months have been difficult, yet liberating. I struggled letting go of a certain expectation of someone. I struggled letting go many expectations of myself and others. I've been slowly coming to acceptance of a new me in this new world. I also came to learn a lot about what I need not be; who I can choose to be. I guess that's where the liberating part comes in. School was over in December, grades came out at the end of the year, I missed graduating with second upper honours by 0.02, let out a big sigh,...

Life Update IV Does high performance equate to happiness? I'm beginning to see where I stand and accept myself for the abilities and capabilities that I have. I believe that brings.. peace at least.

Life Update III I could be blogging more because it's the holiday season and I miss the feeling of typing out a chunk of words, but... I am very glad to record it here that I had a happy dream last night. The dream was full of resolve from my past hurts and hope for a brighter future from here on out. Was it the meds? Was it that I finally begun doing my quiet time? Was it the events of that day? Was it my happy hormones screaming out because I might get a cat soon? Could it be all of this? Perhaps. I'm just happy . And it's rare. So I'll take it all in while I can.

Life Update II If there was any major obstacle to overcome, I'd say it'd be my childhood. Who knew I'd be spending my 20s trying to recover from it? Recently, I felt God telling me about the importance of His Word and the church. I've never felt so far away from my faith before until I heard my youth leader and pastor's sharing recently which struck a chord in me. The devil uses what is seemingly right to destroy my relationship with God. I should've known when I felt weak to even sing worship songs to God in church last year (I kept feeling overwhelmed). The daily battles don't get easier when layers of my childhood slowly peel off like an onion. Losing Orlie is something I can't even begin to imagine happening, yet I know death is inevitable for every living creature. Life is complicated. I am tired. I am dumb. but I can't give up because there're people who love and support me, there're people who believe I can g...

Life Update Time never stops The beginning of a man's worry Time waits for no man Like the wind, it does as it wishes. I'm entering my 4th year in uni and so many things have happened over the past two years (since my last post). Well, to be exact, a lot of things happened in the past 10 months -- before that was really just a lot of stress from studying and the bi-yearly breakdowns. I just wanted to remind myself to forgive. Going back to 10 months ago around mental health day, what happened was a huge blow to me. I never expected myself to react the way that I did. I never found it harder to breathe, so painful to scream, so mad I wanted to punch the wall until my knuckles bled (yeah, I didn't), and so shocked at my reaction I felt I lost my mind. I was so confused... All I could think of was how I thought I'd forgiven these people in my life, put the past behind me and moved on, but how I reacted really showed how much ill-feelings I'd harboured toward...

Love Is Kind Someone once taught me that kindness meant being the door amongst the wall of thorns... And I believe that to be true because in a world full of people, full of suspicions of one another, the only way to tear down the walls of suspicion or hostility is kindness. It is like inclusiveness . Well then, why is kindness seen as love? That's because the moment you stop being inclusive, the moment you stop involving someone in your life, wouldn't that equate to ignorance? What is the opposite of love again? Right, it isn't hatred, it's ignorance . And that's the last thing you'd want to do to anyone you care about. Also, the last I checked, it's the last thing any human being would want either. Of course, there are systems and cycles in place for every human being. We all have our lives to live and it can't possibly revolve around socialising 24/7, but I believe it takes wisdom to grow in kindness, to enlarge our capacity to love, to offer...

University I can literally cry over it. Not simply because it's stressful. That's such an understatement of what I'm going through now. I appreciate the skills and knowledge I get from my university and I totally understand how "knowledge is sweet ". I totally agree on this point by the way. But what I can't stand is how this is achieved at the expanse of something larger. Something that I recently discovered to be a part of myself. A part of my identity as a person on this earth. Having to take in something new is almost as if trading this precious part of me for something less precious. I can't let that happen... And yet, I somehow have to...? You can clearly tell my confusion in that whole paragraph alone, but trust me, it gets worse. I don't get how I am able to work on an assignment I put my blood, sweat and tears into, and forget all knowledge of it the following week (when I get back to it for edits). It's like some sort of scary nig...

Desperately trying to cling on to the pieces of myself wherever I go.

Gardens By The Bay GBTB is one of Singapore's best tourist attractions! Indeed, during the festival, I barely squeezed my way through many families and even photographers who'd been at a spot for who knows how long! I made a trip down to GBTB (flower dome) to bring my grandma out to see some flowers because she really loves them and you know what they say, photos you snap may not look like how you see it in real life. I'm not even talking about photoshop nor any form of editing.. But here is my #nofilter mini album of GBTB I created to show you just how beautiful all these flowers are.. (p.s. Click to enlarge the images!) ^ These were so gorgeous.. I looked up and just gazed at them as I walked through a small tunnel of vines and flowers. I'm not gonna lie, I was too busy admiring these flowers, I didn't take a second look at their names... ^ This. is. my. FAVORITE. We also explored other parts of G...

"Don't cry for idiots ," they said. "They're not worth your tears," they said. Then what about non-idiots ? Are they, then, worth my tears?

Longing It's been a few days without seeing Ben and I think I'm malfunctioning. Missing you, bæ .

A Blessing Lately, my youth group has been having talks about addiction to cursing/swearing/games... And I'd like to share a little about my experience. It won't take long, don't worry. I have always noticed myself holding back from the mainstream apps or games. I do this because I know that in my weakness, I'd usually get addicted to it pretty quickly. I'd end up replacing this specific app/game with the God-spot in my heart. It'd quickly rob me of true joy - joy that only the Holy Spirit can fill in my heart. No one and nothing else can. There was this one time, though having gone through this cycle many times, I'd failed to resist once again. I immersed myself in a phone app game. I paid so much for it, even. I'd never paid so much for a phone app - ever. And here I was, all ready to make necessary transactions to beautify my character. I missed doing my Quiet Time with God for many days, giving the excuse that I was too tired after playing m...

"Oh Lord, give me wisdom ."

Forest by LAU Hi guys! So my friend approached me one day and asked if I could sing a part of his song.. Nope, I do not own this song, but once again I am doing a shoutout for a friend of mine. This one's called "Forest"   by LAU. Sit back, relax , sip on some coffee and enjoy! (: Click here to view more of LAU's work!